Everything For Him - Part 14

It was a fantastic birthday party in the office in contrast to the previous years. Sandhya arranged a cake cutting party in the evening and she ordered my favorite black forest double chocolate cake. After the celebrations I reached home early by nine and bought along with me a box full of gulab jamun which Sandhya made specially for me. Overall if I have to speak anything about this day, I can say it's a cocktail of happiness, confusion and fear. 

The morning discussion with the founder of the Araku Coffee Palace ignited a spark of hope in my mind and later it vanished into thin air as not everyone is fortunate like him. After all, at one particular point in time, our lives get controlled by fate and we no longer have any control over it. Had it been the other way I wouldn't have failed both in my personal and professional life. 

I am also a bit flummoxed about Jayanth. My mind blows hot and cold whenever I think about him. On top of all, the fact that I reached forty started corroding me from inside. Everything is too late now, be it working on my dreams or having a relationship. Which man would be interested in a woman aged forty?

On the other hand I still don't understand who decorated my desk and why Jayanth hasn't come to office today. I remember him saying he doesn't live far from my place. I should have asked him yesterday where he stays but it didn't click at that moment. Next time, I am certainly going to ask. By looking at his car one can easily make out that he is a millionaire and chances are he might be having a lot of girl friends or maybe he is already married and even has kids.

Amidst all these events one episode intrigued me and it is about finding one's own destiny. The coffee shop owner said that his shop taught him numerous things. If anyone asks me what I learned from my job and office I don't have an answer. The more I tried searching for an answer, the more it drained my energy.

Thoughts will never find peace. With an agonized sigh I walked into the washroom, took my shower and slipped into my nightgown. I later opened the box containing gulab jamuns and gulped all ten balls in a matter of minutes. Afterwards I switched on the television and started watching a movie. It was a romantic film and then I suddenly remembered my resolution of not to watch any romantic movies.

I immediately changed the channel but I didn't find anything interesting. I glanced around at my hall and realized I have no one to talk to. Then, I remembered my old friend, my diary. Before Sandhya my diary was my pal. Many times I share those things with my diary that I couldn't discuss or express with Sandhya.

I sat at my small study desk near the window of my bedroom where I usually do my office work. I pulled the curtains aside of my window and I picked up my diary. 

Friday, 8th January, 2019.

My dear friend,

I don't understand what's boiling inside me? Whatever it is I am going through right now in my life, I am sure I am not in control of myself. I really wonder how things turned out like these. 

This week on January 1st, I met a person with the name Jayanth at the giant supermarket. My credit card didn't let me pay the bill as I already crossed the due date. I was about to go home but like a bolt from the blue a person with the name Jayanth helped me by paying my bill. 

Despite me being a stranger he came forward and helped me. He is so handsome that it is impossible for anyone to stop falling for him. He is also blessed with one of the unique talents of understanding what's going on in another person's mind and I have experienced it thrice. I wonder if he has any secret powers. In the past ten years ever since I had my divorce I met a lot of men. But none of them fascinated me like Jayanth. 

The day after that I was completely devastated as I lost my promotion to Sheela. Sandhya did her best to console me but none could pacify my agonizing heart. Sandhya told me not to lose hope and assured me that a miracle would soon come. As she spoke about the miracle the name Jayanth flashed in my mind all of a sudden. I told her that I will believe in miracles if I get to see Jayanth again and like a stroke of magic Jayanth had put in his appearance the following day and what's even more exciting was that he is our new boss. I literally didn't believe that I would get to meet him again. Maybe Sandhya was correct. I should accept this as a miracle.

Ever since he had come into my life, everything started moving super faster and I didn't prepare myself for such a rapid transition. There's something magic in Jayanth's eyes. When I shook my hands with him I felt an instant jolt of 400 Volts of electricity rippling through me. There's magic in the air when he is around and his charm is so appealing that it instantly liberated me from all kinds of worries.

One thing I should control about myself, I shouldn't get attached to Jayanth. My relationship with Jayanth shall only be confined to professional limits only. He is my boss and I am his employee and our relationship shall only be confined till employer-employee only. Anyways why will he feel interested in a woman who is older to him by eleven years. I am sure Sheela will not leave any stone unturned to fall in his eyes.

