A Spacewalker and her Space

                                                 

DISCLAIMER

This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this Story are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and unintentional.

'Space!' I exclaimed under my breath, the minute I stepped out and saw it.

Nothing had prepared me for the visual beauty and wildness that surrounded me, though I had been preparing for it, for ages!

Space………..Space………that vast………..black………and unending Space…………..that surrounded me.

For there was just Space………..and Space and more Space…………around me…….behind me…….above me….and below me……….Space …………or………..that black nothingness……….enveloped me, surrounded me, overwhelmed me.

And it was everywhere……around me…… behind me…….above me….and below me……….

But in front of me there was not just Space………….but the blue sphere……my home…………our home………the Earth!

Yes! I was out in Space!

When I mean Space…………….. I mean the real Space………that surrounds the Earth!

I, Susan……a space-walker…….was out of the space-station………into the infinite Space…… and was staring into the real Space………….the dark Space………..or the nothingness.

And was mesmerized by the lovely blue sphere that we call our home –the Earth. No wonder, I fell in love with it the moment I saw it!

That bright blue sphere, sparkling in sharp contrast to the surrounding darkness.

Which was also the place where 600 million people, countless animals and birds, and sea creatures and insects, millions of varieties of flora and fauna called it their 'HOME'.

Their comfort. Their shelter.

The sight around me, the serenity, the tranquility, the infinity, the borderless-ness of the Space……enthralled me, awed me, and overpowered me like nothing on Earth possibly could!

To say that I was thrilled would be an understatement.

Like I said, there were just no 'earthly words' adequate to describe the sight around me and my plight.

Especially, the indescribable feeling of insignificance and lightness….of being an insignificant floating dot in the Space……..a nothingness in the vast nothingness!

'What is the true nature of Space – is it with a border or is it borderless?' I had thought the moment I had stepped out of the space station and knew very well that my concept of 'Space' was going to change forever.

The challenge for me in the future would then be – 'Would I be able to handle this change and myself and my changed concept of 'Space' in the future?' 

I, Susan, was a space-walker, just 32 years old and married to Edward Wilson.

Edward or Eddie to close pals, must be looking up at the sky right now, and with child-like innocence and curiosity must be trying to locate me………fingers pointed at the night sky…..trying to track me……...me… Susan….who was at present, floating in Space……………a mere dot in the infinite Space….like one of the innumerable stars in the sky.

I was pretty much sure that Eddie and I must be now both going through remarkably similar emotions though we were in exactly opposite positions. Both were looking awe-struck at the diamond-studded sky surrounding us, Eddie from our backyard in Kansas and I from the Space over the Earth.

This means that however further we go from Earth, our fascination for Space and Sky and Stars remains the same!!

A powerful thought!!

And we humans feel that the Space-walker, who is the furthest away from the Earth……………..knows about the Space and Sky and Stars way better than her companions on the Earth!

How silly we are……..we, with our knowledge about Space and Sky and Time.

While in reality, the more we learn the less we know…………..the higher we go, the lesser we know.

For my feeling of amazement was in no way lesser than the feeling of a five-year-old, who might at this very moment on Earth, be gazing at the Space and must be feeling thrilled to bits and equally stunned.

'There are no boundaries on the Earth' was one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind, when I saw the beautiful blue earth from Space.

'All boundaries, physical or moral, are man-made' I realized profoundly, as I thought of all the boundaries and borders, which divided men and hearts.

'And there are no boundaries in Space too!' I realized with an equal alarm.

I, like millions of humans, had always known it, but to see it…………physically……..with one's own eyes……….the reality that there are no boundaries anywhere……..either in Space or on the Earth…………and all boundaries and limitations are only within us………and are the product of our creation………was too profound a thought……..and this thought itself, was enough to tire me ………..exhaust me………..mentally.

The other thought that haunted me was the presence of Silence…. total Silence….Supreme Silence………… Silence as if the sound had not even been born and as if Silence was the only natural and truthful thing in which our entire solar system, our earth, our existence……….was embedded. 

