God Of Nothing

I lived in a world of fairytales,

I lived in the world uninhabited by pain. 

Innocent to the ways of the worlds

Naive in its cunning and trials,

I lived to the fullest,

In a way not known to me again.

Naive, untouched, unaccomplished and unheard,

I lived in my own world,

Giving trust, my love a must

Young in the ways of the world,

I flourished in a way I never could again.

Ignorance was bliss, they said.

And I happen to agree.

Not knowing the harshness of reality

I felt like I lived in a dream.

Finding true happiness in naivety,

This is how I was deemed

A happy child, full of big dreams.

But happiness isn't meant to last,

Especially not in front opening eyes,

To ignorance of the past.

Taking a step forward in life,

You see more and feel the littlest bit of contrite.

"This is my place in the world?"

"This is what I have to live through?"

"Is the world meant to be like this?"

"Is this all I will become?"

Such thoughts grow stronger each day,

And frankly, I always want them to stay.

In exchange of ignorance,

I give myself to knowledge,

It didn't come cheap,

It ran trauma in me,

That are so extremely deep.

Anxiety, apprehension, melancholy and pessimism,

Gripped me with their claws,

And refuse to be parted with the soul that resides inside,

But would I give what I know now?

What I understood of being?

Of understanding the world I have been living in.

No, never. I rather part with my soul than be an oblivious fool again.

So I grew up more, just that much more

Clumsy, awkward, hurt and full of answering rage.

I stomped on the hurt and let anger be my guide,

No one was in my corner, 

So I started a little revolt of mine.

Nothing was enough but 

Everything was choking with fullness,

So I did my protests to getaway 

From feeling such strong emotions of mine.

Rage was welcoming in its sourness,

It gave me courage,

It made me feel powerful and validated,

When I finally could confess all my dark secrets.

It didn't need many more steps,

When I came into myself,

Searching for my place in this world.

I let waves of life drag me by.

It was hard living without a motive,

It didn't quite suit my narrative.

Hopelessness, dejection, uninspired and lots of rejections.

I couldn't find who I was,

I just went with the way things were,

I was the God of nothing,

And I had nothing to confess. 

Nothing ever to expect.

Where was my passion,

Where was the inspiration,

Nothing stood a chance 

In this hollowness of emptiness.

I craved to feel accepted, 

I didn't want to feel neglected.

How do I carve a piece of myself,

In this ever-changing world?

It doesn't stay quite,

it doesn't stay still.

The world is running forward,

And I feel stuck in one place,

Never to learn, never too great.

So with life, 

And of love and everything in between

I came to a decision,

To finally be free,

Love isn't meant to last,

When passion and trust aren't preened.

So I give a try,

A try to my very being,

Am I meant to last?

Or forever be faded in the pages of history,

Who knows where my will,

Is going to take me.

But I won't be a husk of nothing,

I won't be erased from living.

So learn from this God of Nothing,

And be free, free of life,

Even when its clutched in your being.

Because it's not really seen,

When an empty being,

Is trying to live,

Live a life full of dreams.