Nani’s Bhagavad Geeta - Frustration

"Although it's bright and sunny outside, the air is sober inside. It feels like the body is lighter and heavier simultaneously. There are knots in the stomach that divide the body into two parts. The lower body is cold as ice and weak as a straw, while the upper body is hot as fire and heavy as a rock. The gut-wrenching feeling rises every few seconds and dives into the black hole of nothingness. This familiar feeling of despair is a constant now. My friend - I can touch it and greet it too." Chintu stopped, lighted a cigarette from the case, and offered one to Bala. Bala nodded negatively.

"Where is Meera?" Bala asked. Her absence was conspicuous. 

"Meera? She is out of town. One of her marketing campaigns, you know." Chintu huffed, "she is a big shot now - head of India geography." he boasted "and look at me?" he smiled, "a nobody. But wait, I call myself a freelance writer." he chuckled. Bala could sense his sarcastic tone.

Though Bala was away in the USA, he was aware of Chintu's life and the key events. Chintu and Meera were an average couple, living together for fourteen years in a rented apartment in a high-rise tower. She worked as a head marketing executive at a leading advertising company, and Chintu was a writer, working from home. Pushpa had updated him in an email just before he landed in Mumbai about Chintu's sickness.

"Go on; I am all ears. I am here with you for the whole day." Bala gently pressed Chintu's hands and assured him of his undivided attention.

"I have converted a small apartment corner into my secluded nest with only a futon and writing desk as my companions for the never-ending days that stretched motionlessly." Chintu continued. 

"I read about your new novel. Tell me about it. How is it doing?" Bala was excited to read the novel, but it wasn't available for sale in the USA.

"My new novel, huh," Chintu didn't sound pleased, "it's online for a while now, needing the desired response. Strangely, Meera's prediction turned out to be true when she critically passed my book as monotonous and unrealistic. According to her, my writings were not ambitious enough, and my characters were too forgiving." he sneered.

 "This is bull shit, Chintu. No one could relate to such sacrificial tendencies. Your characters never demand; they are too submissive. They lack the motivation to acquire things. That's too one-dimensional, - she had commented callously after reading my first draft of the work. I dismissed her views as coming from someone who measured her success to the material gains. The character's submissiveness resonated with their self-worth undeterred by external conditions, and their forgiving nature reflected mindfulness and acceptance." Chintu tried to explain the conflict between his and Meera's idealogy to Bala. Bala nodded knowingly. Chintu and Meera were poles apart, and their personalities differed to such an extent that if they were two countries, their bilateral talks would never exist and would be in an eternal war. He still wondered how these two people decided to tie the knot and commit to each other- forever.

"My life is like a fan, moving in circles, going nowhere." Chintu ridiculed.

Bala shifted sideways to look outside the balcony. The Gulmohar tree had bloomed very well this year, with red flowers. He liked this tree that bloomed once a year in summer. They could also hear a cuckoo singing from a distance. Feeling nostalgic, they were transported to their childhood for a brief moment when he, Chintu, and Pushpa listened to Nani's endless stories and wisdom under a similar Gulmohar tree.

 

"My days pass exceptionally slowly." Chintu turned around and closed his eyes with his hands over his forehead, thinking about the morning incident.

 

"Chintu, you lack the spark in your life. You are a home plant that does nothing but lay around in the house without a meaningful impact on the outside world. You are wasting your energy in writing mindless fiction that nobody understands." He could see Meera's disgusted face. She was standing outside the bathroom with wet hair and a towel around her torso, frowning." You are a sick money plant in the pot. Smelly and diseased." She screamed, flaring her nostrils with tears of rage rolling down her cheeks. Meera had left the apartment in a huff, leaving him alone once again to pass the endless day lying on his corner mattress, looking at the ceiling fan.

 

He looked at the lifeless money plant lying still in the other corner of the apartment. 

He got up to go to the bathroom to get a bucket of water to spray the money plant. The unconditional plant received water with gratitude and looked refreshed after the shower. Keeping the bucket near the money plant, Chintu returned to his mattress near Bala, lighting another cigarette.

 

"What if I want to be a money plant my whole life? What if I want to sit around motionlessly and watch the world pass? What if Meera could understand this point of view and accept me as I am?" Chintu brooded. "I feel Meera is being unreasonable. Chintu, you would never listen to me. Why are you so difficult? Why don't you have any expectations or conditions from me? I am bored of your silent and giving nature. It stifles me to stare into your lifeless eyes; that doesn't expect anything from me, she once told me on a cold winter night after she returned from a new year's party hosted by her manager at his house. Chintu stopped and, looking at Bala, said, "How indifferently she told me, 'You are a lifeless money plant with no desires'? Bala could see Chintu's eyes getting watery and his nostrils red. 