I had read somewhere that astronauts get so used to the vastness of Space and the long episodes of Silence during their mission, that they start searching for the same Space and Silence on earth. Resulting in the fact, that try to find solace away from big cities and human civilization……………human civilizations which had progressed leading to an increase in sound and noise and reduction of Space and confinement of self in tiny apartments and homes.

Astronauts start liking belonging to the vastness and Space of the entire world and not just their homes.

And are often found……… living in a secluded place, isolated from civilization, since they just cannot tolerate the noise and the population and the pollution on earth.

Another thought that crossed my mind when I looked at the Earth, suspended by the invisible strings of gravity in the darkness of Space, was that ……………………maybe life on Earth might very well be an insignificant accident. The theory of an asteroid hitting the earth and populating it with its microorganisms crossed my mind and I realized that we and all the living beings on the Earth may be the result of an accident in Space. 

An accident, both trivial and commonplace, in the vastness of the Space.

Which meant that we might as well be Nature's pleasant mistake, like an unplanned pregnancy! 

'Pregnancy! That was one of the many important things that I had not yet experienced!' I said to myself a bit ruefully and my mind went to my stomach……..which would one day………….hold a baby in its cocoon, like the earth, was being held in the cocoon of the Space……….where my baby would float in the waters and remain protected in its Space………for was not a mother's womb 'the safest space in the world!'

I turned my thoughts back to our Earth—which though a dot in the Space………was a World in itself!

For in its Space, were housed the Educated and the Learned with all their books and degrees and knowledge, the Rich and the Powerful with their innumerable wealth and assets, the Brave and the Courageous with their exploits and conquests, the Champions and the Winners with their adventures and victories.

And the Space inside our Earth contained the entire story of our evolution and progress…….of greatness and courage and bravery and brilliance and power and money and fear and importance and equality and democracy and education and achievement and manners and morals.

Our Earth- which was the Space where we, humans, had created our existence, our identity, which was reflected in our art and culture, music and melody, literature and mathematics, language and poetry, power and post, degree and designation, ambition and money, bravery and achievements, morals and manners, fear and respect, youth and beauty.

This was the Space that we humans thrived on!

This was the Space that defined us!

Our Earth, though we considered being our all-encompassing World…was in physical reality but a tiny dot in the black space……..totally trivial, completely insignificant….though each one of the millions of people……..had an inflated ego which could suppress all the Space in the Universe!

With a pang, I doubted whether I would be able to respect or fear anyone, either the Brilliant or the Brave, the Rich or the Powerful, the Warriors or the Winners, the Beautiful or the Mighty, once I landed on the Earth!

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As soon as I got inside my space-station, I still kept on wondering………..and realized that 'Was it not just the physical space which we had separated as 'my country and yours'?

Suddenly, I realized that 'Space is within our hearts and outside our hearts.'

'Space is within our minds and thoughts and outside our minds and thoughts'.

Space defines us………Space separates us……..Space identifies us……….Space binds us……..Space sets us free. 

The Space in our minds is occupied by beliefs and customs which either unite us or separate us. But most importantly, it defines us. 

There is Space inside us and outside us………between us and around us………….. Space which is punctuated by silence and coldness if the emotional distance between the two is just too much………..Space is bridged by silence and understanding without words if the emotional distance between the two is just nothing.

Space is at times Solitude.

Space is at times Loneliness.

Space is at times cold.

Space is at times warm.

Space is at times 'my space'.

Space is at times 'your space'.

Space is at times our enemy.

Space is at times our friend.

Space is at times very vast.

Space is at times absent.

Space is at times 'very personal'.

Space is at times 'all-encompassing'.

I vowed to discuss these concepts about Space as soon as I reach Earth and get to speak to my friends, family, and colleagues.

Reporters, I know will ask the same predictable questions like "Dr. Susan………how did you feel when you were out there………..alone in space?"

My answer would be: ‘Blessed!’

"What was the experience like?……….frightening ……….liberating" 

My answer would be: ‘Extraordinary!’

"Do you believe that there are aliens in outer space?"

My answer would be: ‘Maybe!’

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Meanwhile, I promised to sleep over all these queries and had to hole up in my bed, in the space shuttle.