Dear friend, as you know I have already gone through a divorce with Raghav. I have already been hurt badly before. I had already let my walls down and now if I let another person into my life and heart and they leave me all of a sudden, it will be incredibly difficult to drop my protective walls again.

I am not worthy of being loved. I know it is. No matter how much I try to put my train back on the tracks, fate will always derail it. It's better I start living by myself alone. I will strictly inform Sandhya not to search any grooms for me from now on. 

Now, I feel much better. Really if we don't give words to our thoughts they keep plaguing us. Now, the question comes of what should I do with my life? How can I find my destiny? And how to listen to my heart? I am clueless. I need someone who can help me in realizing my destiny. Who can help me? 

Abruptly I glanced outside through my window and I could spot the temple tower of Hanuman temple which is just a street away from my apartment. Out of nowhere, I heard the sound of a bell. I strained my ear to hear it again. I could hear only the sounds of the wind and the horns of the vehicles. I didn't get to listen to the bell sound again. As far as I know I am sure the sound of the bell from the temple cannot make up till this far. Maybe this is just an imagination. Daily I pass myself in front of the temple but I never gave the thought of stopping and going inside. And today as I saw the tower through my window, I felt like going there. I then suddenly remembered the words of the coffee shop owner who told me to trust my feelings and If I should trust my feelings, then I should go to the temple tomorrow. Probably I should make a visit there tomorrow. 

For ten years I hadn't visited any of the temples as a protest against God's cruelty. I have every right to be angry upon him. All throughout my life I never cheated on anyone nor hurted anyone but he still made me go through all kinds of hardships. If I ever get a chance to meet him before death I will definitely ask why you have given me a disastrous life?

Sheela has cheated many men in the past and now Rahul has fallen in her trap. She is living a happy life and has everything she wants. Last year her boyfriend gifted her a diamond necklace for her birthday. I wish I had someone who shall give me a diamond necklace as a gift. Here itself I can see the clear injustice of God. 

I closed my eyes and revisited the day I met Sandhya for the first time in the office. I never expected our friendship would blossom to such an extent. No matter how great and caring your friend maybe, no one can take the place of a soulmate. Everyone wants to feel love and even I wanted to feel it. I dreamed of roaming in the streets of Paris and kissing my soulmate right exactly in front of the Eiffel Tower and that too in a French style.

As I opened my eyes I could see I am still in the same place and there's no change around. The days are passing by and I am stuck indoors inside this small flat. Counting the hours, seems like there's more. I get so lonely, I feel so afraid. 

I looked at myself in the mirror again and I didn't seem to change. Everyone says 'you look so beautiful and you don't look like you are near forty'. I am happy that I look younger than my age, but my youth has been completely wasted. 

One more tear drop fell from my eyes. I got up from my desk and laid flatly on my bed. As I turned my head towards right I found a smiley ball besides my pillow. I didn't understand whether it's smiling at my troubles. In a fit of rage I took the ball to my desk, picked a blade and started to rip it asunder.

I lost sense of myself. It's all made up, I should be happy instead. But I am not, and I wasn't, and might never be. I know people do not love me, but I just can't believe that I am not worthy to be loved.

I hear kind words from Sandhya every single day. And for a moment I stop and I believe what they say and it hurts, it hurts but in a very good way. And their kindness touches my heart and brightens up my day. But after a while, the happiness stops and I go back to feeling like giving up. 

All I know is, one minute I am ticking along fine and life is sweet and I want for nothing, and the next, I can't wait to get away. I am all over the place, slipping and sliding.

I've wanted to die for a very long time. My life has no meaning, why am I here? I give nothing to the world, I should just disappear. I can't tell anyone why I feel this way. And sometimes I don't, it depends on the day.

Maybe I am not worthy of anyone's time. I am not worthy of anyone's love. I am not worthy of living a happy and peaceful life. Maybe I am destined to live alone and die alone. I will stop using the anti-ageing creams from tomorrow.

To be continued...