Soul searching 1 (Anonymous)

Its almost 5 am in the morning and while soul searching I have come to realise again how much the bonds I have made during last 3-4 years are important to me.

Lets face it, I am way difficult to bond with, those who are close to me certainly know it first hand. Certainly people realise I suffer from occasional temper tantrums, I have an outspoken mouth, a bit of hypocrisy and a manipulative side as well. Most of my life I have been left alone dealing with these traits that I am not proud of. Never wondered why I had no people to call or why I have less people who would keep contacts with me. It made me keep looking for the bonds more. 

Its not like I didnt had any friends. I did actually. Its not like before 2018 I had no friends. I have. Atleast some of them occasionally sends me texts. They ask about my whereabouts, some even ask me "how I am" on random dates of a calender in a year which actually makes me wonder how come they still remember me after all these months. Some subtle comments on my hairstyle do appear from randomly and followups are even more random. Forget about the day they asked, it might be after months they actually replied to me for my text defending my hairstyle choices. 

No wonder I feel envious when people bond over teas, cigerrates with their friends they have grown older with from their schools and some from locality. Unfortunately I have no friends in my school life who would actually have such bonds to share with me. I had no friends at all till 11th. I had ties from the locality were I used to live during my school years yet I knew all along I did not belong there. No wonder theres no friends to go back there and have adda like others do when they are home. Actually this is why people need their own home so they could belong to somewhere atleast. 

My whole revolved around Dum Dum yet I have no friends to call a childhood friend except Biswajit who were the first ones to accept me as I am. Like they say in Christain prayers "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot Change, courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference......" He was the first one who accepted me wholeheartedly, took me in, from the deranged dark past of mine and changed me into a bit of better person. 

Surely I had friends from school but then again I am not someone to call to. They hardly know me in the first place. I would be surprised if they even remembered my name. Those who did remembered have no such bond with me so that they would actually call me. Then I went to college with some class mates from my school but I was as I said Difficult to deal with. They made new bonds which I accept were better than having a troubled friendship with me and they lasted. Atleast they didnt receive a call from the new bonds after 5 years asking them "how are you? So I have heard you are getting married? So Am I attending it Pal? They didnt reluctantly had to say "yes you may at the reception".  

Though it was the result of my own fault That I can confidently accept. I neglected their offerings of friendship in exchange of me becoming a butt of jokes among them. Instead I found solace in a relationship which was more superficial than ever which is "Love". Not that I have learned from my last mistakes. I did that more often and miserably failed and left broken. Its another story which I dont want to discuss in lenghts cause they dont really matter. I just want to point out the background of the fact why I failed to have several meaningful bonds my entire life and friendship was the one I longed for.