Nostalgia

Blade in hand

I was in my bathroom again

Five minutes ago

Looked at it and I was taken back

Nostalgia 

More like a flashback

Nostalgia for me is not just the feeling of missing something 

Not just a remembrance of the past 

It’s reliving.. the past 

Nostalgia

Is a panic attack 

It’s a blade to the skin

It’s blood on the floor

It’s tissues in the sink

It’s a locked door

Nostalgia 

Is a clenched fist

Is a hand on my mouth

It’s a muffled scream

It’s also a feeling 

But not of sentimental longing for a period of the past 

It’s a feeling of walking backward, blindfolded 

And falling in the same bottomless pit of despair I once struggled my way out of.

Part two 

Of sitting on my bathroom floor with a blade in my hand

Part two is nostalgia too

But of the previous day

Part two is to cover myself red, all over

Leave marks which are warning signs and caution tapes,

Reading “Handle with care”.

They are marks on places that are sensitive.

They are rabbit holes leading YOU into MY nostalgia.

Alice, will you follow me into this wonderland?