Motherhood - Sakura

She wasn't a perfect daughter; she wasn't a perfect sibling; she wasn't a perfect wife! Who was telling the story? And whose story was it anyway? The words fluttered and flew in the wind. Motherhood narrated the story, and it was the story of a mother; which the winds whispered in everyone's ears as motherhood urged the wind to carry that mother's tale. Thereafter, motherhood proclaimed the wind; go and tell everyone, "I have found my complete specification when she became a mother!

She wanted to make memories with her son but instead, her son became a memory! She cocooned her son with all her love and nurturing even before he was born. She knew in her heart of hearts, the unborn child was a boy, which she desired! But now she met her son only in her poems and letters which she wrote for her son. She loving called her son 'Taanku'; which was a diminutive for 'thank you'; as she felt thankful to her son for making her a mother after five years of marriage. Motherhood narrated the letters to the wind and the wind fluttered in pain. (The wind asked motherhood," why did she use capitalization when she wrote the word son or things about him?" Motherhood replied, "because she believed, other than God, only her son's name could be used in capital as he was a warrior!

Dear Taanku,

A very happy first month anniversary to You! Your absence outweighs all my previous failures, pains, obstacles, unfulfilled desires and wishes! I'm pining away without you, my Son! I'm pining away without You and You are you "last love!" Every moment I feel empty, sad and unhappy without You! I miss Your Surreal smell, I miss Your beautiful smile, I miss to cuddle You, I miss the moments when You smuggled into my bosom, I miss to caress Your soft hair, I miss to hug You, I miss to kiss You on Your forehead. You gave meaning to my womanhood but now I have no reason to live. But now You are part of the surreal world and eternity is part of You. I started loving you even before I saw you and even before I took You into my embrace. You are the first person who heard my heartbeats so closely. Every day I love You even more, in Your absence.

Mummy Loves You!

12/02/2018

She was broken deep inside but she needed to be normal and strong, and everyone wanted her to recover soon. She was taken to the psychologist and that doctor uttered the same two words, 'normal' and 'strong.' She understood that for the sake of her family she needed to judiciously practice the two words; only to know those two words meant to regress her emotions.

On the one hand people were worried when she didn't cry and on the other hand, people were also worried when she cried. She had a few 3 a.m. friends who knew everything happening in her life and vice versa. She was perplexed, she was confused, she was pained, and she felt God wronged her for no reason. She said everyone close to her that she didn't deserve such a lifelong and stern punishment from God without any reason. She tried to find out the lifelong reason for the untoward incident in her life. She asked the maids, she asked the astrologers, she asked her lawyer friends, she asked her known elderly persons, she asked her colleagues, she asked her students. But no one's reasoning convinced her.

Doctors said, at thirty-four, even people don't get married and your borderline diabetes is very common now and moreover, both your parents have it. Then she said that there was no one in her family or her husband's family who had congenital heart issues like her child. The cardiologist then said, sometimes medical science had no reason as to why some medical conditions happen. She found no answer but during her pregnancy period, she knew through fetal anomaly scan and fetal echo cardio tests that her child had two issues with the heart structures; the pulmonary artery and aorta were interchanged in their natural position and there was a hole in the child's heart.

She was furious at times and asked them not to give her 'illogical" logic to explain her situation and sadness. Some said whatever happened was God's Providence; some said it was the fruit of the past life's karma; some said it was due to genetic mutation(doctors); some had no answers; some said God tested the good and strong people! Sometimes she was belligerent and replied back to them whether they were present in her and her son's past lives when they were doing their bad karma. Sometimes she retaliated by telling me if God had to snatch my son so early, why did He even make me a mother? Some told her that God took away the young whom He loved dearly! To this she said, he was an infant and needed his parents. Some said, people can die at any age and that age is just a number! To this, she cried and replied; " if age was just a number, my son was only nineteen days old!"…..No one still had no convincing answer to explain her loss and why she needed to undergo a lifelong pain, dying every day as a transitory mother.

She was a voracious reader and had a flair for writing. She was very extrovert and loved having a tryst with different people. She had an interest in various subjects and people said she was very creative. Some attributed to the fact that she was creative because she was a Gemini. She thought that she didn't get anything easily in her life and that she had to earn it, even her child! She was suddenly aware of her pregnancy five years after her marriage without undergoing IVF treatment. PCOD is a common medical condition now and she thought she could never become a mother. Many nights, she soaked her husband's chest with her tears. Her husband was reticent but loved her very much.