 

Bala noticed the dusk setting in - he got up to put on the lights as it got darker. The money plant's shadow fell on the floor as soon as the lights were on in the living room. Seeing various shapes of the leaves made from the lights overhead was amusing. The simple plant looked different in the changed lighting. The shadows gave another dimension to the plant, which looked more elegant and royal, with shades of black and grey on the floor. Is this how I would look if Meera changed her perception of me? Will she observe my different shades if she makes an effort and throws other lights on me? Will she see all my dimensions and love me for it? Chintu thought.

Bala had no answers to these questions as he walked towards his corner, waiting for Chintu to regain his composure.

 

"I lost to Meera's prejudice and her point of view about me. She always saw me as an incompetent, lazy man who was no less than the house money plant, lying and waiting for nothing in a corner. But I had my shades too. I want Meera to throw different lights on me to watch the spectrum. I, too, have the breadth and depth she'd never explored. She never watched my personality dance in a compassionate, understanding light. I bore the label of a failure and stocked away as a sick lifeless plant." Chintu's monologue continued.

Bala drew a deep breath and, sitting next to Chintu, asked, "Chintu, do you remember our Nani?

"What about her?" Chintu probed to learn more.

Bala pulled out an envelope from his chest pocket and handed it to Chintu. "It's from Nani," he said. "She persuaded me to visit you. Please read it in my presence. It's Nani's wish. "

Chintu hurriedly grabbed the envelope from Bala's hands and opened it. His eyes were blurry as he started reading the loving letter from his beloved Nani.

"My Dearest Chintu,

Please find your Nani's blessings and abundant love enclosed in this letter. I hope you are doing well.

The reason for writing you is two-fold: to reach out to you through this medium and convey my blessings, which I will never forget. Every day I pray to God for your well-being. And second is to remind you of a few things you have forgotten.

Have you forgotten Nani's teachings about self-worth? Have you forgotten the stories I told you about inner strength and self-esteem? Yes, you have; I strongly feel so. Otherwise, why would my Chintu be so sad about the external beatings of the world? Has my Chintu lost faith in himself? Or has he started giving importance to the noise outside? Did he not stop and calm his mind with deep breathing (remember I taught you pranayam - hope you are practicing it)? 

You are sad because someone said something, not to your ego's liking. However, have you pulled your ego out and trapped it in a box, as I had demonstrated to you? Here, I will repeat it for you - Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Imagine your ego, a green, ugly hairy ball, sitting in your chest, congesting the free flow of positive energy. It is fed by the sounds you hear, the food you eat, the smells you smell, the sights you see, and the things you touch. In general, the bodily senses feed or starve your ego. The ego is happy as long as the senses are happy, and vice versa.

The beast inside you eats you up and finishes your morals, values, and beliefs; Self-worth and self-esteem are the most significant indicators of weak dependency on ego fed on senses. 

Don't let the beast grow. Cut it down and pull it out. Destroy it before it destroys you. My little beta Chintu would ask me, "How?". 

Beta, I have taught you meditation and breathing exercises. Please practice them regularly and lead a disciplined lifestyle. Quit smoking and other intoxicating habits - you know how upsetting that is. Take a walk every morning in the fresh air and sunlight. Treat yourself well and pamper your body and senses through natural things. You will see the difference. Our bodies and mind thrive on nature and its offerings. 

Once the ego is out and in control, the mind will follow, and your spirits will lift. That will reflect in your outlook and your work. 

Treat yourself kindly, listen to your inner voice, and shut down the noise.

That's all my dearest beta; I have to say for now. May God bless you, and you follow your true calling and purpose.

Yours loving,

Nani

 

PS: I agree with you. You are a stubborn house money plant. It will bloom without seeking validation. One day, it will climb the window and hug the Gulmohar, or who knows, this money plant will transform into a large Gulmohar.

Wiping his tears, Chintu neatly folded the letter and hugged Bala tightly as if he was the medium between Chintu and Nani and the communicator of gratitude. "Thank you, Nani. Thank you, Bala." Chintu added, "I had forgotten the values and the teachings. Go back to her and tell her she will get her Chintu back in shape in a few months - Not as a lifeless money plat anymore but as a blooming Gulmohar spreading its branches reaching out for stars."