The Torn String

The Torn String

18 mins
286


The Torn String of An Underrated Life

“KYU AAJKAL NEEND KAM KHWAAB JYADA HAI/LAGTA KHUDA KA KOI NEK IRADA HAI…” was pleasing to my ears but suddenly he turned off the switch of music system. I turned to look at him curiously, but couldn't as the crumbled egg was frying, & the flame was high.

Summer mornings are too tiring, when the sunbeams flash upon my face directly as the oven is frontward down the rising sun.

I swiped off the dews of perspiration from my face, tucking the knot of my share in my waist.

He shirked, “Rohini, hurry up! I’m going to be late for such of your indolent gesture!”

I screamed, “Coming!” as I just put the egg crumbles in a plate & take out the breads from micro oven putting the sticky layers of his favorite pineapple jam on it. Still my mind was stuck to the song I’ve left long in my life.

I served him on the dining table & he finished it gobbling no sooner. He finished it without making any complaints or praising, as if he was in a rush for his office & gobbling his papers instead of breads. My thoughts dragged the flashback of my college days, I used to tease him whenever he ate fast. Now, I stand beside him until he completes his food just like an appointee, no chills, no joke!

He stood up, washed his hands rapidly chewing the rest part of the bread piece & went off carrying the gigantic bag I prepare for him every day. He landed a small kiss on my forehead before stepping out the door of apartment. I couldn’t even get the time of making a face, whether expressing my love for him or a little grief of his long gap of 10 hours in existence.

I pulled up my hand to weave a goodbye, but he already vanished without turning back to see my reaction! On the very first year of our marriage, he used to cling to the door making thousands of excuses to cancel his office, & I used to push him laughing out seeing his caricatures. Now, everything seems to have loosen its charm, slowly turning pale & bland, & moreover life has been a never-ending parallel line in creating new problems. I shouldn’t forget swift changes result havoc!

I felt somehow, I was getting mundane day by day, becoming a ragged cloth tightly tucked on a flow point of a misbehaved shower to prevent it from overflowing & somewhat I was stretching my life just like this.

Some heartfelt needs, primary desires to get love in return by your spouse have been a tiny need to him. He channelized my wishes to a list of juvenile cravings.

Our native aunty always cross checks everything as if she takes us under the surveillance of her CCTV eyes.

One day she came leisurely, poking into our issues, when Rahul was busy swiping up the pages of the daily, sipping his morning coffee with a holiday mood.

She asked, “Beta Rahul, I may seem like an outsider. But it has been one & a half year of your marriage, don’t you think you two should conceive now?” curving her eyebrows quite like a villain, working as fuel or, a catalyst in a spark!

He felt embarrassed so as me, I smiled forcefully biting my lips with a bunch of awkwardness bangled in my mind for each of her words.

I sometimes feel so lonely, so broken as if I have left a lot sacrificing my life intentionally & can’t take back anything now. Travelling through the small alleys of unknown territories, I have always figured out myself wrong when I got a handful of blister & failure in return.

One of them were leaving my job after our marriage…

The evening when it was raining cats & dogs, and we were wrapped in each other’s arms inside the locked room soaking each other’s perfume after a passionate love-making, & I was resting my head on his chest, keeping my head full of clumsiness aside, he played his best trick trapping me in his emotional oath. He kissed tenderly on my fingers, I felt the current ran through my spine & totally got engulfed in his love.

He whispered to my ears, “Promise me one thing now. It’s actually not a promise, I want you specially to give this thing to me!”

I felt havoc tickling in my skin, still managed to reply, “What’s that darling? If you say, I will risk my life for you!”, I smilingly threw a cheesy line on him, & winked blushing.

He laughed out, & then clutched my hands tightly with a little bit of tranquil eyes & a gormless face, “You have to resign from your job after our marriage Rohini! Please promise me.”

Suddenly it turned off my mood, we were lying naked, but it eradicated a part of my happy soul no sooner, still with the rest of that I managed to hang a tiny smile & said, “Okay, I will leave it.”

