Bauwra Maan

This is almost four year back story when i was working with my last organization in Koramagala, Bangalore. I joined there in Dec 2015. I was one of the best employee and was reporting to my HOD and directly to the MD. I met "D" whom i call Bauwra Maan there.

I Was working as a Technical CRM and D' was from Sales Team. I never knew much about him, not much than a colleague. 

During those days i was going through love break up and no one knew about it as i used keep myself engaged in work much than required. It was love for me but not for the person whom i loved. I would not like to talk much about him because we write or remember those who are special for us, who leaves a sign of remembrance and we like to treasure them. He does not falls under that category as it was a mistake of my life. We hear, what is in your faith has to happen. That was one of the bad chapter of my life lessons.

I was always busy at work and people around me. Very rare i used to see "D" in office as he had to be at site mostly for sales. Yeah, i remember when i used to wear a Sari and unfortunately he comes to office he would tease me and sometime will be walking behind me. But i never felt wiered and just smiled. Usually everyone used to like me in Sari attire and apprecaite my Didi the way she presents me. All appluase for dear Didi. 

Many times i have met "D" at site even when we used to have review meetings with MD in the project and sometime with clients. Whenever we meet we used to speak to each other and as usual I would be busy at work leaving behind everyone.

Later i came to know that "D" was dating someone who was a office colleague too. It never bothered me because i never ...

13th August 2018 was the last working day in the organization. I do not remember if "D" was their the day or not. When we spoke later he said he was there.

1st Oct 2018 i joined the new Organization. One of my writing "i lost my job" brings all about my experience in this organization. Readers can go through it if you all feel to read it.

I heard two or three colleagues from the last organization had joined the same company later by a month or two. Suddenly i met "D's" girlfriend there in office. We both greet each other and take a leave. We soon exchange our number and take a leave. Later, i get a call from "D" saying, Hi! He says his name and later end up saying do not inform anyone that myslef and my girlfriend has joined the company. I said ok that's fine. After that neither he called me nor i called him. I never met him in office too. I was located in one of the other building of the company. After some months i saw him and we just greeted each other and take a leave soon. This happened twice. And in the month of November i hope i met him again. For the first time we were sitting in the waiting area talking to each other just before the break time. His colleagues were heading down to the steps to reach the lift. One of his female colleague just smiled at him and asked, who is she in eye contact. He said she is my ex- colleague. She requested for a picture which i could not deny. It was not a great picture as i was not ready for it. I have never spoken to "D" sitting next to him ever. I ask him how is your girlfriend. And he was very happy to announce that very soon they are going for a registrar marriage and soon tie knot by March2020. I was happy and wished him all luck and said keep in touch. We soon say bye to each other. After that we never called up each other or meet at office for long. Actually we never called up to each other. One day i called him infact to convey him something about old office and we spoke for some long time that was half an hour. I remember we too spoke regarding a client where we both were being put on conference with the client. Days passed and we were only colleagues.

It's not like he had never pinged me. Actually he pinged me to wish belated New year wishes on 2nd Jan 2020 and i wished him too, followed by regarding the conference client i pinged him on 4th Feb for the customer update. Again he commented on one of my status on my cycling 9th Feb.

10th Feb 2020 suddenly i get a ping around 10:17pm from him. It was just the three words "I love you". It was just i completed my supper washed my hand and sit on the sofa. I was like what is this. I call my sister who was working in the kitchen like Didi, she says what happened. I say her see this what's happening. She ask,who is he? I do not know him, you never told me about him. Usually, didi knows all my friends. I never spoke about him. He was just a colleague. I started replying to his conversations and it was late night. Didi said he may be joking as it was valentine week. He will never date to joke with me. I hardly know him didi. Then what u say didi ask me. I don't know i replied her. He already has a girlfriend then why me. Later didi left for sleep.

"D" reveals i was his first crush. He had a crush on me when he saw me first in the previous organization. He tried to convey me his feeling so many times but did not get a chance. When he got a chance i could not understand. Actually mainey kabhi maan hi nehi dia tha. I was busy in my work and world. Later he finds his girlfriend and was happy with her. "D" said me even his girlfriend knew about his crush and used to tease him. I cannot say what i was feeling at such time when he was repeatedly saying me what he feels for me. Yes, i know reader or anyone may be thinking why did she continue the conversation if she does not loves him or liked him. He kept on saying after very message " I love you". This killed me everytime. D' said so many times " i love you" i love you" bohut baar. I could feel it, kahi dil mei jakey laga. But utna jor sey nehi par laga. Ha laga, hmmm thora sa. But i did not stop him saying it because it was his feeling which he had treasured in his heart. Everyone should be given a chance to share his or her feeling according to me. I just said him why suddenly today after so many years and that even when you have girlfriend and very soon teing knot. I kept chatting with him as he was lonely. He was. Sharing what was going on in his life. It was late night 12:45am. 