I spent complete two days in my small cramped Space……..and once again my definition and experience of Space changed drastically………..from viewing the vast space around me during my Space-walk, just a few days ago…..to the crammed Space, which was my home for a two days.

And my definition and experience of Space changed drastically once again when I returned to our base station on Earth and had to be quarantined for 15 days, in a small air-tight room, with a strict protocol of 'Do's and Don'ts to follow'.

From the immense scale of unlimited and undefined Space where I was floating just three weeks ago to this limited and defined quarantined space…………. I had traveled a long……..long way. 

And that journey had not been just physical…but also mental and philosophical.

My quarantine period was over, so I left for home…………to Kansas.

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When I first set eyes on my dear home, something seemed different.

Was it different or was my view different?

Something in the Space in and around my house, felt as if it did not belong there.

But what was it?

My husband Eddie, was standing outside, to greet me, beaming a big smile, ………..along with his boss Laura…….our neighbors Mr. and Mrs. Murphy………..my best friend Irwin, his dog Angel……….our family friends Dr. Rao and his daughter Revati and wife Sandhya, Ryan and Wills Raymond, Chuck and Rita Berry……..with their kids in tow……….smiling their best smiles……………everything …….absolutely everything looked completely familiar and normal…………yet something was definitely out of place………..or was it ‘out of Space?’

Nothing that I can place my finger on…………..but something was different……….though I could not see it……….I could only feel it…….deep in my mind………that something which was missing……….or fake.

Even the scene inside the house was as normal as it could be.

I had known all along that a 'Surprise Welcome Party' would be arranged by Eddie, as discreetly as he could!

True to his nature of partying and his sense of keeping surprises, a 'Surprise Welcome Party' was indeed organized by Eddie, my love. Who had left no stone unturned to turn the entire living room into a carnival of sorts………..with colorful balloons and posters proclaiming loudly 'Soooooo proud of you!'            'Even the Sky is NOT THE LIMIT!' and 'Astronaut of the year!' 



Even an Earth-shaped chocolate walnut cake, occupied a place of prominence in the living room, and with champagne glasses clicking and friends cheering…………..the party had just begun!

I was overwhelmed by the welcome accorded to me and kissed my husband, to thank him for his un-trying support.

As we, Eddie and me, welcomed every guest with warmth and affection, walking around the living room, hand-in-hand, I could feel a strange Space between us, which I had never known before!

'Must be the time and distance that we spent apart from each other has taken a toll on our relationship'- I attributed with a wife's instincts and promised myself that I will have to do a lot to bridge the Space, this awkward Space, which had crept between us.

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With the party over, the guests seen off, I retired to my bedroom with my husband.

Suddenly my bedroom seemed different. Or was I seeing it with different eyes?

There was something in that space that was foreign to me……

I looked at my husband………who looked at me and smiled understandingly.

"I know you will take time to adjust," he said and slept off soundly, leaving me to gather my thoughts and analyze them and maybe even repair them.

As soon as I lay down on my bed, I could sense that 'something was surely different'.

What was it? Was my bed too soft or my blanket too heavy than the ones that I had used in the Space Station?

'Why were familiar things appearing strange and new?' I asked myself, a bit worried.

Since I could not find any answer, I reasoned to myself that 'Time will tell' and went off to sleep.

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The next morning, I got up at around 5:30 am as per my ritual and found that my husband was not in bed. 

'Must have gone for his morning walk at 5: 00 am sharp' I said to myself and started tidying my bed, as was my habit of years.

When something near my pillow caught my attention.

A strand of hair……curly and blond!

'Blond!' I said with an alarm, a chill running down my spine.

For neither my husband nor me……….none of us were even a bit blond.

Among our friends and family and neighbors also there were very few blonds…………except for …………except for ……..Laura……..Eddie's new boss!

'Laura!' I almost said the name aloud to me.

'So Laura had invaded that Space between us' I thought bitterly 'No wonder…………. I was feeling something was different.' I reasoned with equal bitterness.

I was silent for a long time.

‘Silly me!’ I then chided to myself! ‘As if silence could solve my problems!’

'Laura had invaded that Space between us' I repeated to myself 'Which meant that there definitely was some visible Space between me and Eddie and …………Laura……she just came in between'.

