Deep Desires

My vision is blurred by a black abyss. My mind is clouded and my thoughts are scrambled. Yet I am well aware of my priorities. Yet I am alive and breathing fine. I am loved and cared for deeply. Yet my mistakes weigh me down. I want to scream and yell. But my voice is choked and my breath is faltering. In desperate times, I’ve made terrible decisions. I’ve made terrible decisions even now and I want nothing more than to break all bonds and start over. Become heartless and just break all the people. I’ve deserved so much better and when I did find someone better… I betrayed. Out of desperation I betrayed the only person who believed in me. And I am ashamed of it. I have this guilt slowly eating me away and it will continue to do so until no part of me can bear it any longer. How selfishly I wish that things break apart on their own so that I don’t have to ever tell them how I am responsible for their image. I am not a good person. They say the ones with innocent faces bear the most cruel hearts worthy of crushing you. I belong with them. Somewhere along the way I was altered and broken. But unlike a phoenix, I was born a devil. Even today, with everyone around, I seek solace in solitude. That’s what’s best for me.

As I stand today on this high ledge, absorbed in all my sins, I let out a sigh. Down below the water crashes onto the pile of rocks and the smell of the sea fills my lungs. Yet somewhere I smell the betray and torture I’ve done to myself. Clad in a black hoodie, I pull up the sleeves of my hands and carefully examine the scars. Deep soulful scars in an attempt to free the soul trapped in this body. I stare down at the deep ocean, wondering if today I’ll finally be set free. Let this be it. The beginning of the end. One last breath of my sins and mistakes and now I’m falling. I’ve let go of my mind and body, to be taken over by the silence that hangs in my brain. Trying to make out how painful it might be. But in the end, pain made me feel alive. For one last time, I will experience what it’s like to be alive and it’ll all fade into black. It’ll all be over. My head crashes into the water. A searing pain shoots across my spine. I do not move. This is what I had been preparing for. To perform this selfish act and run away from a blessing which is considered life.

They say only the cowards give up. Has anyone ever thought how long they were strong before they became the coward everyone speaks of? They all see the beautiful big picture. Has anyone ever thought how broken I felt behind that falling laugh? How much did I joke about the problems in my life? How much I wished that someone would embrace me when all I showed was that I didn’t care? Slowly as I sink deeper, my lungs beg for air and I resist the urge to fight and push myself to the surface. My mind fights the urge while my body fights the lack of air. Again I feel the desperation. The desperation to escape; the desperation to fight. But I lay as all my mistakes flash before my eyes. Every last bit of air escapes and now, this desperation makes me make another mistake. I breathe. Not air and the sea salt water. My body shivers due to the fear and my mind handles a tussle between me and my conscience. But from the surface I’m just sinking deeper into the dark ocean. Finally I can feel it. My body goes numb and my head feels dizzy. A black cloud surrounds and slowly my vision fades. Just how I wanted. At the end, it all goes black. No light. No sound. Just silence and pain. Grief and emotional turmoil. Until again, I feel numb. And everything is black.