Sins of the mother (Chapter-43)

It had been more than a week since Lukas’s encounter with Dolan on the mountain. He was having nightmares, which was something he wasn’t used to. He dreamed that he was drowning in cold, black water. He would wake up soaked in sweat and wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. It was good that he was off on vacation because he didn’t know how he’d make it through a workday on as little sleep as he was getting.

He hadn’t heard a word from Gabriele. Not even a “Hey, glad you’re alive” in a text. There had been calls from Brooke, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her.

Lukas knew what was going on. He was suffering from Post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. He wasn’t eating well. Couldn’t sleep. Hadn’t shaved in a week. Was drinking more beer than he should. He’d been through it before. The nightmares he’d endured after leaving the Air Force had lasted for a year, but with the help of a psychiatrist at the Veterans Administration and some group therapy, they’d finally stopped. He knew he might have to call the VA to shrink and set up an appointment, but he hadn’t yet been able to bring himself to do it.

He’d gone to the mandatory session with the police department psychiatrist after killing Dolan. But killing Dolan wasn’t the issue. Dolan deserved to die, and Lukas had no regrets about sending him to hell. He was bothered more by nearly allowing Dolan to kill him.

But what was at the core of this depression, he believed, was that even if Dolan had killed him, who would have mourned him? His mother was dead, murdered by his father. His father was in prison. His grandparents had all passed away. His brother had been killed. He had no one. Had he spent his life being so selfish that no one would care if he left this earth? Had he poured too much of himself into the job? He had his cop buddies and his Little League teams where kids came and went, but those were all superficial relationships. He had Brooke, but he wasn’t sure where they stood. He hadn’t ever really given of himself, and because of that, he was alone.

He was sitting in his den, the blinds were drawn, as darkness was falling outside. He heard a soft knock on the front door. His first inclination was to sneak into the bedroom and lock the door, but he forced himself to get up and see who was knocking. He looked through the peephole.

Brooke.

Shit.

“Lukas? Are you in there?” he heard her say through the door. “Lukas?”

“I don’t really want to talk right now, Brooke,” he said.

“Open the door, Lukas, please.”

“I look like hell.”

“I’m sure you do. Please let me in. I’m your partner, remember?”

“That case is over.”

“That case will never be over. For either of us.”

She was probably right about that. How many female detectives wind up getting their own daughter kidnapped during the course of an investigation? There was plenty of trauma to go around, courtesy of the psychopath Paul Dolan.

“Sierra says hello.”

Lukas dropped his forehead against the door. Why did she have to come now?

“Lukas, please? It’s cold out here.”

“You can get in your car and get warm.”

“I’ll stand out here all night if I have to. I’m not leaving until I see your face and we sit down and talk.”

Lukas sighed and unlocked the door. He opened it and stepped back into the room. He began cleaning pizza boxes and beer bottles off the table in front of the couch. He looked up to find Brooke staring at him.

“Wow,” she said, “you weren’t kidding. You look pretty bad. I have to admit I kind of like the beard, though.”

“Sit,” Lukas said, motioning to a chair at the dining room table.

Brooke was wearing tight blue jeans and a black turtleneck sweater underneath a denim jacket. Her blonde hair was down, and it shimmered beneath the dining room light like a golden thread. Damn, she really was easy on the eyes.

“Want a beer?” Lukas said.

“Sure, a beer sounds great.”

Lukas pulled two beers out of the refrigerator and sat one down in front of Brooke. He took a seat across the table from her.

“How’s Sierra doing?” he said.

“She’s good, remarkably good considering what happened to her. She’s so young, though, I don’t think she’s able to really process how bad it was or could have been. Thank God that psycho sedated her and didn’t abuse her in any way. Haley took her out to eat and to do some shopping because I wanted to come over here and check on you. You won’t return my calls.”

“We were lucky,” Lukas said, ignoring the remark about the phone calls. “Give Sierra a kiss for me.”

“Why don’t you give her a kiss yourself? Come to my house tomorrow for dinner.”

“I don’t know…”

“We can’t let this get the best of us, Lukas. Are you having nightmares?”

“I’ve had a few,” he lied.

“Me, too. More than a few.”

“Mind describing them?” Lukas said.

“They’re vivid, as though it was all happening again. The one that recurs most often is of Dolan’s arm around my throat with that knife pressed against my side.”

“Those are PTSD nightmares,” Lukas said. “Are they in color or black and white?”

“Black and white.”

“Mine, too.”

“What happened out there, Lukas? How did Dolan get his hands on your Sig?”

“It doesn’t matter now. We were warned, and I failed. It’s a lesson learned.”

Brooke smiled. “Lessons we walk away from are good ones.”

