My Ideal Man

My name is Satya Raj. And, I am 22 years old. I am the only child of my parents. Both parents are running a successful business. But, being rich had a deeper affect on my life. That anybody can care to think about. The only thing close to being an adjective in my introduction could be I have a good head on my shoulders. A calm and composed thinker.

Despite the fact of how normal I looked from the outside. I had a tendency to act out strangely sometimes. As long I can remember I always got this feeling that people were being nice to me. Because of my wealthy parents. The fake smiles around me and jealous eyes. They were always there. Even though I knew people were being fake around me. I put up with it my whole life. Acted like it didn’t bother me. I thought of it as evolving to the nature of my surrounding. Like how Darwin wrote. A species starts to evolve under hard circumstances to live a better and comfortable life. 

If I start to remember that far back. There wasn’t any time when I had not been afraid. Afraid of failure; of letting people down; hurting people or getting hurt. Most of all my parents. They are loving people. They gave me everything I could ever want. They both work really hard for my sake. For my future. I didn’t want to lay the burden of my anxiety on parents. I start to mend up ways to keep my anxiety in check on my own from a very early age.

I thought If I kept my guard up all the time. Other things other people won’t get to me. The things they were saying about me. I pretended like I didn’t hear them. I thought if I couldn’t feel it. Then, no harm will come to me. I messed up. Not only did I shut out the pain I shut out everything. The good and the bad. Until there was nothing left. It happened on a fateful day. 

It was my 21 birthday. I was outside calling the catering company for my birthday party. I had called all of my close friends. Including my best friend. Its when it happened. They didn’t realize I was just standing outside the room. I heard them talking. It was my best friend Ashish. 

Ashish:- It’s a pain being friend with Satya. I had to cancel my date with my girlfriend. Because of his stupid idea. That he wants to have a birthday party. Who has birthday parties at 21?

Then one another friend of mine asking him. Then what is he doing here leaving his girlfriend out there? He replied,

Ashish:- It’s because of my dad. He insists me to have Satya as a friend. That, keeping company with him is a good idea. My father’s firm was in a bit of a financial crisis right now. He thinks my stupid friendship with him could be an asset to them.

But, seriously I hate this guy. He is ignorant and boring. Because of him, I have always missed out hanging out with my real friends.

Then one by one. They all started to open up. I knew people hated me. But these were my close friends. I really got to know. How much all my close friends despised me. They didn’t just hate me. They were bonding with each other over how much they all hated me. I felt disgusted.  

Even though it really made miserably.

I walked in calm and composed. They all stopped when they saw me coming in. I told them that my parents will be having a meeting at home. So we have to delay the birthday celebration. I could see the disgust in all their eyes. Which they were hiding with fake smiles.

When they were all leaving. I told Ashish. 

Me:- Guess, It worked out for the good. Now, you get to spent time with your girlfriend. Have a great time.

His eyes got big. When he realized that I have heard everything. When he was about to say something. My hand's gesture showing him the door was enough to let him know. I wasn’t going to hear his explanation. 

Next month was the final exam of my graduating year. I didn’t attend any classes during that month. And I just went to college only for my exams. Apparently, by then Ashish had told every single friend of mine. That, I knew that they talking smack about me behind my back. They all came one by one to explain. Probably trying to blame things on one another or on Ashish for that matter. But, I didn’t give any of them to chance to explain. I ignored them all the same. My anger that time was not on them it was myself. My arrogance got better of me. Before I knew it. I became a loner. I had no friends. So I just stopped going out altogether and became a shut-in.

 My parents were really worried about me. They hardly got to see my face these days. Spent most of my time shut in my room. A whole year passed by like that.

My parents kept asking me what was the reason of my slump. They suggested going to the therapist. Then the first time in my life I lashed out in front of my parents. Telling them that I m not a crazy person and I don’t need a psychiatrist. A few more days passed like this.

Then one of my cousins Nishtha came to visit us. She and I were really close growing up. She actually came for her MBA from Delhi University. She was going to stay over till then.

My mom had told her everything about me. She was genuinely worried about me too.

When she finally came to talk to me. She gave me a big hug and asked me to show her around Delhi. I was just happy that she was not asking about the same problem. My parents have been asking me. Even though, I haven’t gone out in long while. But, saying no to Nishtha was impossible. If I did say know no to her. I was pretty sure she won’t hesitate to drag me out of my room. If she has to. She is a bit crazy that way.

