Was It Love Or No Love?

In life, we often live in hope that someday, somehow things will change. What we didn't get all these years, we might get it now. Be it love, money, luxury, appreciation, fame or anything. I am sure even you might have longed for something. And as the saying goes, 'Where there is a will, there's a way.'

Most of the times first love remains as a good memory, as we all are not lucky to have it as a lifetime opportunity. But first love is difficult to forget. After all, it was your first love, so how can it be easy to forget? Some may even give up saying I am not lucky to get love. Some may say love is just an illusion, not reality. But there is definitely a few who think maybe this time they may find someone who will last for life.

In my journey of life, after a failed love story I too was very much unsure. At times I would think maybe love line is not on my palm. Maybe I am not good enough to be loved. Or maybe I am not destined to have a love marriage.

Thoughts were many, situations also were such that though I didn't have any lover in my life I could hear a lot of stories on breakup. Some dealt with betrayal, others were blind for lust, some very scary situations and thank God some were courageous to walk out. Love as I strongly believed in I never wanted to speak badly about it. Love is a beautiful relationship between a couple. True love will never hurt anyone nor bring any disgrace, provided you know exactly what love means. Many times we take things for granted, even people for that matter. Love helps in understanding a person. It's a more of mutual understanding. But yes, as the fact goes some have made a mockery of it. Some keep changing girlfriends as if they are changing their wardrobe while for others it's like when I am getting a chance why leave it. 

I kept moving ahead in life but never found a special person who would touch my heart. A person who I could say is the right one for me or who could win my love. I never wanted a temporary relationship but a permanent pure love relationship. I thought now it's too late. I am not gonna have that special person entering my life. So I gave in, for an arranged marriage of course. Many parents still believe that arranged marriage is good. And they have their own reasons for it. And if I wanted the other way I knew it wouldn't be so easy.

And touch wood, if something went wrong then throughout life I knew what I would have to face. So I decided to give in. Was not very happy with my decision, but as you start aging and feel you should not be a reason for pain I decided to go ahead. I gave my nod to my parents and asked them to choose whomever they want. And all that I don't like much began happening. People came, saw and went. It was as if a dress or some jewelry was kept for display. Sometimes, the answer was yes but after some discussion, it would be no. Or sometimes it would be we'll tell later and no sign ever. Finally, a proposal was in, and everyone was ok with it. The pleasant talks seemed everything would work decently.

I heard some friends saying you can fall in love even after marriage. In fact, some strongly believe that love after marriage is actually true love. So I thought the same was with me. Everything was placed so very beautiful that I got carried away. I took up my responsibility and did every bit he would say. His talks were philosophy, showed immense maturity that sometimes I would wonder if I was the right choice for him. The way he spoke to everyone, with respect and care, respecting young to old and true God-fearing person.

Most of the times when I spoke to him, he spoke as if he knew what I mean. He said he believed in me and what's important now a days is not doubting unnecessarily. So I am very much impressed. Deep in my mind, I decided I would never give anyone the reason for pain. I used to wonder every day, how much I would miss my family. Most of my life, my family has been my priority. I have been cared upon so much that I never wanted to be away from home. But now I was in a fix. One side was the person with whom I have to go ahead and on the other my family. I made it clear unto him that my family will always be my first priority. As at times you are asked not to go to your maternal home often.

Marriage date was fixed. Preparation had not yet begun, but shortlisting was done. Some of the things I had taken responsibility of, I had begun preparing. A girls marriage really is a lot of tension. So much of preparation, adjustment, satisfaction and the list goes on endless. And in all this, I felt my heart going soft for him. I think I am in love with him. Or maybe not. Maybe I am daydreaming. But I don't want to say anything in the beginning. The way he behaves I think he is also falling in for me. Oh God, don't tell me that this is gonna be arranged cum love relationship. I decided not to show my feelings for him. I wanted to give him a chance to express his feelings. I decided to wait. Wait and see how he would propose to me.

