I Still See Her
I Still See Her
"How was your day, dear?" Margot asked Lenny as he opened the door.
"Very productive. Cleaned the storeroom." Lenny replied.
Margot pretended she hear him and went directly into bathroom. Lenny didn't bother to ask her a word. She has been off since six months that day. Lenny had resigned from his job as he thought he was better as stay-at-husband than being at a toxic place where he had no idea why he was there and that way he could help Margot overcome.
When it had been half an hour since Margot went to bathroom, Lenny knocked at the door and told her the dinner was ready. She replied with a 'hmm'. It was every day routine for them. Margot would take anther take ten minutes to come out of the bathroom while Lenny would wait for her at the dinner table.
Margot quietly sat on her chair.
"You know, a family just moved to next apartment." Lenny told Margot.
She stabbed the pasta with her fork and nodded.
"They seem like good people." Lenny added.
Margot engulfed her food and again nodded.
"They've got this dog.....don't remember it's breed." Lenny continued.
"Why are we having this conversation?" Margot asked.
Lenny took and breath and replied, "I don't see a reason not to have it."
"But I do." Margt replied.
Lenny didn't utter a word. He knew it was best to stay quiet. He diverted his mind to the pasta and sauce on his plate. But he just wanted Margot to say something. Anything would do, but just want to hear her.
"I'm done." Margot said as she stood up.
"Where are you going?" Lenny asked but Margot didn't say anything. "Maggie, for god sake."
Margot again didn't say a word. Lenny followed her and held her hand. "Weep again in the bathroom? What do you think I don't know." He said.
"No. You just don't feel anything." She replied.
"I don't feel anything?" Lenny asked. "And you do?"
Margot again didn't respond and removed her hand from his grip.
"What do you think you're the only victim here?" Lenny asked.
"Victim? Len, this is your problem. You won't understand-" Margot said.
"-because I'm not a mother. You're the only one who lost a child. I was nothing to her. It's all about you and your-" Lenny told her.
"I never said it's all about me. Look at you-you've moved on like nothing happened." Margot commented.
"Because someone has to." He said.
"Right. Then move on, don't force it on me." She replied.
"I'm not forcing anything. Look Maggie, you can't stick to it." He told her.
"I can't let her go. I once did and look what happened." She cried.
"What? You couldn't carry her in your womb forever." He commented.
"But what happened was my fault." She said.
"It was no one's fault." He said. "Honey, look what you've done to yourself."
"And look what I did to her." She replied.
"And torturing yourself would bring her back? You need to move on. Stop blaming yourself." He said.
"I'm not blaming. I know it's my fault. I'm not a good mother." she cried.
"Maggie, for god sake it was an accident." he replied."You did nothing."
"If you were me, you would never forgive yourself." She told him.
"Maybe I wouldn't but I would at least try." Lenny said. "By helping others."
"I can't do it Len. I can't stop picturing it. Her innocent smile while she laid peacefully on her bed. Still. Like a doll." Margot cried.
"I do too but then I see outside. I see her everywhere. In the girl who goes to ballet classes with her dad at sharp 4 p.m. and in the girl who always lost in the book and in the girl who lost her way home and rang our doorbell by mistake." Lenny explained.