The Leaves Of Morning Glory
The Leaves Of Morning Glory
Have you ever seen a 'morning glory'? Its lush green heart shaped leaves entwine themselves around each other and grow together in the warmth of each other. Each other is all they need to become one whole. I felt the same when I was with Jack. Every day spent with him were moments with a lifetime in them. The fragrance of his breath was ...well ... breathtaking. I could lose myself in his arms, his voice ... his eyes, and I would not have felt a thing. Life felt like a blessing when I saw him smile and of course his heart-melting laughter lingered in my mind long after and made me blush as if he was standing right there in front of me.
If only, I had the courage, to confess...this all could be true for me and I would not have been seated at the round small table with an ornate center piece over a beautifully embroidered table cloth, beside Mrs. Hudson who happens to be the aunt of the most handsome groom, Jack!
For Jack, I was everything, his best friend, his confidant, his family, everything, except his love. I adored Jack since high school but knew him from childhood. 'Jack + Emily' , I would scribble in my diary after writing every moment of each day I spent with him. I never met any man who was as kind and docile and a gentleman as him and without realizing it well in time I was already deeply in love with him.
The first time I realized I loved Jack was when we were in college. I had suppressed my feelings for him mostly because I was unsure myself about what those feelings were, but when he introduced me to Leena, that's the first time I felt the deep sting in my heart. I still remember the day, I was waiting for him at the hallway when I heard his mesmerizing laughter, I turned back and saw him approaching me with a girl by his side. She looked pretty in the red dress and seemed shy. I could feel his cheeks blush whenever she would look at him coyly. She had a soft voice and was very nice to me and when he called my name suddenly, snapping me out of the trance all I could manage to say was, "I gotta go guys, see you later Jack".
I remember running into the girl's lavatory and locking myself in a compartment, hyperventilating and sobbing. It was a panic attack and that's when I knew, I was in love with him, all this time.
But the realization was way too late, he was already in love with her. He began missing Thursday game nights, stopped going for trekking with our other friends. He even missed my birthday and that's when we fought for the first time in years. He did not apologize rather rationalized and that's when I knew I should step aside and accept the honor of being his ' best friend ' and let him freely have the happiness he wants rather than making him feel guilty for his choice.
Leena did not like me very much, I could tell. It was Jack's wish and persuasion that led her to allow me to be a part of the wedding. Leena doubted that I had feelings for him and Jack disregarded those doubts, well, thank God he did cause I would not have been able to lie to him if he had confronted me. People often said, 'Love is tough game', well, for me it was no game, it was my entire life. Jack was an inseparable truth of my life, he was my childhood, teenage and adulthood!
Although I had managed to calm myself thinking about Jack's happiness but the real shock came to me when he announced in the rehearsal dinner that he and Leena are going to settle down in New York as Leena has got a wonderful job opportunity there and he wants to be there for her. His parent's distraught was obvious but they were helpless as it was a decision their son had taken and like every bird leaves its nest, it was time for their boy too. But for me, him leaving was like someone erasing my entire life in front of me. Tearing a piece of my heart away from me and leaving me here to bleed out and rot. I could have managed to survive by admiring him from a distance but not being able to see him was not something I could deal with.
With every step Leena took down the aisle, dressed in white and gorgeous gown, I felt my heart sinking further down and dropping in my stomach. My entire world was about to change and so was Jack's. And although he was ready to accept it and say "I Do", I was not !! So I took one quick look at Jack, dressed in his elegant suit, he was standing with his right hand behind and waiting for his wife to be to reach him. He suddenly looked at my direction and our eyes locked. He smiled and the tears I had been holding for the last whole year came flowing out, I saw his smile fade and knew that instant that he had understood, I am not sure if that makes me a bad person but it was the first time in days, in months that I felt a strange relief, as if I was able to confess something.
I ran to my home sobbing all the way, and locked myself in the bedroom. I decided at that moment to leave this place and never look back again. Jack was everything I ever wanted. But he had found love somewhere else and it was not my place anymore. So I packed my things and got the next flight to Chicago at my aunt's house where I was always welcome and above everything she lived alone and also knew my story so I was
comfortable around her.