He hugged me tightly, as if he owned a long-desired treaty at last & kissed me on my forehead, “I’m proud of my baby! Love you so much.”

A long pause…

For some minutes.

Probably I wasn't able then to foresee the upcoming storm of my life, or the soil I was trying to clutch with my all had no strong base & could easily be a prey of calamity.

Now, I brew the puffs of regret for taking that oath out of my emotional weakness. I regret to rot here alone in this home, I regret for getting trapped in return of showering love & now, I regret for getting married.

“AJEEB DASTAN HAI YEH, KAHA SURU KAHA KHATAM…” I can’t explain in words how much I loved this song from the core of my heart as if it plants the saplings of solace in my mind, carefully nurtures it until my mind feedbacks in growing flowers; anyways I wonder if such poetic thoughts only hit my mind or relatable for every time.

I was drifted from my monotonous life dramas & lying closed eyes with a soft smile in my face; when suddenly he came hurriedly & started shouting out my name.

I got surprised with this sudden shootout & switched off the music system.

He was blazing in anger, & busted out saying, “What do you do all day? Why are you so out of your mind? Man, I’ve had to face a lot for your irresponsibility today. Such a jobless mind you are turning into!”. He went off.

I couldn't even get a chance to explain where I did my fault. Do I work in his office? Was it my work to arrange his files all the time? Wasn’t it his responsibility to mention me his needs a night ago.

I stood stitching my lips for some minutes, my eyes couldn't schlep the unwanted burden anymore, so started dripping profusely. I felt like smashing everything that was in front of my eyesight. I assumed I was fully imprisoned in this abyss of sheer massacre, massacre of an unrequited life.

Now, I too started feeling if I had my own son or a daughter, I could easily spend time listening their childish blubbers, at least annihilation wouldn't gulp up my mind this ravishingly.

An awful silence gheraoed me & I fell in an utter desolation. I started seeing the sky bland, nebulous & the trees felt losing its charm slowly, consuming grey shades from here & there; now whom to share my pain, my utmost anguish & the scars of loneliness?

Somehow my words reverted colliding with the walls, still they signaled some improper signs mentioning “None” in answer!

The room filled with terrific reverberation of “none” no sooner, my ears started painting & I closed it tightly.

This cacophonous chorus made an embodiment of endless gloom.

Days passed after that.

I don’t listen to the songs anymore now.

I remain like an unheard song of a long off-tracked lyrics.

I still recall those redolent days when I used to nurture my dalliance with my singing talents & people used to shower applauds listening to my mellifluous tone. Yes, I do feel proud of these days till now, & take pride of my voice!

Now, it has been an age I last stepped my feet to a stage. I think how it will be like returning to those golden eras of my college life, no worries, no stress & no uneasiness in new trials of some hidden adventures. I still remember how my peers loved my voice & cherished their boring addas spicy with a two-liners of my song. We used to bunk a lot of lectures just to intake a lot of rejuvenation in a short recess. I remembered when out of everyone, Rahul proposed me gifting a series of cassettes of my top charted songs.

The day when we stole our first kiss at the top of our college terrace, even the background music embellished the ambiance humming, “HUM TUMHARE HAIN TUMHARE SANAM” & we both laughed with my awkward murmurs of those enchanted lyrics.

I used to notice some real love, real passion in his eyes back then. Now, everything is blank, utterly blank, only silence exists now, & he doesn’t even request me to sing 2 or 4 lines of a song. I’ve turned into a spice-less, unexciting lady to him, not anymore, the lady-love he used to adore once.

Suddenly I remembered his birthday was soon to be placed just after 3 weeks. I’d been feeling a lot nowadays, staring a lot to the blue skies & remaining lost in my chasm. Nevertheless, I felt the same excitement every time, after all it’s his birthday. Countdowns had started already in my head for his birthday bash. Last year, he stayed outside due to his office work, but this year I would make sure to make him fall in love with me again.

