Ni:shabd…

Ni:shabd… I had committed suicide by hanging. I (my soul) had a lot of difficulty in getting out of my body. I was only 15 years old. Because of this the body was very firmly attached to my soul. It was not an old body, from which (some) soul easily leaves, with some little excuse. 

In the struggle for separation of soul and body, it was easy for the body to become loose. But I (soul) who had left was still exhausted and stopped there before moving on to the journey ahead. 

I (that is, the soul) now fixed in one place in the air, seeing the plight of my body hanging in the noose, was filled with remorse. Being with me, this body was so energetic and always active in doing something or the other. Now when I left it, this (body) was hanging on the face with a final and permanent feeling of intense pain. 

My hands and feet were hanging lifeless like a halal goat at a butcher's shop, hanging for sale. This was the first (and also the last) occasion when I (soul has no gender) came out of my body to see it. Before this I had never experienced that life is made up of the union of the body and the soul. Before now I knew that I am the body. And since my body was that of a man, I kept thinking of myself as a boy. 

When I came out of the body, I (the soul) had no shape, I was realizing that. Now I was thinking that if I was in the body of a girl, I would be thinking of myself as a girl. 

Seeing my (former) body hanging idle, I was thinking that this body would not be sold cut into pieces like the body of a goat. Imagining this made me shudder. I started thinking that if I was in the body of a goat, it would have been bought by the customers by now at the rate of a kilo as soon as I was parted from it. 

Some parts of my body would be taken to a customer's house and some other to some customer's house. In the kitchens of those houses, my body would be cooked in the fire of burners/chulhas as per their choice. When worn, it would be eaten with flavors among different members. Thinking ahead of it, I was disgusted that after this when this body comes out in the form of feces, from the anus of different bodies, then there is no identity left of it. This body would have become a bad thing spreading foul smell. 

I was satisfied thinking that it was good that I (soul) was in the human body. Then I started thinking, what's the good in this? I was in the human body. 

Two years ago, I had remembered about my dear father being taken to Mokshaghat on four shoulders after his death. I saw them being kept on dusty ground at Mokshaghat. Then after some rituals, he was seen lying on hard woods. I remembered that then the fire for his pyre was given by me. Two days later, my father's body turned into ashes and some bones, we had gathered. 

I was thinking as if a goat would eventually lose its identity after being slaughtered by a butcher, similarly I lost my identity by killing myself. I had heard about the post mortem. I knew that after someone's unnatural death, his body is examined by a doctor by tearing it apart. After that it is sewn like a sack. Thinking of this, I (the soul) felt wrinkled again. I was thinking that in the end my left body will also be sorted out in a different way from the goat but the thorns will be cut off. 

I was now filled with remorse that this (happening) condition of my body was my own calling. Now I was thinking that no this is my grave mistake. I was anxious to return to my body. I went inside the body with the open mouth hanging on the noose but I was disappointed. I didn't know how attached I was, even to its tiny cells. I was also disappointed to learn the fact that I felt my body and myself as two separate substances. 

Now I was thinking how great a scientist is the God who creates life. That God connects a soul like mine, the subtle and innumerable cells of a body, in a unique way. It has such a uniqueness that they (body and soul) do not become two different substances from anywhere (until death). 

Filled with remorse, I was thinking that my body did not have the power to think. It is I (soul) who has the power to think. It was my own unforgivable mistake that my teenage body had to bear this bad and horrific result untimely. I was thinking that right now this body had the ability that it could keep going when it was 80-90 years old and with me. 

I was thinking that if this could be possible, what I have done today by destroying this life only by making the identity of a class ten passed child, I do not know how many identities have been created for at least 60 years and in the glory of those many achievements. could have lived. I would have become someone's husband, someone's father and someone's grandfather, maternal grandfather. Maybe I would have been a great scientist by writing well or I would have become the Prime Minister of India or Britain. 

I was filled with remorse that I (Jiva's) creation of the Lord, I have taken my own life by rebelling against the Lord. Now I was moving around in this room in a distraught state in the air. I was looking at the suicide note I wrote in which I addressed my lonely mother and wrote –

Mama, you are upset by getting angry with some of my work, don't you! Now you will never have to worry like this again - Ni:shabd (that's what I was named after)

Now I was feeling deeply sad. Now in my distressed state, I was thinking that just an hour ago, I had written this note considering my great wisdom. Then in the sense of my ego I had put myself in such unbearable pain by hanging myself on the noose. What I had considered my wisdom until a few minutes ago, now seemed to me to be my utter foolishness. 

I was foolish to conclude from Mommy's occasional displeasure that she didn't want me. I was a fool, I could not realize that every single moment of her’s was devoted to my interest. This world was dear to Mama, that's why the only life dream in this big world was that I was her son. I was getting worried about how my mother's world would be in which neither my father lived nor I will be her son now.

I wanted to moan but I didn't have that ability. If I were attached to my body, it had my heart to move, I had two eyes and nostrils to shed tears, my mouth to make the sound of lamentation, and my mouth to express repentance. 

Such a wonderful coincidence and human life was given to me only by my God, which I had wasted in a moment of depression and anger. I used to play cricket and tennis well. Now when there is no me in the body, how will it be able to play anything? 

No no I have made a big mistake. What can I say, I am no longer a manifest soul. 

For the other sons and daughters of this world, I can only wish that good sense should always be with them. Never make the mistake of committing suicide. 

My sleep was disturbed when, as the doors of the house were thumped, my mother could be heard saying - 

Ni:shabd open the door. Are you sleeping now? Is it any bedtime?

Yes, I had already slept. Now in a few minutes, she will see me absorbed in peace. There was no one inside to open the door from inside. Now maybe Mama took out the key from her purse and opened the latch from outside. 

She had probably come to my room with the idea of waking me up. It was only then that he saw my body hanging from the noose. Her eyes were torn apart. Words came out of her mouth in exasperating compassion - Ni:shabd! My Son, what have you done! 

She had fallen to the ground by waving standing. 

Then I heard a soft voice. Now you come with me, I'm late in coming. No other soul gets so much time to be near his dead body. 

I had guessed it was Yamraj ji. had come to take me. I was pleading and telling him - Yamraj ji, you are watching, are you not? My mama's pathetic condition, can't you help me restore my body? 

Yamraj ji said - I do not have this ability. 

I said - Where are you taking me? Are you taking me to hell?

Yamraj ji said - No, first I will take it to the court of God, it will be decided by God only there. 

(It is the translation of a story written by me in Hindi)