But the irony was, they had a courtship of four years and were married for five years. She was more romantic and had a filmy influence in her mind! No, she was very middle-class. For her romance did not mean candlelight dinners at expensive restaurants, or proposing with an exorbitant diamond solitaire Inna public place; it wasn't KJo scenes that ticked inside her mind but the Amol Palekar romances that she craved for! She wanted to drench with her husband in the light drizzle; she wanted to sip coconut water with the same straw from which her husband sipped too; she wanted to have hot golgappa and instructed her golgappa seller to put more chopped green chilies ( her husband was never in the vicinity of chillies)! He was into roshogollas and chomchoms and malpuyas and kaju katlis and besan and motichoor laddoos. She had no fetish for sweets! She was an old school student of romance. She loved writing letters to her the then-boyfriend and now her husband.

After preparing meals for her husband, she used to tuck the letter inside the Milton tiffin carrier. But the main issue was, her husband couldn't understand her high standard English ( this is what he thought). He was a cricketer and far away from studies, and he captained his University cricket team for three consecutive years. He was weak in literature but very good at mathematics and computer. But the irony is, his father was a teacher of English. One such letter was discovered by one of his close colleagues. He blushed like a newlywed girl. She always used to decorate her letters which were written for him with hearts. After filing the letter she used to write "SWAK." It meant, sealed with a kiss! 

Dear Love,

Thank You for your care yesterday! I am feeling a bit well and comfortable now. I have realized that no physician/medicines can cure my pain except for your love and care. Only your love and pamper is enough for me.

'I will not die young' due to these physical anomalies as I know that YOU are with me!

For you, a platter of rice flakes basked in my love, sprinkled with the salt of my fidelity towards you; blended with the true colour of my turmeric love; with the aroma of asafoetida and flattering cumins, and my sweet sugar kiss, garnished with the evergreen cilantro heart!

Love you unconditionally!

(Date:. 31.05.2013)

His colleague read out the letter and he blushed. After returning home, he declared that he too will write a Love letter to her. She always craved for a love letter from him. At night he wrote a one-liner:

I

Love

You

Thanks for coming into my life.

John (31.5.2013)

Signature

She couldn't understand whether it was a love letter or an official mail. Nevertheless, she securely kept all things given by John to her; starting from the first chocolate he gave her(she secured the wrapper), the first flower which dried and now this prized possession, the one-liner love letter in the format of a formal letter. Whenever she used to stealthily tuck a letter under his pillow after a fight to placate him or handed over a written letter directly on 14th February or any other day, she had to read it out to him, tell him the meaning. It churned the romance out of her. Still, she was romantic! She never felt shy to express her love to the love of her life. She didn't believe the doctrine of 'pehley aap' when it came to loving her husband. Even sometimes so that her husband felt shy because of her activities. And this is how Daisy was! Like any normal couple, the ebbs and highs of her loving, romantic life was flowing but there was an agony deep down inside her that she wasn't able to bear a child in spite of all their medical reports being normal.

She was tomboyish and she belonged to the distant hills. She had a good bonhomie with nature as the place where she was born was abundant in nature, the hills, the sanctuaries, the rivers, and lakes. She lived trekking, rowing, angling. Never in her life, she played with a doll, unlike other girls. She wanted to become a cricketer but there was no avenue for girls at her native place. But she was always a good teacher and also wanted to be a writer. She moved to a metropolitan city to pursue higher studies and that's where she met John. She was messy and that's what her mother thought.

She couldn't fold clothes, she couldn't tie her hair properly, she always kept her books scattered. Unlike the girls of her age, she didn't care about grooming herself in the beauty parlour. All she cared was playing cricket with her neighbourhood brothers. She was a right arm opener and seamer. Because of the lofty sixes she hit, her friends called her Hitler. Her father saw as the image of her mother as her paternal grandmother passed away even before she was before; her father was very attached to his mother. Daisy was a tenant at a girl's mess where Sree was her roommate, and her boyfriend was Shubh (since standard XI). Sree, Shubh and John were classmates at a boarding school.

John was an apparent local guardian of Sree. Shubh came to meet Sree during his MBA semester break and John worked in the city already. By then, Daisy was working. John was the only child of his father. His father was a teacher of literature and his mother was a housewife. Sree, Shubh and John were having tea at the roadside tea stall and Daisy happened to be returning back from office. She felt good to see Shubh and Soma together. But Daisy always wanted to have a boyfriend and she realised it after she was enrolled at a co-ed college. She used to accompany her friends when she was in college on their dates. She worked like a pigeon messenger for them. She jokingly said her friend then, that she felt like a honorary Hackney carriage.