I showed her around. After a few days, she said while sipping her tea. That, I should join her with MBA courses. I did like the idea. But, I knew I won’t get in. Still, I didn’t want to make her mad or conscious about my slum and my shut-in behavior.

So I told her. Sure, why not. Little that I knew. That the whole thing was my parent’s idea, to begin with. My father pulled some strings and I was enrolled via management quota without a problem. Also, my grades were more than sufficient to convince the board.

First day of college. I took my cousin to college in my car. Even though she was feeling excited about it. I was so nervous about going to classes full of people. After, being a year hidden in a room away from people. It robes you of social skills. That you require interacting with people. I was kind of like a puppy hiding behind my cousin. I could tell she was a bit freaked about it.

The first day was hell. By lunchtime, I came back home. I was so nervous in class. In my nervousness, I forgot that I have left Nishtha alone. When college time was about to end. I was heading out to get Nishtha from college. Then a car stopped in the driveway. I didn’t recognize it.

I was staring at it. When Nishtha came jumping out of the same car. Rushing towards me and fisting my arm. With her little paws. Asking why did I leave her there. I was apologizing to her. When my eyes fell the girl standing next to Nishtha. A brown-haired girl with glasses. Her hair was all bundled up tight behind her head. She had deep black eyes. I was caught in her beauty. That, I didn’t realize that Nishtha was pinching my cheeks. I was still staring at her. Then she spoke.

It looks like it hurt.

I said “haan??

Then suddenly pain signal found its way to my brain. Owww!!!

Me:- What are you doing Nishtha. You will rip my cheeks off.

 Nishtha was pouting. I said I am sorry while pinching her cheeks.

Then, Nishtha introduced us. Her Name was Shonali.

We shook hands. I thanked her for giving my cousin lift back home then she left while waving to Nishtha.

Next, the day I was excited to get to college. No nervousness was affecting me. My eyes were looking for Shonali the whole time. Then, I realized she sitting on the one seat from my left with Nishtha. I kept staring at Shonali. Nishtha’s small height was quite convenient actually. I could still look at her. Without being near to her or without making her conscious about my staring.

After, just three days. Nishtha noticed something odd about me. We both were having dinner. My parents were on a business trip. Then she kind of confronted me. 

Why do keep staring at Shonali?? Do you like her??

I knew she would notice. But, I didn’t how to respond to her question. For some reason, I started blushing real bad.

Nishtha’s eyes got big watching me blush. She stood up you like her, don’t you!!??

I didn’t even pretend to hide it. I asked her. what should I do about it?

Nishtha shrugged, how should I know?

I squinted my eyes and said,’ I thought all cousin sister suppose to help brothers in their romantic endeavors. If you can’t help me. You could at least give me advice on the matter.

She said I don’t know. Look her up on facebook. When I told her. That I already have. She pulled one eye bro up and gave a judgy look. She smiled deviously and said.

Nishtha:- Going all stockers. Are we??

Me:- shut up and help plz!!

Then she told me. I should look up some of her interests. Then it would be easy for me to talk to her.

On that night, I went through her facebook page left and right. The next day I was on a mission. In her interest list. The first was the guitar. I never understood. What is it with girls and guys who play guitar. Is it really that sexy? Never the less. It wasn’t about what I think about the guys who played guitar. It was about what Shonali thought of them. And, that’s what matters the most right now.

When I went in for my first lesson. The teacher was really weird in his long hair and small eyes. The guy was so arrogant and strict. He pretty much treated us students like idiots. But, my teacher’s strict way of treating people was not going to stop me from learning the guitar. For a week I practiced day and night. Even my fingertips got blisters. Then my guitar teacher told me. It supposes to happen. That, I was on the right track. When he praised me that I was learning faster than anybody in the class. For the first time in that class, I thought maybe my teacher was not that bad of a guy. Not because he praised me in the class. Cause, he was concerned about me. When he saw my finger. He was impressed with my constant effort and practice. He even told me that if the finger pain bothers me too much. I should rub some alcohol on the finger. Which will make blister dry and will hurt less. My practice was showing results. Now, that I had learned a few chords. I moved on to her next interest. It was athletic interest judo was listed.

