The Dying Man Full Story Part 1

“What do I do now” I mumbled 

I’m sitting at my kitchen table in my small grey RV, I can’t keep her out of my mind she is like a poison, slowly eroding away at my mind and body! I pound my hands on the table so loudly I almost break it. I feel my rage and sadness consuming me, I have no idea what to do, I have nothing now. The only thing I valued used me and walked out of my life. I can’t believe she would use me for everything I had, all I did was try to give her everything in return for her love , and now she cheated on me so many times, she even went to other men for help. 

“What did I do wrong!” I accidentally blurted out

I start biting my fingers vigorously again, head pounding with each bite. I don’t know how long I can take this, it’s been weeks and I still can hardly sleep. God will answer my prayers at some time, hopefully. I try to take out my emotions in something else trying not to cause damage on anything, but my mind always draw back to her. I just need to let her go, but how can I! I thought she was my everything, as I drop to my knees causing a small thump. Just another breakdown they are normal now , I have had so many, I have been holding so much in. With no one to listen to me, not even my own family, they hardly know me and won’t take it seriously. 

I sit down in my chair and my laptop illuminates my face in the dark, and I put on my headphones and jump onto a discord call with my friends. We can hardly talk now since we all have jobs, including me .I feel somewhat happy to be hanging out with them, they are one of the reasons I haven’t given up yet. After I break the news to them I find out even worse news. Shane is in the hospital again even sicker than last time. I accidentally start crying , but I stop myself quickly before anyone notices. After watching a few shows and playing some In some VR chat rooms , we all decide to leave since we are all busy tomorrow. 

I try to lay down and sleep but I can’t I keep having the bad urges again , each night it’s harder to resist. I try to take a cold shower to stop myself, but it’s to late. Just bang after bang , my head keeps smashing itself against the wall, I don't know why. I stop right before I almost pass out. I just sit down in the shower feeling the cold water dripping on my aching , weak body. I can hardly breathe , my skin is burning again , I just can’t control my emotions anymore, I feel numb if I’m not sad or in pain. After the shower I eventually pass out again in bed for a few hours . 

One year later : 

 Everyday I’m just getting worse and worse, today I am gonna try something new . I open my laptop with little to no excitement, I can’t stop squirming though which is odd for me , I am fairly nervous, I mean maybe no one will want me. I take a deep breathe , and try to smile while I open the dating website, it took me three tries to connect to a real person unbelievable. But, I was up till midnight talking to people until I found the one , she was so kind and compassionate it almost made me forget how sick I was. When I told her what happened to me she didn’t laugh or leave the chat room, she stayed! She really stayed! We even said I love you on the first night . When I saw her I picture , I felt so lucky. Her eyes where the most beautiful green I’ve ever seen, and her hair was a beautiful shade of red, her smile smile melted my heart. I fell for her and she fell for me it was so perfect. We talked all night that night.

I didn’t want to show her my photos since my dark brown eyes, black hair, and pale skin couldn’t really impress anyone. But I was wrong, she loved the way I looked she said I looked adorable which is rare . She had the sweetest voice too , it sounded like rain on an old tin roof (my favorite sound).

I thought everything was going to be perfect from now on since god had answered my prayers , once again and I am forever grateful for it.

Her problems didn’t begin to show until three or four months later , when she completely broke , she sadly has problems with hallucinations, pills, extreme paranoia and anxiety. She tried to keep it hidden but I knew her to well, it hurt me so much that she tried going to someone else for help , but I know her heart was in the right place. I would have beaten that “therapist” for giving her such bad advice, we’ll probably not because we would both get sick without each other . I still feel awful for laying all my problems on person , but she was so willing , I just needed her.

I have never talked about my future so much with anyone before, she even somehow made me stop talking bad about myself. She still hasn’t stopped feeling and talking bad about herself . I had to convince her that she was good enough and when ever she says those things about herself if feels like someone is killing the one I love . She tried leaving again and I broke down more violently than I did with the first you know what I was with. 

But Amy was the woman for me, she understood that I couldn’t give her much. She wouldn’t ever use me the way I was used before.

She even helped me get into collage again. But I had to drop out and I lost my whole free ride because I’d the scholarships, it was to hard and stressful for me and she couldn’t really help.

Part 2 coming soon