The Ceiling

How many cracks,

How many fractures

Till it crumbles?

How many more-

Till it all falls to shambles?

Been staring at the rickety cobwebbed ceiling for an hour now...

Or has it been a year? A decade?

Pretty sure I could map out all its undulations

And all its gore and dread.

Sitting up feels like a chore-

A losing war with my own self

A war I'm not willing to wage anyway

Cause it's all fruitless in the end.

There's a clock ticking somewhere

A fickle sound pounding horrendously against my eardrums

As they hiss into my conscience

Of the wretch that I have become.

Of the murderer that is me

Killing time-

Trying to escape the clutches of civility,

Reality...

Scrambling to outrun my mind

Playing my murders on loop for hours

On a sleek coloured screen

Highlighting the bloodsheds

The heartbreaks

The let downs.

Blood drips down my eyes;

No more tears to cry.

So I scream.

I scream and violently strain at the ropes-

Binding me to that bloody throne

Of my mind

Of thorns

Of hellfire.

I scream until my lungs collapse and fill with black putrid grease

I'm not sure my blood is red anymore.

But;

I break free.

I run without breath

Cause there's just no time-

I need to escape.

I feel the walls closing in on me,

Trying to squeeze me into their narrow confines

As I stumble and fall in the impenetrable darkness-

Tripping on human hands and human skulls

Of all those victims-

With their eerie wormy smiles,

Pulling me under.

I dig my nails into the soil

(Or is it just rotten flesh?)

As I feel a hundred hands wrapping around my body

Pulling me into the darkness-

Of expectations

Promises

And relationships

I've ruined

Cause I'm not enough,

Not deserving-

Not worthy...

Not worthy of love.

So,

I give in to the depths.

The clock keeps pounding.

My brain keeps whirring.

My corpse eyes stare

Into the ceiling.

Ignoring the far off diminishing screeches-

Till I flatline.

For a fraction,

I wish I didn't...give in.