Covid 19 – The Pandemic (2020)

This blog is only about my experience with COVID 19 and how I looked at it from my eyes. The facts may be wrong or the events may be incorrect. Pardon me for that.

The first wave of Coronavirus news reached me in the month of Dec 2019. We started getting the news about a deadly virus in China and how turned into an epidemic over there. The second wave hit in the month of Mar 2020 followed by memes and trolls on social media lightning the situation. Some even made music and rhythms like “Go Corona, Corona Go’ and got viral videos due to the theatrics.

In the beginning, I looked at corona as the third person and was indifferent about it.

Yes, things happen, but in other countries or cities. They never happen to us. “Come on isn’t it the thumb rule”

So, I rode the wave of reading Corona news or the jokes on social media. We had debates on this within our circles. The real intensity of the situation, the biological threat and the economical crisis. Which one is the most disastrous? There were arguments and yes, a few of them went into a very bad alley where emotions and sentiments were at stake. The traffic was mutual and sometimes I got hurt while at times I was the cause of agony for others. People were projecting their innermost fears (which this generation had stopped doing for long) in a blunt way. 

We are no more engineered to handle raw emotions – of others or ours

The disease was finally declared a Pandemic in the month of Mar 2020. Honestly, when I first heard it, I had to look for the word in the dictionary to understand what it really means. 

pandemic/panˈdɛmɪk/Learn to pronounceadjective (of a disease) prevalent over a whole country or the world. I was sitting in the office at that time when it was declared a Pandemic. Gentlemen around me were bothered about the stock market crashes and the blood bath over there. I was still in denial mode and brushed off the existence of any such thing with indifference. 

Then, one evening while leaving the office, just had a weird thought, that maybe we will come back to these four walls and the building after a long time. Something inside me just stirred and I looked at the walls longing with the thought of saying goodbye. There was no reason as of now to think so. But, the tug came and I bid bye to my office and stepped out. (It’s been 4 months since).

Shortly after, the one day Janta curfew was announced in India by the Prime minister on 21st Mar 2020. The event was marked by historic clapping for the health care workers. I joined in and had a tear or so when I did the clapping. I attributed it to my emotional nature and said 

I shed tears for everything. This is just one of them. God bless the people that I am clapping for.

Just a day after this, as hinted by the Prime Minister, the first lockdown started. Again, I had to scratch my brain to understand the meaning of lockdown.

A lockdown is a requirement for people to stay where they are, usually due to specific risks to themselves or to others if they can move freely. The term “stay-at-home” or “shelter-in-place” is often used for lockdowns that affect an area, rather than specific locations

So the routine under lockdown started. Working from Home was not new for us as we at IT are used to it. The engine was running smooth and we were able to achieve deliveries without any impact on the timelines due to the pandemic. In fact, our team got achievement awards for performance excellence. Still, the pandemic was allein to me and I was unaffected by its wrath.

Having said that, I was affected by the news of rising positive cases and the deaths caused by it and also the plight of the migrants who had to travel long distances to be with their loved ones. I also was affected, by the awareness that small and medium businesses were badly hit and people were on the verge of bankruptcy or already struggling to make a livelihood.

Meanwhile, I was following the guidelines and instructions set for precautions to be taken in order to avoid infection from the virus. I had my mask (singular) and gloves when I ventured out into the world to grab the essentials. The word essentials also came into a new light and understood it better.

essential/ɪˈsɛnʃ(ə)l

1. absolutely necessary; extremely important suddenly, it dawned upon me that the humble soap and toothpaste now fall under the elite category of “Essentials”. Milk was already on the top of the list. It was the realization that things that were taken for granted are now “Essentials”. 

Slowly, the pressure of isolation was getting on their nerves and people were finding ways to cope with it in their own way. Some sang some danced, some drew, some wrote and some just watched these things happening and encouraged their friends and family. The human spirit was trying to ease the pain and the knowledge of “Oneness” started arising. Hate trolls were reduced and now each one looked for support in another. The shift was very evident.

During this period, I had to take a major decision that had an impact on me. But, as it was necessary, I had to move a loved one to a hospice where better care was expected.

I was still not afraid and was happy in my own bubble of doing routine stuff, talking, giggling to random things with friends on Zoom calls and yes, had a few very special moments experienced during this period. 

All was good, until one day the hell broke loose on a Friday evening. I was having a stroll around my building with my street dog friend, having fun with him with music blasting in my ears when I got the call. “ the hospice where I had my husband, had confirmed 3 positive cases in the centre” . Those words were like slow acid that initially didn’t have any impact on me, but when slowly they sunk and the burning started. The myth of “things only happen to others was staring in my face once again”

It’s not that I haven’t been in this situation before. There were many such incidents earlier that date back to almost a decade and a half when such acids were poured into my ears. “ the biopsy result is positive, it’s malignant. Her prognosis is poor” “ the tumour is 4th grade and aggressive” “cancer has relapsed” “he has got Alzheimer's” and “the viral load is high” I have heard such acidic statements before and hence it was not new for me. Then why am I behaving like a novice now? Maybe, the shock was new and the processing had to begin.

After, the initial outburst, it was time to stop and start the action. At one point, it was so overwhelming, that I felt like running away and hiding in a cave until the danger passed away. 

