The Suicide

Lisa’s Story

“Hey did you hear the news?” Lata was sounding extremely nervous while speaking the words.

“No, what news?” I asked.

“Julie has committed suicide.”

“What? Are you kidding me? I just spoke to her last week. She was sounding so happy. She had got a new job in Canada right?”

“Yes, and that’s what was the cause of her death I guess. No one knows what happened actually. I am going to the crematorium. Are you coming?”

“Of course, I am coming”.

I could not digest the news. How could this happen? Julie was such a bubbly girl. She was my office colleague and much junior to me. I was her mentor. She used to always greet me with a broad smile. Can’t believe that smile is gone forever. But what made her take this drastic decision? I must find out. With hundreds of thoughts in my mind I reached the cremation hall. Her body was packed with white dress with only face being visible. It looked like she was sleeping peacefully and anytime she would get up from there and come and hug me. I could not hold my tears.

After controlling myself a bit I looked around. Ganesh was looking after all the formalities. Ganesh and Julie were both my mentees. They used to work together in same team. Julie’s dad was sitting near the priest. Performing some rituals. I looked at him carefully. He had no tears in his eyes. He looked very firm as if angry at what her daughter had done. I could not expect such a reaction from a father. I tried to search for her mom. She did not know anyone around as they had flown down to our city hearing the news. She was thanking people near her for coming. Surprisingly I did not see tears in her eyes too. I saw bit of sadness and a lot of shame. How can a mother be so calm and composed after losing her 25 year old beautiful daughter? I could not believe my own eyes. Somehow I attended the ceremony and came back home. It was a very uncomfortable one.

In office people started spreading different gossips around the death. The most common belief was she was having an affair with a senior manager. This manager had arranged for her transfer to Canada office because he was also planning to shift to Canada. Something must have gone wrong between them because of which she took the step. I knew she was close to the senior manager but I could not believe in this explanation. Somehow I did not want to believe this.

2 days later when I was having my lunch Ganesh came and sat next to me with his plate. Slowly he started.

“Are you hearing the rumours around Julie’s death?”

“Oh yes, and I think everything is rubbish.”

“Yes, I also think its rubbish. You know she had a boyfriend from college. He had come down during the funeral. He was standing outside the crematorium all along. I think they had some fight between them for some reason which made her take this drastic step.”

I heard what Ganesh said but it was hard for me to believe it too. She was too strong to succumb to mere fights. Her whole life was there in front of her. She was so intelligent and loved by all in the office. It was very difficult to digest any explanation. I kept thinking what the reason could be.

Is there some way I could really find out the truth? My mind was not coming to a rest. I walked up to my desk half dazed. There was a phone call from the mail room. “There is a letter for you.”

A letter? Who writes letter in these days of email? I went to the mail room to receive the letter. The handwriting on top seemed very familiar.

I opened the letter with trembling hands.

“Dear Lisa,

When you will be reading this letter I would be long gone. Please forgive me if you can for my cowardice. But I could not bear it anymore. I know you would be shocked. I have always looked at you as my elder sister. You have always shown me the right path whenever I was lost. But this part of my life is something I could not share with you too. Yes, I am too ashamed to talk about this. But today I will write everything. I want to write my true feelings before I die.

I hate my brother. I hate my father. I hate my mother.

Yes, you heard it right. I hate all of them. And they hate me too. They hate me because I am not such a superstar like my brother. You know my brother is a very successful businessman. He has been featured in best 30 and under 30 in India ranking. He was always very talented right from the childhood. He used to be the class topper, a champion at sports and a charming boy loved by everyone. I was just an average. My parents were as proud of my brother as they were ashamed of me. Always they looked down upon me. When we grew up I got a mediocre job in a company. My brother started his own company when he was just 24. In 2 years his company has reached great success. His is one of the most well-known start-ups in the country. Compared to him I have not achieved anything. I am a loser. But is it so bad to be a loser? I was just an average. But they made me feel miserable. I think they will be happy without me. I am a sore in their eyes. I don’t know why God chose to send me to their house. I wish I were born in some other house. I have no control on my birth but I have control on my death. Yes, I want to sever all my relationship with them. That is why I have decided to end my life. I hope in my next birth I am born in some family which values me. You were one such soul who valued me a lot. Hence I am writing my last letter to you. May you reach great success. Goodbye!

Love,

Julie”

My hands were still trembling reading the letter.

P.S Jenny’s Story

It's one week that you are gone Julie. I feel so ashamed being your mother. I am so hurt at your action. Right from your childhood you have been totally unmanageable. You were always so jealous of your brother. You never understood our love for you. You always thought we loved your brother more. But our love was never any less for you dear. Whenever we tried to console you for your failures you thought we were mocking at you. Yes, your brother is more successful but that does not mean you are any less. In life there will always be a winner and a loser. Someone will be better than the other. This does not mean life of the ones who are losers are useless. It's ok to be average. No one loves you any less because of that. I wish you had tried to understand us little better. I wish you had accepted yourself as you are and not tried comparing constantly with your brother. None of my wishes will come true I know. It's too late now, too late.