The next day, I joined the judo classes. And, it was painful. Even though I was six feet tall. But, with my lumpy body, it was really hard. I am not abjectly what you call athletic. During practice, I was thrown on the ground countless times. The teacher told me that more I fall in the practice. The more time will I stand in the ring. I wanted to tell him. That I was just learning the Judo to impress a girl. And I had not what so ever interest in competing. But, the way he was teaching. I was afraid that if I really told him the reason for my lessons. He might throw me outside of his dojo. I went to every single of my lesson. I even started the diet as my teacher suggested.

The next in the list of interests were books she liked. I bought all the books she loved. The books she loved were. Alchemist, The Great Gatsby, Ramayana, and Mahabharata. Even though I get why she was into famous novels. But, Ramayana and Mahabharata were bit much for my taste. When I was buying Ramayana and Mahabharata. The shop keeper told me that it's easy to watch the T.V. serials based on the books. Which sound more interesting to me. I bought both book and the DVD of the serial. I went through all the books during my time between my guitar and judo lessons.

Its been a month since. I started to follow all the interest Shonali had. For some reason, I was always exhausted and excited at the same time. I went straight to bed after practice every day and slept as I have never slept before. I was eating a lot too. 

Then one day, my cousin knocked on the door. I opened the door. She came in looking worried. Asked me what I was doing. I had booked all over my room and guitar on the bed and weights on the floor.

Then she looked at me. I was in my sleeveless t-shirt.

 Did you join the gym?? She asked.

I said no.

 Then She said that I looked different bigger and muscular. I didn’t realize till she mentioned it. The month’s constant practice was showing the result on me. I was so focused on learning. That, I didn’t get time to look in the mirror. And she was right. I have gotten ripped and I looked strong.

Then, she asked me why I was not attending college. I have missed a month’s worth of classes. When I told her. That, I was just following her advice. To follow Shonali’s interest and had joined classes. First, she held her head in her hands. Then she said you are completely crazy bro. you are doing all that for a girl. 

I just nodded. 

She started laughing. Did you actually talked to her yet?? I was completely silent. Then, I moved my head sideways in denial. She told me to stop doing the crazy classes. And, to actually talk to her.

I felt so stupid. How could I miss out on the simplest thing ever? But, I didn’t mind it that much. For me, It's fine to just live in now. But the best part of now is that another one comes tomorrow. 

And tomorrow I was finally going to talk to her. For all that I had thought in my head. It was much easier to actually talking to her. 

We talked about a lot of stuff. Though I might have freaked her out with my occasional quoting of Mahabharata and Ramayana.

But, It wasn’t as bad. As I had hoped. Getting that judo lesson did make me look good too. So, I was feeling confident. Then she asked why I stopped coming to college before.

I told her that I was helping out some friends with some business. I felt really bad lying to her. But, I wasn’t going to tell her the truth. She would think I was really lame.

We started to hang out a lot. We were getting closer by days. I even took her to my dojo to show her my skills. Again I didn’t know. I really got pretty skilled at martial arts. Who knew right?? Then, I find out that she didn’t know anything about martial arts. When she mentioned that she was impressed that I was into Judo-karate. She didn’t know both were two different sports. Even though both were from Japan. But, completely different. I didn’t bother her with an explanation.

You can say I was blinded by love. On that same day when we got back at our place. I played a little guitar for both Nishtha and Shonali. 

I romantic English songs that I learned on youtube. It sounded great. I could see Shonali was looking at me intensely while smiling. Next day

 She posted on her facebook wall.

“Is there anything more romantic than a boyfriend. Who can cook”

I knew I was overdoing with following her interest. But, for some reason, I enjoyed doing that. Maybe because for that single reason. Just to impress her I started to try new things. And, I actually loved it. I signed up for cooking lessons. I was horrible at that. By a week I had cut marks all over my hands. I was having a hard time. Learning how to use a chef’s knife. But, with time I got better. And, got really good at cooking.

That I invited her over for dinner. That I would cook the food of her liking. She thought it might be fun. I told her that Nishtha will be there. So, she won’t feel awkward.

But, she didn’t come. I was really upset. Though I didn’t I show it the next day.

She was not there for morning classes. She came rushing to us during lunchtime.

She apologized, that she was held up with some personal matter.

When Nishtha left Shonali asked me for a favor. She wanted me to come to the birthday party of her friend. And she didn’t want to go alone. I agreed without asking any questions.