Truely saying no one had ever said magical words for me so many times, no one had ever told me that my eyes are beautiful. No!no! don't get me wrong. I am not in love with him. In all our conversation i just tried making him comfortable and realize his relationship with his girlfriend who is going to be his wife. I was worried he should nt take any steps which would ruin their relationship. Till then i did not reply to his proposal and not till today. 

Next day he had a review meeting in head office. I asked him not to meet me if he comes to office ever as i would nt be able to face him. But he did not agree to it and said i will meet you and leave office. I had nothing to say.

It was coincidence actually we meet the next day. It was lunch time and i had to come out as i had to handover a gift to one of my colleague who is located in Head office. I asked her to come near to my building to meet me just. She did not knew that i had a birthday gift for her. She was waiting for me since half an hour. She called me thrice will you stop your work for a while and come down. I said yeah i have stepped out please do not leave. I just step down and open the main glass door of the office i could see "D" on the other side of the road standing. I do not know why was he waiting there. I was about to escape he notices me but i somehow i escape and come to the next gate to cross the path to meet my friend. But what to do they both were standing on the same road at each end. We both started smiling and my friend had no clue why i was smiling at a stranger. I just started talking to my friend and surprise her with the gift. She was so overwhelmed she just hug me and kiss me in my cheecks. Meanwhile i see "D" stepping ahead towards us. My friend notices him and says who is he, Do you know him? I just nodded my head. She again hugs me and "D" comments " i am in the queue". The more my friends hugs me he says uff kash mei hota. He kiss me on my cheecks again and he murmured. When will be my turn. My friend find little wiered. I said donot worry he is my colleague and never mind. He too is waiting for me to meet. Later she take a leave.

Ok now it's "D" turn to meet his crush. Yeah, D was so happy. I could not approach him. He knew that. He said, "look at me". Actually i wanted to see him once but i could not.je was in formals. Hmmm a tall guy, little healthy ammmmm wearing a blazer. Sach bolo mei dekha D ko but He did not see when i scanned him. D says look at me again.  I said i need time to react normal. He asked, why were you escaping? I said i knew i will behave okward so. He replied that's fine. I just conveyed my feelings that's all. It's up to you how you take it. He asked, me can i hug you ? I said, No. He said as a friend. my reply did not change. After some time we said bye to each other. We met one more day in the evening. He called me up enquiring if i was there in office. "D"was excited meeting me. But as usual my reaction was normal. I could not face him and use to feel shy. He was just moving whereall i was trying to see around escaping myself from him. I told do not act like that. Stand in one place. He says, then look at me and speak. We are friends still. I said ok, come let's walk. We walked almost two rounds and stand again . But D's eyes did not stop looking at me. He was just smiling. Stand in one place people are watching. Until you look at me i will be behaving like this. Moreover i cannot control myself when i see you. Suddenly someone from other side of the road calls him. He says wait macha. They had been waiting for him since long time on other side of the road,he had to leave. The cab was even waiting for him. We cross the road and while crossing i just holded his hand for the first time. It was just friendship and nothing from my end. I dint know what D' was feeling in his heart and mind. So, Valentine's day it was. Hmm i called him and wished each other. we can wish each other. I asked him to plan something great for his girlfriend. He said yes, i will. 