'Space between you and your spouse should be just enough to give each other their personal Space' My mother had once told me 'But that Space should never be even slightly more than a third person can creep in between and make himself or herself comfortable.'

After my mom's words of advice and caution, I had formulated my formula regarding relationships:

Less Space= stifling for a relationship.

More Space= destructive for a relationship.

I recalled that when my husband used to go through my mobile messages and whatsup chat, I used to feel that my personal space was being invaded.

But how do you know what is 'less Space' or 'more Space'?

Who defined it, validated it, or confirmed it?

For what is less Space to one person can be very Spacious to the other and vice-versa. This means that the concept of Space itself is relative.

So is there anyone formula, one scale which can uniformly test- Space or the lack of it? I very much doubted it.

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My train of thoughts was broken when Eddie suddenly barged into the bedroom and saw me standing with a questioning look on my face and holding the strand of blond hair in one hand.

Eddie looked at me and the strand of blond hair and at me again.

"Laura?" was the only word that came from my stunned mouth.

"Yes!" Eddie said simply and went to play tennis, as per his routine.

I guess that was Eddie's concept of owning up and maybe even confessing……….though he never once looked like the 'guilty types'.

With Eddie gone, suddenly our four-bedroom, 5,000 square-feet house appeared very large and empty………and Spacious………..way too Spacious for me.

I never thought that empty Space could torture me so much, even when I was out in real Space! 

But when I started feeling lonely and very alone……….even the 5,000 square feet of Space on which stood my house and the green yard, tortured me.

Moreover, I realized that this Space was not calming me…………in reality, it was making me really miserable.

Which meant that does Space too have different moods and colors, much like our thoughts and mind?

Or is it our thoughts and mind which color the Space inside us and outside us………?

'What if Eddie leaves me for Laura?' this mere thought made my world crumble and I could feel the Space around me, closing in on me……fast…….and leaving me with very little breathing space.

And I almost coughed in reflex.

A moment's thought led me to believe that this could very well become my reality and my mind started wandering, my heart panicking.

It was then that I did what I usually do in such situations.

Sat cross-legged on the floor of the living room, eyes closed, taking deep breaths and meditating.

I had been regular and very disciplined at meditating…………..no wonder………..I could go into the meditative state, quite quickly and effortlessly.

That meditative state when thoughts stopped, worries stopped, emotions stopped………..even Time stopped!!

That moment when one was 'thoughtless' and started experiencing 'timelessness'.

It was then that I started floating in the air…………in Space…….feeling lighter…………happier…….calmer.

Once again, with a jolt, I found myself in a huge, limitless Space……..enveloped by Space….surrounded by Space……and felt that the Space in my mind and soul right now is perhaps equivalent to or more than the entire Space that I saw during my spacewalk.

With only one difference.

That Space I saw with my eyes!

This Space I saw with my mind!

Which made me wonder…….about the nature of Space…..how is it ……..finite or infinite? 

Large enough to fill the Universe or small enough to fill our mind and soul?

Is the Space within us the same as the Space in the Universe? 

Are we entrapped in Space or is Space entrapped in us?

Do we create our own Space or does the Space where we live create us? 

Space surely influences us for we are molded by whatever is in our immediate Space- like family, friends, neighbors, profession, relationships, beliefs, and customs.

Yesterday at the party, I felt lonely even in a familiar crowd, since I was feeling empty inside.

What is this Space which is inside us?

What affects us more- the Space within us or the Space outside us? 

Is the Space outside ourselves the outer Space or the Space outside our earth the outer Space?

Though I am an astronaut…………… I could still not give a candid and clear answer to this question on Space and the concept of Space continued to bother me……..even though I had been a Space-walker.

 But I only realized one thing……..that when I had gone from being a space-walker to being quarantined to coming home to my house to acknowledging my stifled relationship with Eddie to my meditative state…………. I had traveled from infinite Space to quarantined Space and then to an invaded personal Space and had finally gone into a complete meditative Space…… which was again infinite……………..in short…………. I had started from an infinite Space and had come back to an infinite Space ……. Like they say…..life is a cycle and …….my life ……..had indeed completed a full circle ……………in Space!