An Apology that is not worth a Forgiveness...

It was almost a year since I visited to my favorite place Ulsan lake, one evening as I sat quite starring at the river- Somebody placed hand on my shoulder from behind as I looked for who it was It was Roopa aunty, my friend’s mother in fact once up on a time best friend Naina’s mother…I stood up to move out of the lake but she stopped me holding my hand and asked me to listen to her words, I was broken emotionally as I saw her, but I still stood strong. We both sat – I was still quiet !!! she asked me, how are you? It was very difficult for me to say that I was fine- as I was not fine after seeing her… I firmly said I was fine and got up to move out of, she again held my hand and said – Neeta listen to me, I am here to give clarifications it was my luck that I saw you here- please let's go home I want to talk to you please don’t tell no Please… she pleaded.

I freed my hand telling me that I am not coming as I was not interested in any of her clarifications. She seemed not to leave me. I started walking away she came running behind me she pleaded again and again as it was very much important. I had no other way except to go with her- I agreed and said I would come only for half an hour……

As I sat looking outside the window, I remembered all the cheatings happened to me, there was a slight tear at the end of my eyes I wiped them silently… it was just a twenty minutes ride, I did not dare to step inside aunty’ s house, she held my hand and took me in… as I sat down my heart was thumping, I felt like running away as I did not dare to see my boyfriend with my best friend, but I found none inside except aunty. Aunty smiled and said – I know what you are thinking about!! I will tell you everything that’s why I bought you here. I will get some coffee; I know you like the cold coffee which I make you can accompany me in the kitchen like before will you?? I asked her to tell what the matter was as I was no more interested in her coffee… she smiled and silently wiped her tears.

She asked me to wait for a minute- as she came out of her room, she held a photograph and two letters and handed them to me… It was mine and Naina’s pic which I never knew that would be our last pic, I was angry – I tore them apart. Aunty started crying and said – it’s no use getting angry on your friend Neeta neither Naina nor Karan is alive….!! I was bit shocked hearing this I still chose to remain silent... Aunty asked me read the letter as I would understand everything.

Everything that was running in my mind was – Karan cheated on me to get Naina, he fooled me in the name of love, he broke me into pieces my marrying Naina but now even in death they are united… I screamed out loud, I screamed loud crying – aunty thought I was crying because of Naina and Karan’s death but I cried for my loss as the shattered me again appeared in front of me. She tried calming me down telling that she can understand my loss, I left like tearing the letters too aunty stopped and asked me to read just once.

I walked out, the lost memories were flashing in front of me – me, Naina and Karan were classmates I remembered the way Karan pleaded me to accept his love, the way we three had fun together, I had trusted Naina with all my heart she was more than my best friend ever addition to that Karan was added after we both fell in love... I never noticed Naina and Karan getting close though my other friends told me that there is something happening between Karan and Naina but I asked them not to talk shit about them as he was my love and she was my best friend. It was 25th September my birthday that whole day I waited for Karan to call me neither Karan called nor Naina!! One of my classmates Riyan took me along with him as I asked him where was he taking me, he asked me to just follow him.

I saw Naina and Karan sitting in hotel, Naina was lying and Karan’s shoulder holding each other’s hand. Its not…. Riyan interrupted and showed me the video of Karan was on his knees proposing Naina. I was dumb struck I did not know what to tell I went back home…. Next day I met them both they both behaved normal, I just smiled at them and left – I started avoiding them. They took many excuses to talk to me, Karan apologized for not wishing on my birthday telling that he had met with accident and had minor injuries while Naina said that her grandpa had expired... I replied with a smile and kept quiet.

A month passed, as I sat alone in the canteen Karan sat next to me, held my hand apologized me!! I asked him why? he said – he felt bad for cheating on me… I smiled and took Naina’s hand and placed it on Karan’s hand and left… I did not turn back; I did not utter a word as I very well knew I would break down… I cried whole night, I was sleepless for many nights, as I saw those two together there was an untold pain in my heart…

Two years passed but still my heart did not give up hope of Karan realizing his mistake and would come back. I was into job, I worked hard so that I would get busy and forget the nightmare which I was going through… One such day I got to know that Karan and Naina was married, I felt like something in me went away from me. I did not cry I continued working… though I heard that they were married I had not seen them since I left college. I got to see only when Roopa aunty showed me their marriage photo… I was cheated by my best friend as well as by the boy whom I loved.