Which, I regretted afterward. We were on our way to the party. She mentioned that friend was actually her ex-best friend. And, she doesn’t want to go there alone.

I was felt like a looser. She was going to use me to make her ex-best friend jealous. But, it wasn’t all bad. I have got to go as her date. It was just another step in the right direction. A lot of thoughts were in my mind.

Watching me silently driving. She started to give details without even asking. She said that they used to be best friends. But both broke up last year. Because she was blowing her off to spent time with her boyfriend. And invite to this party was a peace offering by her friend. 

I was thinking that girls are stupid to be breaking up over silly things like that. Who knew I was in for a surprise myself.

We enter the party. We were greeted by Shonali’s ex-best friend Priyanka. Who was short but cute. But still not as cute as Shonali. When Priyanka asked her about me. Shonali introduced me as her boyfriend. My jaw dropped. She closed my mouth and winked at me. For her, it was a signal of understanding for me. But, my heart was beating. So fast that I missed that.

Suddenly a familiar person walked towards us. My blood starts to boil. I was trying to keep my tamper down. When Priyanka introduced us to her boyfriend. It was none other than Aashish. Then Aashish forward his hand and said “how are ya Satya??

I didn’t shake his hand. All the hate memory came rushing back after a long time. I felt suffocated. I asked Priyanka. Where was the bathroom and rushed through them.

I washed my face and calmed down a bit. I came back. I talked to Aashish. I knew at some point. We meet again. And, I didn’t want that to affect me my whole life. So I was just dealing with it.

Shonali was noticing everything. When we were coming back from the party. Shonali asked about my weird behavior. For some reason, I told her everything. She listened calmly to my story. And, she apologized that she had made me through a painful evening on her own selfishness.

When I finally told her. That it was okay. That I really needed that. She smiled and hugged me. I was shocked. It was actually the first time a hug with a girl other than my cousin. And, for some reason, it felt different. She smelt like vanilla ice cream and felt like warm soft blanket.

I came home and dreamt about Shonali all night. When I woke up. I checked my phone. Saw a few notifications of Facebook. Shonali had posted about the party. And mentioned hard time become pleasant with wonderful company with me tagged in. I was really happy to read it. The next post was updated in her interest list was dancing.

I finally felt relaxed. All the dance lessons I had to take. When I was 15. Because Nishtha needed a partner to learn dance. I felt embarrassed about going to dance lessons. But, now I was giving my blessing to my cute little cousin for making me take dance classes.

Who knew even god of coincidence was smiling upon me. The next day Shonali asked me. If I like to join dance classes with her. When she mentioned that Nishtha was there. Before I could say anything. Nishtha opens her big mouth. 

No chance Satya hates dancing. I asked him when were little to be my dancing partners for the dance classes. He hated it the whole time he was there.

Seriously, my little cousin is not cute at all. She really a brat with a big mouth. Why does she have to tell her that? I wanted to pull her ponytail. I avoid doing that in front of Shonali.

Then Shonali made a face. Which I have never seen her do before. Like she was dejected. She was pouting and

By God, she looked cute doing that.

I told her that she doesn’t have to listen to my crazy cousin. I will definitely go with her. Her eyes lit up. 

The next day, in the class. I showed her my moves. Salsa beat was calling to me. Even the trainer complimented us. We kept dancing until we were exhausted.

Then, I went to drop her in my car. When I was about to go. She asked me if I like to walk a bit in the park nearby. I nodded.

We were walking. She held my hand. I was shocked and happy at the same time. Unlike the other girls, I have met. Shonali was different. She was bold, pretty and kind. Everything about her was charming to me.

Then she pulled my hand. She was looking intensely into my eyes and said.

I have to tell you something really important

Me;- yes!!

Shonali:- I like you.

Me:- aww really, I like you too.

Shonali:- not like that I think I love you.

My heart skipped a beat. My mouth was opened I couldn’t say anything. When I finally got myself together. She said

Shonali:- I have never met anyone like you before. You are just perfect. You are a kind of understanding. And, we have a lot in common. I feel at ease when I m around you. I think I really love you.

For some reason. I have been kept thinking about her facebook page. She doesn’t like me. She likes the idea of the person I have become. Would she love me? If she gets to know the real me. Would she love me? If I became my old self. My heart started beating fast. I let go of her hand.

Me:- No, no you don’t love me.

Listening to my response. Her expression got desperate.