His thoughts brought a wider smile to my face & resurrected my zeal back. I started twisting & turning in bed & couldn’t let my heavy-lidded eyes closed for a moment.

I turned to him to check only if he was awake or not, & saw his tiredness left him sleeping like a baby. My mind covered with peace witnessing his Alpen glow.

I started planning for his day. I left no way undone to think & rethink how I would decorate him with all the happiness he wanted from me & I couldn’t be able to satisfy him. Somehow, I surmised myself responsible for the distance between us.

I took a pledge to again make our bond stronger than anything!

A deep breath of relief, a fist full of hope & a mind determined to be showered in love...this was me in this alarming moment!

I was guessing a lot when suddenly a thought clicked on my mind & I paused there. As he used to love my voice & wanted me to sing for him, I thought of recording some of my own-written songs to his birthday & gifting it to him.

I searched in google for the list of some quality recording studios in Kolkata. I scrolled the list, but not a single studio seemed to attract my mind. I still tried hard to find more & suddenly I found a good one in 1 hour from our apartment.

The name mentioned, “Singers’ Abode Recording Studio”. Their gallery looked promising with some awesome equipment’s for singers, & moreover, their rate per hour was convenient enough for an unemployed fellow like me!

I clicked on their “Contact” section & saved their number. No sooner I called them & cleared my confusion about everything. I proposed them for an appointment & settled a date on 6th June, next Friday.

I felt a strange refreshment after a long, as if the petrichor after a long rain soothed my mind with the rainbows colored the canvas of my life suddenly. I was super-excited to join them for a collaboration, keeping it in mind to let this unrevealed to him until his birthday would arrive.

One week passed like a speedy train, suppressing a dozen of buried glooms in the graveyard to heart.

I waited excitedly & reached their studio by 12 p.m. on Friday.

Eye-washing Rahul was a tough thing, as he curled his eyebrows watching my overwhelmed behave. I was giggling personally seeing him curious. It seemed like he was still interested to know me.

I showed them the lyrics & music I prepared,

the lyrics mentioned like,

“Jab Nazre Jhuki Teri Parchai Nazar Ayi/ Jab Ankhein Neend Se Dhalti hui, Teri Khawabon me Sukoon Ayi/ /Ishara Ho Tujhe Panne Ki, To Kosis Ne Bhi Junoon Dikhayi/ Aise Toh Tere Pyar Me Chiraag Hi Aisi Hai, Mujhe Jalne Me Bhi Nasha Nazar ayi”.

First time I prepared something pouring all my hearts,

Thunderbolts yapping in my mind when desires oozed like rain & I put my soul to record the song as beautifully as I could. I was sublimed with some tunes wrapping me in the sugary coat of endless love.

I stopped, song completed, I breathlessly sang this in 2 minutes 47 seconds. I opened my eyes, no sooner their clippings echoed from every corner of the recording hall.

Sujay patted on my shoulder saying, “You’re not only an awesome singer, but a hidden star we wanted for so many days, how can I payback your help for finding a diamond here!”

Interrupting him, I replied overjoyed, “I am privileged to work with you all here. Thank you so much for appreciating my talent!”

Sujay smiled & approached me, “If you don’t mind Rohini, can you join me for a personal discussion in another room for an hour now? Of course, if you have time in your hand then please. Otherwise we can elaborately carry on our conversation other day.”

I was a little bit embarrassed or kind of in confusion regarding this, but still managed to reply, “I have no problem with it. Let’s discuss!”

He doubled checked, “Are you sure?”

I promptly threw an “Yes” to him with a tiny smile!

We two shifted on a different room, it was beautifully crafted with some awestruck furniture, some upgraded machinery things, photo frames & posters hung & glued respectively to the walls, elevating the beauty of this room.

I got covered with ecstasy witnessing so many glees in a day, it revived my dead senses somehow.