But such a cave where we can hide from our fears is non-existent 

The next day, symptoms started appearing and the complexities demanded an ICU for observation. But, as the COVID test result was yet to be received, the doors to effluent hospitals were closed. He had to be admitted to a smaller hospital with very basic, minimum facilities.

The struggle in that small hospital were basic ones, like providing and feeding food on time, ensuring hygiene is maintained etc. The first report came in as negative, but with incorrect name and age. Hence, a retest was required. We lost 1 1/2 days in it. The second report came after a day it was positive. Again, the same response of choosing between Fight Or Flight came. The journey was again about to begin (again).

In between all this, the mental well-being of all concerned was at stake. The history of his medical complications and the scare that this pandemic had caused was a lethal mix of potions that each one of us took. With help and support from influential friends and family, we could shift him to a super speciality hospital for further treatment. Where thankfully he is being treated properly and improving.

Coming back to the emotional aspect again. When the cancer was first detected 14 years back, I was introduced to a social group that did the counselling of near ones of affected patients. There were social workers who spent time with you explaining the techniques to adopt to fight the anxiety and panic attacks. 

Though the mental strength was there, there were vulnerable moments when you get off balance. Overthinking and the fear of the future toppled years of practice of mindfulness and awareness of the present situation. The “One moment at a time and One step at a time” theory are practically applied, but there are weak moments when doubts put your head up and you go for a toss into an emotional downhill spiral. The spinning is high and the advise and care offered by loved ones fall on deaf ears and mind.

The acceptance that people are around you (virtually) does not come easily. Unlike in case of a heart attack, where there is a queue of loved ones waiting to meet and wish you, in COVID infection you are left alone in the care of strangers who a few days back were just the Health care workers that you had clapped for the other day.

The transition from everything that you have to everyday isolation in the constant danger /fear of the unknown is heavy. Light-hearted people fall down in this journey. They trip and make some mistakes on this road. The caretakers especially in this case are the worst affected. They are fully aware that the infection is not within them, but it’s right there staring at them from a distance.

Caretakers have a choice to stay or run away, but most of us choose to stay. Because human nature is made for nurturing and taking care of each other. Even in wild, if a baby elephant falls into a pit, the other elephants stay put and pull it up. They don’t abandon and carry on with their stuff. 

Response to danger is wired differently in each one of us, but ultimately, the true human spirit will always rise to the occasion and will help the fellow being in danger.

Coming back to caretakers, I got to meet similar people in the smaller hospital and saw that they are also in the same boat as I am. Some were there with others' support and some were alone like me. But, all of us were fully aware that we were on a Suicidal Mission

Suicides are sometimes cold-blooded too.

When the moment came to take him away to the bigger hospital, another panic wave rose to shake me to the core. “ What if this is the last time I am feeding him? What if this is the last time I am speaking to him? What if he never comes back?” But “shhhh” you are not supposed to say all this aloud, because you are taught to “stay positive and say positive”

This suppression of emotions is stifling and the caretaker is slowly poisoned internally with such thoughts. The body sends survival signals that the caretaker tries to avoid, hence causing a conflict within. 

When the ambulance guys finally came in and took him away, I gave Him a big Hug and told him to hang on. I have learned throughout my life that The strength obtained from the sense of belonging is very high to fight off any danger. The thought that you are not alone is enough to tide and fight the war.

The soldiers face the bullets because they know civilians have their backs.

With a tight hug and whispering the idea that you are not alone, we are there with you, I bid goodbye to him and shut the doors to the ambulance.

The vehicle started and did its job of transporting a patient infected with a deadly virus to a facility meant for treating it. The ambulance guys, like the other angels in disguise, were aware of the danger, but still took the risk.

I had watched “Nipah” and “90 Days” movies during the start of the pandemic and had the visuals of how health workers/ambulances come and take you away. But, now, I had experienced it first hand. It actually happened right in front of my eyes. What am I doing? Is it a nightmare that I have to get up from? No this was reality unfolding before me.

So the trauma was again felt. The mind went for a toss again and tripped into a never-ending hole. The loved ones tried to pull me back as the other elephants would do to pull back the elephant fallen into a pit. But, this mind’s elephant refused to give its trunk or tail to other elephants to help. It shut down and sat quietly in the pit.

Others were shouting, screaming to take their hand and come out of the pit. But, the mind and body had shut down. They started finding reasons to justify this refusal and argued with their loved ones for no reason. The push back mechanism had kicked in.

One fear the emotionally traumatized person has is the fear of passing the trauma to others as is without filters. The people who are there to help you put in their everything without expecting anything in return, but the traumatized person does give a part of their trauma to them. He/she passes the burden to the helpers and that turns into guilt. It’s a blessing that people understand you to the level of forgiving you for your tantrums.

Coronavirus has statistically proven its might and there are objective stories about it. But, the emotional side is yet a dark area that has to be dealt with because of the nature of the isolation tag that it carries along with it.

I am blessed with my angels who are constantly trying to pull me out of my pit. They continuously check on me and provide food and care including listening patiently to my emotional outbursts. 

If in future, I am required to go out again in the field and do the things for others, I am ready to do so. The incident has prepared me to be less fearful of the disease and to take care of myself and others who need us.

With this, I am closing this long blog with heartfelt gratitude to all those who stood by and also to all those who couldn’t be with us but still kept us in prayers. 

Humanity is a wonderful job. It gives you both income (love) and outcome (satisfaction).