My Fear Of Motherhood

I knew I loved my Baby, 

I knew I couldn't have asked enough, 

His tiny hands and feet,

His dark brown eyes, 

Skin soft like cotton 

And smile, Oh Jesus! 

Smile like the blossoming of a new bud. 

I knew he was the biggest gift God could ever bestow on me.

But,

Why was I feeling nausea each time I saw him?

Why did I feel frightened more than being elated by his birth?

Why couldn't I caress him like my husband did?

Why couldn't I give him the love I had in me for my tiny Baby?

What was it?

Why was I behaving so obnoxious with him? What was his fault?

Why? Didn't he deserve my love? 

Or, was it me at fault?

 Was it my baby blues that I was having?

 Was it my postpartum depression?

 Oh Jesus! Yes, I was at fault, 

 I was the one depriving my own self 

 From my Baby, my own blood!

 

 The fear of not being a good mother was always in me since I conceived.

 But,

 The depression after giving birth to him 

 Was so high

 That I couldn't give him

 The love he deserved!

  

But, this guilt,

Of not giving my baby

Enough love, care and pamper

Was more than my fear, depression and ancient.

My motherhood

Was way powerful 

Than any psychological disbalance 

In my body, my mind.

It daily took time, but I did recover, 

His smile when he saw me smiling

And his tears when he saw me distancing 

Made me believe that for him

I had to live, 

For him,

I had to start loving him,

But before that, 

I had to believe,

That I, I can be a good mother,

Of a strong child.

Today years later,

I can proudly say 

I am a great mother 

Raising a son who has all attributes 

Of a man.

My postpartum depression got me the best of times in the worst of times.