He started, “So, I hope you had an amazing recording time with us. Oops, I forgot to offer you a coffee! Pardon me!” & was going to call the tea boy but I swiftly forbade him to call here.

I told him, “I don’t need coffee. Please feel home with me.”

He gave me a smile tinged with the shades of satisfaction & told me, “The things I am going to reveal to you now, please listen to them carefully. Uhhhh...have you worked with some recording companies before us?”

My heart started throbbing fast & replied, “A long ago.”

He initiated, “Would you like to work with us as your debut for a film?”

Words aren’t enough to showcase my feelings I felt instantly. I was going to faint soon, felt a strange euphoria running through my skin, I shivered in goosebumps after hearing a proposal I long yearned to listen, but had to enfold it locked in my heart.

Sujay made my day, I was still in reverie when he nipped his fingers in front of me, “Why are you in so much of thinking world, miss? May I have your attention now?” He laughed out.

I didn’t need to think twice & I promptly said, “I would love to work with you. You don’t know how you just removed a burden from my heart, I am too overwhelmed to express now. Thank you so much for this offer!”

He replied, “Hope you’re free to grab this sooner.”

I exclaimed, “Of course!”

They bade me a goodbye after clearing the deals & promised me to give my CD after 10 days.

While coming back home, I still was quivering in the utter shock of this surprise, I booked a cab & my mind was left still there. At last my dream was going to be true as a playback singer. Still, a hurdle was lying there, what if Rahul wouldn’t encourage me, if he would start shouting out loud & create a problem, these thoughts disturbed me a little bit.

I reached home at evening, making the dinner for us, I made his favorite dishes specially putting my extra love at the toppings of his favorite dessert. I made a coffee for me, took the magazine from the tea table & started reading it in a free mind resting my body against our black couch.

Suddenly a picture of us making love & sleeping embraced here popped up on my mind. That day when we were drenched in the droplets of love rain during our newly married days.

I blushed thinking such.

A soft squeak of calling bell lingered to my ears, I opened the door & saw an exhausted Rahul standing behind the door. He returned 2 hours earlier.

I asked him the reason of coming faster but he didn’t think of paying heed to my words & went straight towards our bedroom.

He took a shower & told me to serve our food.

I was in a happy mood but his strange behavior on hurrying in things confused me.

I served & he happily said, “Amazing. Why don’t you always make such delicious food? I am in love with them darling!”

After so many days, I listened “darling” from him.

I was utterly flabbergasted. I couldn’t help myself kissing him on his cheeks. He kissed back happily.

That day, I slept peacefully, after so many insomniac nights, I got so many reasons to sleep. Yes, I slept with solace in heart, love in my soul!

2 weeks left, I got my recorded CD in my hand, finalized the debut deal with them for their upcoming project, & finally a day before his birthday arrived.

I was super busy arranging the best surprise ever for him. Booked his favorite black forest cake from a renowned cake-shop here, booked fresh flowers, some candles to be arrived today in evening & some important home-decorative stuffs to perfectly decorate his tomorrow evening.

I made sure he didn’t come to know about my preparation at any cost.

We had a happy conversation about our daily life regarding his office work & his colleagues & my shopping, household works in dinner time.

Suddenly I put the topic in front of him, “Please take a half - day tomorrow. I have something to show you.”

He curled his eyebrow, gobbling the piece of paratha, “Why? Any occasion? Is it your friend’s birthday or something else?”

“You’ll get to see everything soon, love!” I winked.

He smiled.

Finally, it was his birthday, I wished him sharply at 12:00 a.m., he was overwhelmed & everything was going fine.

I woke up early at 6 a.m. today. I knew I would have to manage everything within 6 p.m. today. I palpitated a lot though I sent him to the office at 10 a.m. & reminded to come back early in evening.

I prepared everything in between. Decorated our drawing room with the tiny tuni lights, spreading the petals of rose here & there, adorning the dining table with white silky cover & a bottle of champagne paired up with his favorite black forest cake & two wine glasses.