We started talking over call about his difficulties in his relationship. Even i asked if i could speak to her to convince her. Later i thought it would not be good if she takes it in a wrong way. Many times he had asked me if i would like to marry him. But i told him only one thing it's very difficult to get a good life partner and he should not take up decision based on present situation. He should always think of the good days they had spend together. What ever is present it will go off. He just has to keep patience. But he said everything is over. I tried all possible ways but nothing is working. What about her,i asked. She says nothing,he replied. Sometimes he used to feel bad because everytime we speak i ask about her and what is going on. Are things going to be fine. If not both of you sit together and with mutual understanding take a wise decision. You both are young enough and have to live further. Do not give up. He again ask me , Will you marry me? Just answer yes or no. One word answer. He gave me time to answer which was not enough for me. But times does not matters here if i would have been loving him. I replied i am loving someone. Do he loves you? I said he do but family is priority and so he cannot proceed further with me. So what would you like to do. I said, i will wait. He says and if his reply is same. I said, am all alone. "D" hypers, what are you doing? You are back of some one who does not bothers for you and here am dying waiting for you everyday. I reply him, she is also waiting for you, get her back. He replies she will never come up, she does not bothers to call me. She never bother to ask me if i am fine. Do you ask her, i asked him. He replies, how much to beg her. I do not have answer. Later we stop and i console him. My heart says to my mind listen "But yes one thing I know He loves me. He likes me the way i am. He dies but he does not says he loves me but i can feel it in his eyes. He does not says i am beautiful but i feel it when he is with me. He does not says i love your eyes,hairs but i know he likes it. Hmmm he loves me. And i will wait for him. He knows that i know he loves me."

Before lockdown i was very upset . It was in the month of March. I have a bad conversation with my love where he told me in he does not likes me. But i knew he liked me and he was doing all this so that i leave him. Whole the day i could not work. I had to skip the review meeting which was over call. Later in the evening "D" calls me where are you? Why are you asking, asked. He said come to 2nd floor am waiting for you. I said no you please go away. I cannot meet you today. He could make out from my voice, are you fine? I said no. He said come down else i will come up. I said ok. I met him and he could see my face crying. We spoke for tens.minutes and by that time onenof my senior called me to attend a birthday celebration. I said i am not fine. You carry on but all other started calling me please come. "D" said ,go wish and come back i will be waiting. I said ok and leave the celebration soon. I asked "D" to wait for me in one of the mall nearby and will join him soon. We sat their for a while in a bench and started to speak. It was half an hour conversation where he ask me again will you marry me. D says very cutely hey listen,"  Marry me na. "I cannot see you like this. There was no answer and we left. Later i came to office where my friend was waiting for me as she was worried. I came and started crying loud in office. She knew what was going on with me. But we never told anyone about it. We were each other Raazdaar. Later i asked her to call "D" and ask if he could drop me home as i was not fine to ride by vehicle. He came running worried till then i could make myself settle down. I said it's ok am fine will head home alone. He said come i will drop you. But i thought it was already 8:00 pm and he would be late. But still he insisted to drop me till the other office building which i agreed to. Actually his boss was waiting for him there. I said, sit i will drop you. But he said, no you sit back and i will give you a ride, Phir kabhi mouka miley na miley. I said ok. Meanwhile my friend too left. She was late even and had to go far. We reach the other office and D leaves my DIO for me. We both stand there for sometime. We both did not knew what we were thinking. But i could say D wanted to be my support at that time but i stopped myself from that warmth. If that day it would happen, it would be bad for "D". I really was missing my love whom i wanted to hug and cry loud but i could not.  I really wanted but i stopped myself from doing so. Only i could knew what was happening with me. I was going mad for my love but could not express anyone while day i went through. I am still suffering. I took a leave soon without waiting there for any more seconds. After that we never met and we have been talking to each other over call very rare. After D' came one more day to office he called me up asking if i was there in office. I said yeah. I asked do i need to come. He said no need i will take a leave. So, i said ok.  After that we never met each other till today 23rd July.2020. Somedays back D'said he will come to office but he did not. 

Actually Milney ko maan tha paar. Shayad yahi acha hai. D' sey pyar tou nehi karti paar ha kabhi kabhi baat karney ko maan karta hai. Pyar tou kisi aur sey karti hu pata nehi shayad akeli hi reh jao.phir bhi aas hai unki islia kisi aur ki na ho pae.

Before this i had cried to "D" one more time when i was upset again. I stop my vehicle aside and give him a ring. D' receives the call, hmm tell me what's up. I stay silent and suddenly burst out. He feels worried what happened. Where are you? Tell me I will come. Please dnt cry. Tell me what happened. I said nothing i will leave sorry to call you and bother. I disconnect the call and start riding.