Shonali:- but, I do

Me:- What’s my favorite color?

Shonali:- what??

Me:- who is my favorite author.

Shonali:- what are you talking about??

Me:- what food do I like?

Shonali:- I don’t know

Me:- See you don’t know anything about me. Then how can you love me?

My words really shocked the hell out of her. She had tears in her eyes. I could tell she really meant it when she said. She loves me. But I was starting to become my old self again.

Shonali:- I don’t know all that stuff about you. Do you think knowing that stuff has anything to do with how I feel about you? Besides, we have a life to know each other. But, right now I just want to know what you feel about me.

I had no answer. I couldn’t say anything. Some guilt was eating me inside. Like I had cheated her. The man she had fallen in love with is not really me. I have cheated her.

I left without saying anything.

I got home my parents were home. My eyes were wet. Nishtha saw me. It's like she knew what happened. She ran and hugged me. Consoling me that it will be okay. 

I told everything to my parents. They were happy that I was in love. But, they were worried too. When they heard my story. They said you haven’t cheated her. You might have gone overboard with following that facebook page. But my effort showed that I was ready to become anything for her sake. And that’s true love is all about. 

Listening to this I couldn’t wait another moment. I had to tell her. How I felt about her. If I wait for another day. I might lose her.

In a matter of a few minutes. I found myself in front of her house. I rang the bell. An old lady came out. When I asked her about Shonali. She said she had gone somewhere. 

She will be back late. When I asked her. If she knew where she had gone. She moved her head sideways and went inside.

It was past 8:00 pm. I didn’t know what to do.

I just sat in front of her house and waited. Before I knew it was past twelve.

I don’t know. When I fall asleep in her front lawn.

Then, a soft hand on my forehead woke me up. I opened my eyes. It was her. Without thinking I hugged her. I was thinking that I was dreaming or something.

Then she pushed me away. Which made me sure it was a reality. Then, she wiped her wet eyes and said

What are you doing here?? Laying in my lawn??

Go home, Satya

Me:- No, no please I have something I want to…..no no I have to tell you.

Shonali:- okay, fine just say it and go home…

I took a long breath….before saying it.

Me:-I love you

Shonali:-Satya you don’t have to

Me:-I know I know. But I do

I love you so much

And it feels really good to say it. I m sorry that I didn’t say right away.

I didn’t know. If I knew in the right way. But now that I knew in every way. I know it. You know

Does that make any sense??

Shonali:- not really

Her eyes were wet. But, now she was smiling. Her cheeks were red. Even though it was a late night. The light from the night lamp in front of her house. Was illuminating a beautiful glow on her face. Her tears looked like pearl hanging with her eyelashes. She was looking really out of this world. Thinking that I realized something. I was missing out on some important detail. I have to tell her or I won’t be able to live with myself.

Me:-Ok wait there is a bit more. The guy you fell in love with

Shonali:- You!!

Me:- No, yes Like the guy who plays guitar, does judo, cooks food and reads Ramayana and Mahabharata. That not entirely who I am. 

I based all that on your facebook page. Because I wanted to be your ideal guy.

The way I was rambling a lot. I was not sure. If she understood what I said or not. But it really felt good to after telling her. Whatever I have done. I was ready for the consequences. 

Shonali:- I know

Me:- What??

Shonali:-I know

 You are not the most subtle guy in the world. You know

Me:- You knew the whole time??

Shonali:- Quoting Ramayana and Mahabharata come on.

I was feeling a bit like a fool. She is really a wonderful girl. For some reason, everything I was holding up came out.

Me:-I m sorry. I didn’t want to put myself out there and not have a connection. I was really afraid. But there the connection. It’s been there the whole time. Can we please start over??

Shonali:- No,

No, for the response. My heart sank for a moment. And then she said

Shonali:- we can pick up where we left off

Me:-Thank you

I don’t know what came over me. We just leaned toward each other. And, we were having our first kiss. Our first ideal kiss. When we finally part. We started laughing with tears in eyes.

Me:-I can’t believe. It you knew the whole time. You didn’t tell me.

Shonali:- I may have started to put up stuff. To see if you do it or not. Like cooking.

Me:-Really that was worst. You know how many cuts I got from that. God, you are the worst. 

But, I still really really love you.

And we were kissing again in her house’s front lawn. In midnight. It was just perfect.