I kept the surprise CD wrapping in a cellophane paper on the tea table.

The clock struck at 5pm. & I went to get dressed hurriedly. I wore a black saree recently bought for this occasion, putting the necklace he gifted me once, with a pair of dazzling earrings.

I tried to look my best.

My heart was skipping its beats, I could count the rate clearly.

At last he came back, I turned on the music system playing, “TUJHME RAB DIKHTA HAI” ...Astonished seeing such surprises, he hugged me tightly saying, “I’m proud to have you in life, wifey!”.

I gladly smiled, “Anything for your smile!”

He told me to wait for 15 minutes to see him come back getting ready.

He again got surprised seeing his new suit perfectly ironed on his bed, he came back getting ready & he was no way looking less than a prince.

We were enjoying our evening, when I thought of unrevealing the last surprise for him, he was kissing my ears taking me in his arms. Suddenly I prevented him, & turned to look at his eyes, saying, “Rahul, I need to let you know about a big thing!”

He replied, “Still left? You’ve already done so many things today. I guess, I am flying high now. Love you!”

I interrupted smilingly, “Please let me reveal you this. I hope you’ll love it from the core of your heart.”

I took his hand in my fist, and at last revealed, “I wanted to tell you this from so long. But, as your birthday was near, I thought of telling you now.” I stood up, took the wrapped gift & came back to him, “I want you to open this up now.”

He opened up & got a bit curious seeing a CD where outlet featured my picture.

I completed the rest, “I got to the ‘Singers’ Abode Recording Studio’ where I specially recorded a song written for you….”

He gave a tiny smile saying, “This is a great thing, Rohini”.

It seemed like he wasn’t that happy now.

Still I continued & reached to the end, “The owner of this studio is linked with the film industry. His name is Sujay Roy. He is an amazing human being, I tell you. You know what he has already signed me in his upcoming film project as a debuting playback singer! I was so happy when I received this news. Isn’t it so amazing?”

He stood up, enraged, looking at me like a curse, threw the CD, exploded saying, “How many times I’ve told you not to sing, not to sing & you every time disappoint me, lady! Still I compromised with you today seeing your happiness & passion in it. But it has extended to extremity, you fucking signed a contract for a film, even never cared to tell me a bit! I am feeling like a jobless outsider here in my home, lady! I never expected something from you, really you let me down today. Go to hell. I’m not going to talk to someone like you anymore.”

He exclaimed his anger like a superfast train.

I shattered, shattered like a wrinkled leaf touching the soil of earth.

Tears left no way flooding me from inside & out.

I stayed there all night in our enlighten drawing room, carrying the pieces of that broken CD, two glasses were filled with the fresh Champagne still, I stayed there with my black saree.

Perhaps he slept, but I couldn’t close my eyes for a moment.

I thought a lot through my travelling vision, at last I decided to quit, to quit this dead life of constant hibernating mode.

I wrote a letter,

“Rahul,

I’m sorry for not being the ideal wife you wanted, I’m sorry for never standing on your hope, I’m sorry for always letting you down. But, you know what I’m the saddest of all, saddest of never getting a chance to chase my dreams, & saddest for always trying to love you pouring my all, & remaining unloved, misunderstood in return.

Last but not the least, I won’t hurt you anymore, let’s stay in peace & find it whoever can give you except me. Leaving home today. All the best for future. Don’t ever try to find me. Love you.

Rohini.”

I saw my tears moistened the paper, my hand trembled while placing it on the table beside the lamp. He slept in peace. I placed a kiss on his forehead softly so that it wouldn’t disturb him.

I took my purse, with an amount of 10000/- I saved for rough use.

I left his home, I left all the memories behind,

This time I needed badly to start my own journey, where I could be recognized as a different name, as a SINGER.

I left the home with my unrevealed pain & some untold emotions playing repeatedly on my head, “TUJHE BHULA DIYA.PHIR KYU TERI YAADON ME MUJHE RULA DIYA”.


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