"D" said some days back that he had informed his mother about me. I said, what did she reply then. She said nothing just said do what makes you happy. We spoke for quite long time about her,him and his  future. He gets annoyed. He says talk about me. If you are so much interested about her then please leave me alone. I said ok fine leave her talk about yourself. Now i speak less abt her to him but atleast ask him to finish this all and start new which would be good for both of them. D is tired of hearing this but i do not stop. 

"D" and me are friends now. Hmmm you can say good friends where we share our feeling and our problems sometime. Sometime, we do vedio calls also. Sometime i ask him if your girlfilriend gets to knows what then. About me, if my love reads this story, i do not feels he will misunderstand me cause i share him everything what i do. Only difference is now he ignores me and i am nt able to share him what i am going through without him. My love knows i am a very emotional person and cannot hurt someone. I am going through so many tensions i cannot take one more. So let stop talking, i say D. But D says we are friends. And you had never said me that you are loving me. Infact, you have always tried saving my relationship with her. 

Somedays back i did a vedio call to D and we were speaking. That day as i was not well and did not go to office. Coincidence even D did not go to office. We spoke for a while, D keeps seeing me and suddenly says " i love you" with all his heart out. It was like he said on face. I just covered my face with the blanket. We again started talking, he shares a flying kiss saying I love you. I again cover my face. I do not react to D at all. He just said what the f*** and disconnects. 

Noo i dnt love him but i like him and care for him. I care for someone's love. My love started ignoring me10days lockdown starts on 23rd March 2020. And that lockdown was Lockdown in my lovelife. So much i had to suffer. He did all this so that i forget him soon. But it's not easy my love. I pray to God everyday to bring him back to me. I cannot express what i have gone through and still. Yes now he calls me in a week one or in two weeks once. he says he is busy. That's true. But i feel when i am in pain or happiness i want my love to be with me or share him everything then why not the same feeling for him. When he is in so much pain he is running away from me. Somehow we hardly speak now. We speak but not like how we used to. I am waiting for him everyday. He did not even do vedio call to me. He is not seeing me. I know why because it will make him weak. I know him dam he loves me but running away from me. 

Sorry, it's D's story and i have brought up my love story here. Pata nehi since many days i am trying to meet D and speak to him. But it's not happening. D is hurt as i did not respond to his proposal. He knows am waiting for my love. 

D' am sorry but i cannot make you an option in my life. I love him and if he does not fills my life with all his love i will be alone. I cannot hold any more hands. I am his. But yes, am lucky that someone loves me so much and respect my decission. I pray to God to bless you and be happy.  

Reader may think what i am doing may be not correct. But according to me there is nothing fault in it. This is mutual understanding and a maturity level. If i would have stopped the conversation in that one message i think it would not have been right. We should respect each other's feeling. Yeah, sometime it take to another level and sometimes like i am Lucky "D" understands my feelings and excepts our friendships. It hurts when you say NO to someone and stop talking to them rather than making the situation better. It pains when as i am suffering through. Atleast "D" is happy i speak to him. I hope everything end well and we all be happy in our future.

17th August 2020 i cried and called D if he can come and meet me. There was lot of disturbance, network issue and we had to disconnect and reconnect. Listening to my voice D was worried. He was like what happened. I said he sacrificed me because of family. He was like do not cry. I asked him if he can come down. I called him because i find a good friend in him. It was drizzling. D was quite far from my location. He had to meet a client and was on half the way. But he said you do not worry, i will postpone it. But I said work first so you carry on. But D was like no i will come and meet you. I said ok come i will wait. I settled myself to the nearest mall and asked him to come there. It started raining heavily. It was almost two and half hours. He was not responding. I could not wait anymore and called up another friend and left for her home. I was totally broken. I messaged D not to come as i had left already. I do not know if D would have come. I could not wait anymore as i was not in situation to wait there as everyone was starring at me since long time me crying sitting over there.

The next day I texted him saying i want to meet him and say sorry for what happened. But he said no that's fine you carry on. I said no i have to ask sorry meeting you. Later by afternoon i got ready and called him as i was searching for a cab to reach his location. I had no idea where exactly to go. I called him up and asked him to share the location. He said need not to come it's enough. I am not in my room. I said, okay tell me where should I come. I need to meet you. But he just started shouting, screaming on me saying hello it's enough of using me. I was like what are you talked ng like this. I respect you and i expect the same. Do not shout. You are miss understanding me. I never loved you nor i said yes to you ever. I see a good friend in you so do i share with you. But if you speak like this i can't take it anymore and will never call you. He said do you think i will ever be in touch with you. No way. He just have a sarcastic smile at me and disconnected. I texted him for the last and may be by that time he blocked me as i could see my message was not delivered.