One day as we were heading towards home he stopped on the way. I thought he wants to buy something so I was surfing through my phone. Suddenly my eyes caught up with beautiful red roses held towards me. I was so shocked. Never expected it this way. Then he proposed to me and obviously my answer was 'Yes'. He would call me by my nickname. Everything seemed like a love story or perhaps a beautiful movie. A very unexpected but interesting love story. I liked the way he was trying to make changes for me, though he never asked me how I would like it.

I know sometimes people have their own way. They think whatever they do is the best and the other person will definitely like it. I was ok with it. Cause some don't even bother to do a small thing that would please you. He said some things would be a surprise and I will get to see it later. My beautiful new love story was sailing smoothly. No storms, no strong winds- just calm and enduring. Our shopping, preparation everything began. Days were just flying. And the most awaited day seeped in. Our special day, our wedding day. A day where everyone's eye is fixed on you. But you are in the mood of celebration. When the day started and when it end seemed to be a mystery which still can't be solved.

A new dawn, a start of new life, a married life. I woke up still unaware of how my new life is gonna be. I heard everything changes, and it depends on the people who are with you now. There was nothing special, just an ordinary day. It was a normal routine. I didn't want to say or show my feelings, so I preferred to keep quiet. I was observing everything, everyone. I thought unto myself, "I am here because of my husband. Why should I pay attention to the other members? I'll rather adjust as I love my husband." He was good, tried to make me feel comfortable. He asked me what I wanted, tried to make things comfortable for me. What I liked the best was the big teddy bear he bought for me and the small garden he made for me. I love plants a lot. Specially.... flowering plants. But to speak the truth it's not so easy to suddenly move to a new place.

Everything was so fast, days were just passing. Lot of things happening around keeping me on my toes. Soon the day approached when he had to leave, join back to his company. Family members came to visit him and I had to be strong so that he may not feel low. He went and then life changed. The full environment wasn't like before. I felt uncomfortable, out of place. Situations were such that I moved back home. I didn't want to disclose anything as I knew that none would believe. It is said, 'You don't light a candle and cover it, as the purpose of light is to spread brightness. The same way truth cannot be hidden, it definitely prevails.' And so was the hard truth. What I thought was love was just a fake liking. There was actually no love. All those talks were just mere talks to impress me and my family. The actual purpose to marry me was to get money, property, asset, and fame. A reason to say I got married to this particular girl.

Sometimes, there are talks on what you want or do you have any demands the answer is a casual no. And it's because they don't want to reveal their true image. It's like saying nothing, nothing but actually wanting everything. And when I realised it then false blame was put on me. I was tried to prove characterless. What a mental torture I have been through. Though that relation ended but I have borne the punishment only because I am a girl. A girl has no respect in society. It's a hard fact. A girl is a source of disgrace. No matter how much you do, what you go through, you are suffering because it's your mistake. This is what was said about me. I was made to believe that I am paying for my sins.

At times the harsh words said unto me still keep revolving in your mind. This world is so very unjust. The person who is at fault is not punished but the one who is innocent has to pay for everything. It's no point digging into your wounds as you will feel the pain. So I left it behind as what is past has to be left behind. I won't say that what I went through God should not have let it happen to me, as I have learnt a lot from it. I have seen people's true colours. I have learnt the true difference between real love and fake love.

I have become a better person. A stronger person. I have survived alone in difficult times and only my family was with me. I didn't choose an easy way to run away from what happened, rather I faced it. That too because God's grace was upon me. I know things can't be undone but definitely God must have thought something good for me. So my only advice to one and all is if you get a life partner who truly loves you then handle your love relationship with care. Only lucky and blessed ones get love as a gift of God.

Don't believe what others say but take time and analyse. Don't ever let someone play with your feelings or through you hurt your loved ones. And don't give up on life, life is a precious gift of God utilise it for doing something good. My love life is over. Or I should say it was never love. But what will never change for me is that I still believe that love is a beautiful relationship. The purest relationship, without a bargain. A selfless, enduring, power so strong. What ends cannot be true love, as true love never ends.