I'm Trying to Win

Self-harm and Depression!

 

There's no point in explaining myself

To the people who are close to me

Because the makes no sense to anyone

And there's hardly a soul to hear me out.

I've to stop overthinking,

Is something I've been told by everyone but,

Whenever I've asked them whether

It's something under my control or not,

They didn't bother to answer.

I try to spend some time with myself,

Struggling to express things,

But even before I can open up, 

I get blamed for everything.

I capture words within myself,

Because I'm not allowed to

Share my pain with others.

I know that one day I'll lose everyone, and

So it's better to not get attached at all.

I'm bearing, till the pain is poured-up

To the brim of my soul and then

I'm losing it drop by drop,

Letting out all of my memories,

Emotions and hopes.

I can hear conversations, arguments,

Blame games going on within me,

But I don't have the energy to shut-them-up,

Or even plea for peace,

Because I know that this is my reality,

And nothing can change it.

I'm drowning in an endless and

Deep ocean of self-doubt,

Believing that I'm worthless,

That I deserve all the disrespect and emptiness, and slowly learning the

Subjects of unloving and self ruin.

A wind of depression blows by,

Comes back and gets embedded as a,

Storm inside me- somewhere in the depth.

It's slowly travelling through my veins,

Trying to increase its territory.

I keep shedding tears,

Feel broken and shattered,

Tired and angry,

Pretending to smile when

I'm already damaged.

I'm getting deviated but,

I'm trying hard to come back,

I'm trying hard to end this pain,

I'm trying hard to win.

Deep within I'm exploring the truth

Because the lies I'm surrounded by,

Have left me nowhere.

I'm putting all my energy

To just let that pain help me

In growing better.

On some days,

I feel that I'm healing,

And on the other days,

I feel that-

I'm losing a lot of things and people,

With every passing day.

Yet, I'm trying to grow better

'Every second,'

I'm trying to struggle for survival,

I'm trying to win the war raging within

And,

Restore back the peace and happiness.