Was this fair on his part to behave such. I always told him i can be your good friend and not more than that. I was totally broken back to back from love to friend. 

I think it was my mistake when i spoke to him even though i knew he was in love with me. I spoke to him cause i did not wanted him to break down. I was going through same situation and i cannot do that to anyone.

The next day i saw him in office but could not see him as i was afraid if he shouts at me. I can answer him but his respect will not be there. Moreover, i too have my self respect. 

But what happened he just stabbed me. We are no more friends. May he be happy everafter. May God bless him.

Bye "D" it ended up soon. I thought you will understand me but you hurt me.

THE END

Hi Everyone!!!

Hope you have read what I have pen down. Today morning i saw" D" suddenly in the parking  where i joined up my new office. I was in urge to speak to him but again though he ignores me that will be a insult again. I do not know if he had glanced me.

With all guts i tried to call him once but there was no response. Later u thought let's see what happens. I texted him. I was busy in another call i get a call  ha ha ha !!!! How can i ignore. I called him back. He was cool and i was little worried. I thought he might again bounce on me. But he was normal. He asked me did you call my other number . I said yeah! But you did not respond. So i had texted. He then says actually he had left his phone at home and the text was from his girlfriend. I was like ???what??? What to do now? He asked me what did you write. I said let's be good friends. You have blocked me on your other number so i tried reaching you out in the alternate number. He just said do not worry i have managed her saying we were fighting regarding some clients issue as there were complaints on the project. I was like are you sure she trusted you. He said yeah!. I said ok let me know if any trouble i will clarify her. Not a problem.

Later i asked him to meet me once and go. While I was messaging him from my desk suddenly someone holds my chair and says she is my friend and introduces his other friend saying take care of him. I was all of sudden like in surprised to see him could not even react. I said,why i take care of him? He was there in the office for sometime and we made up to move out and speak.

But! but !it's so difficult to react at office suddenly and people all around passing you try to observe you in a different way. Usually i donot move around with any guys out. Mostly i move around alone or i am seen with only my one and only bestie. But people can might have observed that i come out or speak to only one person and thats Bauwra Maan. Hmmmm ha ha !!!. 

Suddenly his boss could find us together and Mr. d is so nervous that he does not know what to speak now. He was meeting his Ex boss almost after a month. Yeah! His boss had moved to some other region. mr. d was like oh Hi! Meet her she has moved to different team etc. I was like i already met him and we had a chat with my boss man. He was like oh ok shy!!!. I just thought it's better to move out and give a space to both of them. 

After sometime i ask him for lunch. But he was like no am with boss and have to leave to site urgently. I said please come will treat you that will be my appology but he did not. I waited for him but he said he has to leave and catch up some other day. I said ok if you do not come i will not have my lunch. He said you please have it. I was hungry and time was running out and i at last had my lunch by 3:30pm.

I just asked D why did you do like that da. Blocked me yelled at me. Dint you know my situation man. He said i came man to console you but you were not there. I said i know you would have come but i did not have any more patience to wait as i was suffering to the core. So next day i called you to meet and so that I could appolozise but you just yelled and hurt me again. But what to do friends are friends and i am someone who will forgive if someone is genuine friend. Then we were like smiling. For a moment my eyes were filled but i just controlled myself as people were passing by. "D"i do not know what that relationship that i could forgive you after yelling at me. May be that day you were also hurt after you could not find me there where you left evrything and came to meet me. You forgive me and called me back atleast. That what friendship is all about. Mera baat choro mei tou dusman ko bhi maaf kar deti hu. I do not want to compare you with them because you are a special friend. You proved you respect me. 