For over a year I dipped myself in part time jobs and fashion design education and internships, finally I got my professional break at Ralph Lauren and for the first time in a huge while I felt happy. That night I decided to celebrate with my aunt and some of my new friends from my part time work place. We went out to a close by Restrobar named Barny's and ordered a bunch of drinks. We were all having a gala time, my aunt was very ecstatic. She was the closest thing to mom I had in my life. My mom had passed away after a difficult illness. If it was not for Jack and my aunt I would have fallen deep into depression, so everytime I looked at her, I could feel my mom somewhere.
Amidst all that enjoyment suddenly I felt a familiar face flash infront of my eyes like a memory you try to forget, but can't unless you recall it. It was Jack. His laughter, his fragrance suddenly flowed through my veins and once again caused the sting in my heart. He was my love, my only love, but he was my past now. I knew I can not love another but brooding over him would do me no good. He was happy with Leena, I told myself, must have had a kid by now cause he loved kids. Had a way with them. Must have become a great lawyer in New York, progressing each day and also doing some social work like back at home. He must be happy. I told this to myself whenever I remembered him. But that day was different. It was the day I wanted Jack to be by my side. It was not possible but my heart was longing to see him that day. Might have been the booze too ... igniting the already existing feelings, when suddenly I heard a sharp gasp from aunt seated beside me and she stood up saying, "Oh my God! Jack is that you ??!"
All I could do was gaze at the beer bottle in my hands which by the way had started to freeze. I could feel the chill run down my spine and my body stiffening at a place not ready to turn around and face the one thing, the one person who meant the entire world to me. In my mind I was thinking, " Is it real? is it really Jack? what's he doing here? I dont even know if its him, I have not yet seen the face of this Jack, how did he know I was here? Should I turn back...what should I... ", when suddenly I felt a familiar palm rest on my shuddering shoulder. He whispered in my ear, "When did you learn to play hide and seek so well ?? I thought you would finally beat me this time!" .
When Jack and I were young, hide and seek was our favorite game and I was never good at hiding as I was scared of the dark places. Even as a seeker I would never be able to find him cause he would almost always hide at the attic which was very dark. I still remember one day when I was upset over losing at hide and seek that I decided to hide up at the attic. Now Jack never suspected that I was hiding there and he never came looking for me. I began feeling sick and decided to go out but due to panic attack I fainted there. Jack got so worried unable to find me that he looked for me like a mad person everywhere and finally found me all sweaty on the attic and woke me up. We both hugged each other and cried for so long and he had sad the exact same words to me even then.
And today he had found me again.
I turned back, dreading, and thinking to find him with Leena. But there he was standing near me, all alone, handsome, all the same. I rose slowly and he gave me a bear hug, I looked at my aunt who was smiling through her tears.
"What's going on? How are you? Where...Where's uh..Leena ?", I asked, smiling a fake smile.
"We ..uh..we got divirced a month after the marriage", he said.
"What!!? Why?", I asked. In disbelief.
"Well, I wanted to come and talk to you immediately when you left from my wedding but everybody was there and all had been arranged. I don't know why, but the thought of not being able to see you again was stinging me so hard that I told Leena that I won't be moving to New York. She got very mad, on our wedding night!.. And I tried to reason with her but she was desperate to move to New York more than wanting to work things out. So she filed for divorce and that's when I realised I was wrong. I was not seeing what I was giving up, whom all I was giving up to make that one person happy and the most important thing, I had not realised it at the time but when you left after that I realized what it would feel like to not being able to see your face and then it hit me that I want to wake up seeing your face every single day for the rest of life. It was always you Em, just that I was stupid enough to take you for granted".
I cannot express in words, how much it meant to me, those words meant to me, I pinched myself slowly so that I can believe its true and its happening and it WAS TRUE! So next when he said those magical words, "I Love you Emily, will you marry me?",
Just like the day of his wedding, all that happened was that tears began flowing, only this time it was both of us and they were happy tears.
So just like the 'morning glory', we wrapped our arms around each other and became one whole to grow old together in the warmth of each other.