Fighting Anxiety

I wake up, puddle of sweat.

I have nightmares and I get back into bed

It's like these voices just keep playing on repeat in the back of my head

And I can't keep them to leave me alone, sixteen years old but still hates being alone.

Because that's when the voices get the loudest.

Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest.

But these demons keep pressing me, I swear to the fullest.

But I've grown comfortable with their presence, my conscious.

My dreams are their playground, my thoughts are their palace.

I've tried to evict them they returned with more.

Anxiety isn't an item you can return at the store.

I was ten the first time I had this feeling.

Like a punch to the stomach there is no planning for that.

And I didn't tell anyone because I was too afraid about what they'd say.

And I know deep down there was nothing they could do to take it away.

I remember that house I grew up in and how these demons would rattle that place

I'd lay awake at night staring at the ceiling.

I've spend my life trying to run from that feeling.

That feeling of being lonely, that feeling of being lost, when the lights turn off

That feeing of being depressed, that feeling of being anxious. 

That feeling of screaming to God begging him to take this.

Only to get silence in return.

I'd lay in that bed crying and I toss and turn and I turn and toss till the day.

The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray.

I tried both and this anxiety still hasn't gone away.

So forgive me if I fantasize of being gone today.

But when I turn off I go right back into the shadows.

I'm at the deep end now but I started in the shallows.

And I might just drown myself in these waves.

So burn me in hell, these homes are all graves.

Everyone is coping with something but won't admit that they are all too afraid. 

And these kids are glued to watching me, what do I say.

If I'm honest with them, maybe they won't think highly of me.

Everything they want me to be is what I'm dying to be.

I want them to know they are not alone in their struggles.

I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in these puddles.

And I don't think I'll ever get out of this valley.

I'm terrified that all along God is telling my sins.

I can't get out of bed, I was never meant to act like this.

I'm packing up my bags and he can't stop me from running fast like this.

I'm not gonna be a slave to these voices of anxiety.

I'm showing the devil back for every time that he lied to me.

And I'm taking a belt to this demoness who whisper to spear my ear.

And I'm ignoring every nay-sayer who stands and stares when I'm near.

I'm moving forward out of this slum.

I took my bruises I took my lumps.

I felt down but I got right back up 

So give me a torch and light that up.

I'm sending fire to the devil and I'm dousing these demons in gasoline.

Look at you now, Now you're not laughing at me.

Now who's the one being tortured and plunked.

Now who's the one watching the other burn to the ground. 

Don't look away from me, you better turn your back and I'm stalking you too.

I was lost then but I got found like that.

Everything you told me I was not, Someone new told me I was.

And everything you hated in me Someone new told me he loved.

And when you tried to kill me with depression and anxiety, he reached in and placed hope deep inside of me.

So I'm done listening to you and let you control me.

I'm announcing now that the devil can't hold me.

I'm walking away from the old me, and I'm demanding a refund on every lie that you told me.

You know I would find a way out sooner or later.

And I found my escape in the form of a saviour.