Bauwra maan got married 6 months back. I asked him not to call me for his marriage. But his fiance called and invited. I said I have just joined two days back in organization so I would not be able to make it up. She said it would be good if you could have come. I said I do not promise but "all my best wishes". Uus din phir sey bura lag raha tha but I was fine. "D"  used to have a look at my status sometimes whenever I post used to post it. In between we spoke and gave a good news that he is going to be a Father. I was happy to hear it but phir sey eak ah nikli still I was fine. D could understand that I was weeping. He said aren't you happy, I replied I am "D". Then, why are you crying? I don't know. I did not love "D" but what was that something where I had a corner for him. He said don't cry again and again and hurt me. I was ready for everything but you were waiting for someone who would never marry you. I said she was already waiting for you I cannot hurt a girl and I was even not sure of it as I was waiting for someone blindly. Once if you would have said me I would have left everything and married you, dam! I replied no that's fine. Whatever were the differences between you two but she was waiting for you I knew both of them and I cannot do that for my happiness. He says for this you asked me to meet once. I could not meet soni called you. But it's good we did not meet because I cannot see you crying. Please get settled. Yeah we were about to meet once which could not happen like all time. And after that we never spoke nor "D" ever look back at my status nor we messaged each other. After some days I texted him s wife and congratulated for the new member to be in the family. 

I will always cherish "D's" madness for his first crush and how mutually and matured things were brought to line.

Always be happy and God bless you and you happy family.

It had been almost 10 months I pen down my feelings and today I ended it up. 

Thank you so much "Bauwra Maan."

30/05/2021

I thought I have ended up as I wrote to you my dairy but it's not so. U know dear dairy, this many days I have been stopping myself day one from him. I felt for him but I mmm kaise bolo utna nehi par tha kuch. Aur un dino mei, you also know very well what I was going through. I was so sure that my love will not leave me even though there were hurdles. On other part Even D's girlfriend was there. Yeah I know there was some issues between them but she did not leave him. So how could I say anything to him when I was stuck somewhere waiting for someone. 

I last spoke to him in the month of March 2021when he gave me the news of a new member in the family. Actually we were not talking to each other as I said him not to speak to each other as a beautiful flower is going to blossom soon. The more we speak it may bring some disturbance in his family. I would not be able to ruin someone family, happy happily. 

Those days I was still waiting for my love to speak to me come back to me. I did not even knew when my love fell in love with some other and he had totally forgotten me. He did what his parents wanted. I came to know when I was struggling in bed with high fever in the month of May 2021 struggling with life. For some moment I felt I would be alive any more and I should speak to him once it see him one before I die. But God wanted something else for not much but to suffer. 

Now, he is happy in his world and I keep thinking I was so sure about you and I left someone who loves me more than I do. You know dairy what D said once before we stop talking, he said ince you would have said , u would have left her and married you. I was waiting for your "Yes" bloody. I said, how do I say that, if my love would have left me than even I would not have flown my feelings to you as your Love was already waiting for you. I would have done the same. 

Some days before I texted his wife asking her how are they all. Actually I wanted to speak to him but as we were not talking so texted her. I even asked about him and his job. She says all well. I asked her when is her delivery date. She replied, 2nd Aug 2021. Baat tou bahana tha, to know how he is. Hmmmmm hhh.

Later, I texted him and he replied. 29th June 2021 suddenly I again texted him saying hope you are good..he replied. See dairy I just pasted everything what we spoke because that feeling was different and it would be good if you go through the original. Ha hmmm.

[29/06, 8:57 am] Bauwra Maan: When I wanted to be with you you left me with your reasons and you wanted to be with me you left with the same reason again. I don't know what is the mistake I did but I'm suffering for no reason. Yes I'm doing with your memories

[29/06, 9:07 am] Archu: U too do not know what m going thru. M all alone. He is committed to someone and getting married as his family made a promise and he cannot hurt his mother.

[29/06, 9:07 am] Archu: Let him be happy.

[29/06, 9:08 am] Archu: I do remember everything just I have to be quite as I cannot do anything now.i wrote my faith.

[29/06, 9:08 am] Archu: Hope u r doing good.

[29/06, 10:31 am] Bauwra Maan: I don't know what kind of situation I'm going through.

[29/06, 10:31 am] Bauwra Maan: But I'm missing you from the day when I say I love you

[29/06, 10:36 am] Bauwra Maan: For others we are acting and sacrificing our wishes but end of the day we are loosing ourselves as if we are living 300years and know faces to all over the world.

[29/06, 6:47 pm] Archu: Net was not there. So I did not receive the messages. Just came home so received ur messages.

[29/06, 6:55 pm] Archu: Nothing can be done u gt a child also. Nd day one I said I cannot ruin ur family.

[29/06, 6:57 pm] Archu: It's my mistake I am suffering. I was sure for him but  and if was not not sure also I could nt hurt Siri. She loves you. How can I hurt her for my happiness.