At that period mobile markets just emerged but she was content with her landline. She used to deliver her friends messages to their boyfriends and vice versa. She proposed some two to three boys but was rejected because they thought she wasn't beautiful. This killed her from inside. John has a dark texture but looked sweet. He had a steady relationship but the girl ditched her. Later on, it came into light that the reason was the same that of Daisy; his then-girlfriend dated him only because he was the university cricket team captain but his looks were not desirable for Prishita, his then girlfriend. So, two things were common for the would-be lovebirds, John and Daisy, love for cricket and unrequited love. That was a Friday when they first met. Sree and Shubh arranged for an apparent blind date; they had met a couple of days before near the tea stall. It was decided that all four would go to visit a flower show in an amusement park. 

They reached the park and Daisy wasn't aware that John would be doing too. But John knew that and the three of them planned to rope in Daisy. On the very first day, they had a discussion about Daisy and Sree asserted that Daisy was a very good cook, read recited the Bhagwad Gita every day, she didn't wear makeup. These declarations etched in John's mind. John started to like her and wanted to know her more. Sree and Shubh worked as a catalyst as they too wanted John to be happy as he was alone too! Sree and Shubh moved to a different area and left John and Daisy alone in the amusement park. They talked about their antecedents. Daisy was always talkative but failed to realise that. At school, sisters used to tell her parents but she couldn't find out why they called her talkative. No, sooner Daisy knew that John was engaged with cricket, she talked even more. They had dinner together and returned to their respective places. Shubh stayed at Johns's place.

Next day Sree and Daisy went to see off Shubh as his semester break was over. The night before, John told Daisy that he wanted to marry her as he was sure about his choice. She burst into tears out of shock as she was rejected by boys when she craved for love. John never said, I love you as he was very sure that he wanted her for a life time. Months went by and she did not feel confident. John pestered her to give her number and finally she did. After a month, she suffered from severe chickenpox and Sree was not with her. John took her to the doctor, arranged tickets for her to return home. She requested John not to touch her as chickenpox was communicable. But John just said, "I was meant to care for you!" 

She reached the phone and then realised how she missed John's call and for the first time she herself called John. She recovered and resumed her job. John went to receive her at the station. They had their first true date that night. They went to the same amusement park and planned for a dinner together. They urged Sree to join them but she had to complete her mass communication project. John had taken Daisy to the ATM before going to dinner. She was very simple and never used an ATM. John showed her how to use an ATM. Then, suddenly she kissed John inside the ATM, not being aware that CCTVs were installed inside ATMs. After coming out of the ATM John detailed him about the CCTV and they burst into laughter.

Days passed by and their love culminated into marriage. Everything was going on well but after a couple of years passed, Daisy was burdened to bear a child. In this way, five years passed. She wanted to adopt a child but John was confident that they would have their own child. She was unaware that she was pregnant. She felt publish, she had a fever, she couldn't eat anything. John took him to the doctor and they couldn't hold on to their joy. Time went on but suddenly they came to know their child suffered from congenital heart disease. They were advised to terminate the child but they didn't disown their child! She feared injections but during her gestation period, she had to pierce her body mind times. She did all that she could do. She pushed her physical, mental, emotional limits to save their child. A beautiful boy was born and it was a Friday. He didn't need any artificial support after being transferred to the NICU. But after he was born, the ECG showed the child had four congenital structure issues of the heart. The surgery was a ten hours long journey and it was successful. But he was only eleven days old. Daisy's son Noel was supported with a heart-lung machine and he could be kept there a maximum for a week. He recuperated twice but ultimately Noel left Daisy and John forever on the nineteenth day of his birth.

Noel was born on a Friday,12th January 2018. Daisy is now a writer and jotting down her life on " the Good Friday, 2018": the opening lines of her book is

A mother's son resurrected years ago; can it not happen to me? The only difference is, Noel was born on a Good Friday! 

A part of me accompanied you to the distant burial ground; that part is my "little heart" known as my son!

Sakura is the Japanese name for cherry blossoms & the blossoming of Sakura pertains to optimism, renewals & transience of life;whereas, Hanami alludes to viewing those flowers. It also means end of the infertile winter & advent and fruition of the spring. 

Daisy's winters were over & the spring arrived! Her little Sakura bloomed & the Hanami (viewing her child with her eyes) was the best transition of her life.

The book was named as 

"MOTHERHOOD SAKURA", 

for, Sakura(her son) brought her joy;the little Sakura in her life was temporal but its the then presence shall be ever cherished in Daisy's garden ,called "motherhood!"