“Seems like I’ve heard that before.”

“It must have been terrifying,” Brooke said. “Have you heard about Mrs. Winn, the owner of Smoky Mountain Cabins?”

Lukas shook his head.

“A federal grand jury in Knoxville indicted her for calling Dolan and warning him we were coming. She’s facing half a dozen charges. My guess is she’s going away for a while, no matter how good her attorneys are.”

“Karma’s a bitch.”

“So why are you sitting here alone, in the dark, depressed?”

“Honestly? I’ve been thinking about how self-involved I’ve been all my life. I’ve never made any real connections with people. It stems from something that happened when I was a kid.”

“What happened when you were a kid?”

Lukas looked at the beautiful woman in front of him. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d discussed the incident. Did he trust this woman? Did he want her to know his deepest secrets?

“It stays in this room?”

“I promise.”

“I was six, and my brother, Ben, was seven. We were living in Dalton, Georgia, just south of Chattanooga at the time. My dad was a long-haul trucker. He’d be gone for two weeks at a time. My mom started seeing this guy. He was a few years younger than her, and she started bringing him home once in a while. She said he was her cousin, but Ben and I knew better. We spied on them, which was easy because they were usually drunk and snorting this white powder that I later learned was cocaine . Over the next couple of months, when my dad would come in, he and my mom would get into these big fights. I heard her threaten to kill him or have him killed if he tried to take her boys from her. Anyway, one Friday night when he was supposed to be on the road, he showed up at home around midnight. Mom and her boyfriend were there, partying in the den. Ben and I were awake upstairs, playing video games. They didn’t care. I guess they were too high to care. I don’t know exactly what happened when he walked in, but I think they were having sex, and he just lost it. He had a Smith & Wesson 686 revolver that he carried with him on the road for protection, and he just opened up on them with it. Ben and I dived into the closet. I’ll never forget those shots. It seemed like they’d never stop.

“So, after they were both dead, he called 911 and came upstairs to make sure we were all right. The police came, took him to jail, and he wound up pleading guilty to two counts of first-degree murder. He got life without parole. I haven’t seen him since.”

“I’m sorry, Lukas,” Brooke said. “Do you think it would help to see him?”

“He doesn’t want to see me. My grandmother wrote to him all the time and she and my grandfather went to visit him, but he told them not to bring Ben and me. He didn’t want us to see him locked up in prison. I wrote to him a few times, but he never answered. I eventually just let it go.”

“So, his parents raised you and Ben?”

“Yeah. My mom’s parents were divorced and had both moved away. They were always fighting anyway. My mom used to say terrible things about her parents. I don’t think my mother was a very good person. She wound up paying an awful price.”

“I had no idea.”

“It’s not something I advertise. But my dad’s parents were good to Ben and me. We both went into the military right out of high school – Ben into the Marines and me into the Air Force. Ben was killed in a training accident not long after he got into a Marines special ops unit. I was discharged from the Air Force because I beat the hell out of a civilian in a bar in Anchorage, Alaska, shortly after Ben was killed. They didn’t burn me, though. Gave me an honorable discharge, didn’t mention the fight in any of my separation papers and didn’t charge me with any crime. They just sent me packing.

“I wound up being interested in law enforcement, probably because of what happened between my mom and dad. I got a degree in criminal justice from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, and then got a job with the Johnson City Police Department. And yes, I told them about my dad, but they gave me a shot anyway. I’ve been here ever since, but I haven’t really lived. Do you know what I mean? If Dolan had killed me, nobody would have really cared. I haven’t made a real difference with anyone because I haven’t connected with anyone. I haven’t really loved anyone.”

“You’ve made a connection with me.”

Lukas looked at her and she held his gaze.

“So, you don’t think it was just professional?” he said. “Just a man and a woman, both of whom happened to be detectives, thrown into a desperate situation who wound up relying on each other?”

“I’ve been calling you, Lukas, and I didn’t come over here just to talk about the case.”

“Why did you come?”

“Because I miss you. Because I care about you. Because we have connected. I feel closer to you than I have to any other man in my entire life. What you’re sitting here torturing yourself about is right in front of your face. You just refuse to see it.”

Lukas took a long pull from his beer. His stomach was tingling. He felt as though the fog that had been surrounding him for the past several days was lifting.

“Are you telling me you want to give us a try?” he said.

“If you don’t mind taking a chance on a woman who works too hard and has a daughter.”

“Stay right there,” Lukas said. “I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to take a quick shower and shave. And then I’m going to come back out here and give you a kiss if you’ll let me.”

“I have a better idea,” Brooke said.

“What’s that?”

“How about you let me wash your back?”