[29/06, 7:01 pm] Archu: I am happy I am there in one corner of your heart. I have always liked u when u said me for the frst time that u feel for me. I have ur messages still and read them sometime. Everyone says when opportunity knocks ur door u shuld grab it. But I could not. My bad luck I could nt make a good decision. Do not spoil ur family. Nothing can be done. U will forget me once u see ur child face. Don't worry.

[29/06, 7:01 pm] Archu: I want to write but I cannot. Be safe . I even had a chat with her too yesterday. Asked abt u too. 

And we stop there. Yesterday I was updating some status and he replies,

For me?? 

I reply yes as of now have it yourself. I would have feed you everyday.

[10/07, 4:05 pm] Archu: I would have done it everyday if ..

[10/07, 4:07 pm] Bauwra Maan: I know

[10/07, 4:08 pm] Archu: How u know. I have never said u

[10/07, 4:09 pm] Bauwra Maan: I know you archana...I can't be like a traffic signals always to give only directions...

[10/07, 4:10 pm] Archu: I don't have to direct me if I would have

[10/07, 4:11 pm] Archu: It's okay. Listen dnt know if u will. But I would like to hold ur baby once in my arms. Will you give that opportunity once.

[10/07, 4:11 pm] Bauwra Maan: If I'm not able to understand your feels I would have been in different world all put together😊 *IN YOUR LIFE*

[10/07, 4:12 pm] Archu: I would have loved you to infinity dear but our paths were not be together. So

[10/07, 4:12 pm] Bauwra Maan: I would have been the happiest father if you are holding my baby..

[10/07, 4:13 pm] Bauwra Maan: That we have created 😭

[10/07, 4:13 pm] Bauwra Maan: I know what I mean

[10/07, 4:14 pm] Archu: At least I can hold what u will have now. I am asking ur permission. If u r okay.

[10/07, 4:15 pm] Archu: That urs and siri baby atleast u can hold.

[10/07, 4:15 pm] Archu: I can rite or NO

[10/07, 4:15 pm] Archu: It's okay if u dnt let me.

[10/07, 4:16 pm] Bauwra Maan: You not someone in my life...I always consider you as a part of my life archana...whether I'm with you or not my thoughts are always there for you...permissions are not required between us...I was the same dilip whom I loved you from day one.

[10/07, 4:16 pm] Archu: Because I asked so many times meet me once but that did nt happen.

[10/07, 4:17 pm] Archu: I tried meeting u so many times but u never. So m asking permission.

[10/07, 4:17 pm] Bauwra Maan: 😇 you should not asked me

[10/07, 4:18 pm] Archu: The day we fought I asked sorry and came out to meet u but u dint even allowed me to meet u not shared ur address.

[10/07, 4:18 pm] Bauwra Maan: When I'm feeling you are mine I feel you will also consider the same

[10/07, 4:19 pm] Bauwra Maan: Seperation has happened in our minds archana not in your heart or mine 😟

[10/07, 4:19 pm] Archu: Dnt tell all this ha. Again I asked u can I come to meet u. It was holiday till I came to office while I was in propmart to meet u but u did not just kept in texting no no no

[10/07, 4:20 pm] Bauwra Maan: I did that because I wanted you to come out from your frustrations...

[10/07, 4:20 pm] Bauwra Maan: Not to go away from you.

[10/07, 4:21 pm] Archu: How will I I stead I broke down more and more. I just wanted to hug you and cry out everything wanted to talk to u spend time with u mite be I would have are myself ready for u.

[10/07, 4:22 pm] Archu: I made such bad decisions. I just kept in asking u meet me once meet me once but u

[10/07, 4:26 pm] Bauwra Maan: Archana first of all you are not clear about my proposal. 

Secondly you are in a mindset set to move out from situation. 

You always have concerns about Sirisha and Shaffiq but you completely forget about me and you....

End of the day we both where sitting in different locations and texting about mishaps....by this time you would have been in my arms and I would have been making love with you 😭😭😭

[10/07, 4:26 pm] Archu: Yeah

[10/07, 4:27 pm] Bauwra Maan: 😔

[10/07, 4:28 pm] Archu: In between A B there is not intermediate but why God has bought S here. Life circle twist.

[10/07, 4:29 pm] Archu: That evening hug would be always there.

