Unanswered Questions

Anshula bought a pretty dress in shades of blue; she matched it with the right accessories. Having sent out e-invites to all her family and friends, Anshula could not wait to have her mother and her maternal aunt attend the much awaited graduation party. Two years ago, Anshula reluctantly left for her masters to the USA. For over two decades, Anshula had lived with her mother in their tiny apartment – she had hardly ventured out on her own except for a few quick trips with friends occasionally. Straight away when it was USA that she had to travel to for studies, as much as was overjoyed that she got a seat in a prestigious University of her choice, Anshula experienced intense pain leaving her mother behind.

When Anshula was only ten, she lost her father. She lost him to unknown reasons and untold truths. Although the mother-daughter moved out immediately after his sudden demise, Anshula’s mother never sold their old house. Once in a while, bearing the excruciatingly painful moments, they both would go to their old home and look for answers. None of the efforts bore fruit. Years of relentless questioning of faith, almighty, destiny et all, yet they were both but left with only a million assumptions. They could never comprehend why Anshula’s father took away his own life.

Anshula and her mother became uncontrollably emotional reminiscing how Anshula’s dad always wanted to see his darling daughter fly high in life and succeed. They madly missed him at the graduation ceremony. They could only hope against hope that he watching them from somewhere above.

“Did he have a health problem that he did not courageously share with the family?” “Did he fear the potential whopping expenses? Did he fear he wouldn’t be able to sustain the pain brought alongside the illness?”

Anshula’s mother knew everything about her husband’s medical condition until about six months prior to death. Even the reports post the death did not suggest anything worth probing. In any case, no matter how deadly and dangerous the disease could have been, she knew her husband shared a beautiful bond with the family. So much so, talking about health issues wouldn’t have been hard at all!

 “Was he internally depressed due to work or about future?”

Anshula’s father was a happy and a friendly man, who sported a radiant smile at every person he met. Considering he was content and optimistic, he couldn’t have worried about inconsequential things or say, distant complicated future events. At his work too, except for rare circumstances when he did work over time, he maintained an envious balance between work and family.

Nevertheless, prior to his shocking death, three to four months of restlessness commute and disturbingly prolonged office work never escaped Anshula’s mother’s notice. Before she could do anything about it, she had lost her soul mate, the wonderful father of her daughter, the most loving son who showered affection on both their parents. When Anshula’s mother spoke to her husband’s friends and office mates, none of them revealed anything substantial, although, they emphasized that he looked tensed on some days. None agreed with demands at work/business/health as a possible cause of his mental sickness.

When Anshula lost her dad forever, she and her mother had become each other’s source of solace and reason for living. She could fathom that the loss became increasingly devastating with each passing day. Anshula missed him at her play area, she wept helplessly to come back to a home devoid of her father’s voice, steps and humor. Even as she grew up, maturity did not seem to make things even slightly better for her since she succumbed to a great emotional turmoil when she saw her friends and rest of the family spend fantastic times with the fathers. Anshula’s mother gave her all and became the father and the mother to Anshula.

Anshula had seen her mother endure an endless ordeal; Anshula’s mother’s life became an empty spot. On many days, she lost control of her own sanity and blamed herself for not being there for her husband. She would even go on to hurt herself saying, she was responsible for taking away Anshula’s happiness with the father. This was not one bit true; nonetheless personal loss of such an enormous degree does crazy things to you. As time passed and partially healed the wounds, with the blessings and support of her parents, sister and God, Anshula’s mother regained the spirit. She found a strong purpose in Anshula and took charge of everything like before.

Anshula and her mother had a very profound journey together. Time and again, they tried with all sincerity to seek answers in their old home. They wanted to know why Anshula’s dad had chosen to take his own life without even giving away a hint to his closet ones. The endeavors was all in vain. They had lost him to unknown reasons and untold truths.

We all speak about physical ailments as if they are as ordinary as ordinary can be; but, mental and emotional health is still such a taboo. Forget society, it is a taboo in our own minds and hearts. Why?

Why do we refrain from openly sharing our low-points in life and sensitive spots? Not even with the loved ones?

Why do we fail to recognize if someone around us is going through hard times as easily and efficiently as we can identify physical problems?

If only Anshula’s father had been a little more patient and included his beloved wife and kid into his sphere! If only Anshula’s mother had an inkling about her husband’s deteriorating condition! Well, we are no one to judge and conclude about what happened, if it was the only right thing or even absolutely wrong. Life is indeed about ifs and buts. What we do in the middle of it all matters the most. It is important to feel open, brave and positive and not lose ourselves in the process.

On the graduation day, Anshula’s mother gifted an old doll that her husband had specially made for the little one before she was even born. Anshula, teary-eyed, held the doll close to her bosom and embraced her mother affectionately. Anshula’s aunt clicked the most natural family moment.