I reached home thinking about the past I sat down wiping my tears. I saw the letters that was lying next to me, as I picked up the letter it was written by Naina…

Dear Neeta,

I know you would never forgive me for the fact that I have done to you, I have written many letters for you but none of them reached you I will try my best to make sure this will reach you for sure as I will handle this letter to maa…!! as this is my last letter.

 Such a drama queen … I muttered

Neeta the fact is true that I accepted Karan’s proposal though I knew that you madly loved him, I was helpless Neeta I fell for his care, I fell for the way he was taking care of you. His behavior towards you made me fall for him I was the one who tried getting close to him, eventually I succeeded I am sorry for taking your love away…

Though I got Karan as my life partner everything was fine till six months, I am five months pregnant Neeta but I am not letting my child to see this world, Karan is not simple as he seems he turned wild and weird- he physically abused me , he was mentally disturbed for cheating on you, he everyday remembered the way you placed my hand on his hand. He tore all the letters that I had written for you as he felt it was useless… He tortured me Neeta, it’s a punishment for cheating you.

Bye Neeta a final goodbye as I am taking my child along with me, I am leaving this world……

Your unfaithful friend………….

I was left in tears not for Naina but for her child who was innocent, I was curious to read the second letter!!!it was written by Karan…!!!

Neeta,

Neeta, the moment when Naina accepted my love after my proposal I felt it like heaven there was no words to express my happiness I had completely forgot that I had a girl who loved me with whole of heart when I looked at Naina’s eyes!! I know this is hurting you… we thought of maintaining our relationship in secret but later I got to know that Riyan had showed you everything!! I did not feel guilty when you ignored us, I really felt like it was a chance to get away from you. We had fun while leaving you alone in pain. I felt happy for the moment when you placed my Naina’s hand on my hand I really felt like our way was clear!! I never felt guilty for anything that was done to you, I felt like it is ok for you to be sad for little while thinking that you would move on later... we both got married, but one day as I was returning from work I passed through Ulsan lake, the lake where we both had lots of memories – you enjoyed holding my hand looking at the water, you enjoyed having long conversations. As I went in all I saw was just you it was just you Neeta. That day I realized how much you had loved me, how much you had sacrificed for me!! But it was too late, I saw myself in your place, I was devasted, I was broken Neeta!! I am really sorry I know its not easy for you to accept my sorry, but I am mentally disturbed Neeta, forgive me if possible….

With love,

Karan…

The next day I visited Roopa aunty! What’re all these I shouted??

She said that was the truth, Naina committed suicide as she could not bear the pain of ignorance your memories haunted her as she remembered all your help…. After two days of Naina’s death, everyone suspected Karan as he physically abused Naina. He was not able to overcome your memory as he started feeling guilty for his mistakes, upon that it was Naina’s death and people who blamed him for Naina’s death… That night we saw him dead …hanging …. Aunty started crying!! I am sorry dear I never knew these both had done such a big mistake and don’t worry dear they both faced their punishment… she sobbed...

I was devasted, I was still broken not because they both were dead and regretted for their mistake but because they still got reunited with death as I still hoped of Karan coming back…

Dairy closed!!??

Sometimes being ignored by your loved ones causes great pain and pushes one into mental disorders, Neeta was one of those patients who was mentally disturbed after being cheated by her love and as well as by her best friend, she was more shook when she heard Karan was dead as she still waited for his arrival. But she herself was not aware that she was in deep depression. When Neeta was admitted to hospital after she fell unconscious Neeta never uttered a word during her counselling and treatments we tried our best to make her normal like before but we failed to get her out of that trauma…

It was October 20th I saw dead Neeta in bathroom, she had cut her hand……. Being a psychiatrist Neeta’s case disturbed me a lot, if Neeta was treated before she had read letters, I felt there was a chance of making her normal, when I saw her dairy she had highlighted “they still got reunited by death” …… Roopa made a mistake, in fact a big mistake by handing her those letters…