[10/07, 4:31 pm] Bauwra Maan: I still remember warmth in your eyes and

[10/07, 4:31 pm] Bauwra Maan: I still feel it now

[10/07, 4:34 pm] Bauwra Maan: Whenever I feel you I feel like huggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggging you and not let you go

When I was reading this, I kept on reading baar baar. But I cannot do anything.

[10/07, 4:34 pm] Archu: I still feel the same in ur eyes and I asked u, r u crying? U said no..but ur eyes were filled with tears. I was not able to take off my helmet and u ask me holding my hand , Dint you really feel if I touch you. I said, no and tears rolled down my eyes.

[10/07, 4:34 pm] Archu: I lost everything D

[10/07, 4:36 pm] Archu: I was so sure for him I could nt say yes to u D, I could not say Yes to u .

[10/07, 4:36 pm] Bauwra Maan: But I cant loose you anymore archana

[10/07, 4:37 pm] Bauwra Maan: Whatever it may be I wanted to be with u

[10/07, 4:37 pm] Archu: I could not go so u came back and hugged u thinking dnt know again I would be able to or nt

[10/07, 4:38 pm] Bauwra Maan: I miss you

[10/07, 4:38 pm] Archu: I started crying D now, tears rolling down and m just pen down my feelings.

[10/07, 4:38 pm] Bauwra Maan: Please I can't see you crying

[10/07, 4:38 pm] Bauwra Maan: I always love your smile

[10/07, 4:38 pm] Bauwra Maan: Enough of crying

[10/07, 4:38 pm] Bauwra Maan: We are here for that

[10/07, 4:39 pm] Bauwra Maan: Half of our life ended up in crying

[10/07, 4:40 pm] Archu: Nothing can be done D. Now Baby will be there is some days. Both Siri and Baby will hate me if I .... The world will hate me. I can't I can't

[10/07, 4:43 pm] Bauwra Maan: *I CAN'T 

I'm fed up with this from you always.

[10/07, 4:43 pm] Bauwra Maan: at least for me

[10/07, 4:53 pm] Archu: For u only m saying. People should nt talk bad about u. If u leave ur family and baby no one will support you. Infact everyone one will blame me including siri and Kavya saying I ruined two families. I do not want. Everyone will curse infact. We will never be happy then.

[10/07, 4:55 pm] Bauwra Maan: Who is kavya now

[10/07, 4:57 pm] Archu: My friend Kavya

[10/07, 4:59 pm] Archu: Nd today I said my feeling which I stopped myself doing this from many days. But I am also human being I do feel. Nd after all what I have gone thru I just said it.

[10/07, 5:00 pm] Archu: If someone else hear this they will say u shuld have not said it now too when his family is growing. You shuld have kept it with u.

[10/07, 5:00 pm] Archu: I too agree. I again did a mistake.

[10/07, 5:01 pm] Archu: Did u have food

[10/07, 5:01 pm] Archu: As usual I will be concerned for ur food always

[10/07, 5:02 pm] Bauwra Maan: Still you are doing a mistake by thinking about others. 

What others where doing when you are crying 

What others where doing when we are suffering 

Always others wanted to say something if you give importance *OTHERS*

[10/07, 5:03 pm] Archu: Ok leave others. My humanity says it would nt be correct. Always remember it's good to hurt one than hurting hundreds.

[10/07, 5:04 pm] Bauwra Maan: You are hurting me again

[10/07, 5:04 pm] Bauwra Maan: Bye

[10/07, 5:04 pm] Bauwra Maan: I'm sorry

[10/07, 5:04 pm] Archu: So m already hurt. One more hurt will not kill me. M living m breathing rite. But it should hurt new one. It's very painful.

[10/07, 5:05 pm] Archu: Dnt behave like a child. U r gng to be a Father. What bye ha. That trurth. Nd i like you I felt for u is also truth.

[10/07, 5:06 pm] Archu: U dnt have to be. Infact I have to be.

[10/07, 5:06 pm] Archu: I know

[10/07, 5:06 pm] Archu: It's hurting me too.

With all these we just stopped. It was all my feeling I could not and it flowed. I do not say I am completely in love with" D". May be because I know he has a family and I cannot step forward. May be if he was single I would have stepped forward. 

Dear dairy, 

It's so difficult na. We do not know what's going to be in our life and we are stuck somewhere. 

For today itna hi. Phir aungi tumsey baat karungi.

11:7:2021