Death And Daffodils

 As a child, it is extremely hard to grasp the concept of death. Everyone tries their best to conceal its reality from you by either leaving some things unsaid or assuring you that the person has gone to a place that we would call ‘utopia’. I went through the same thing. Seven years ago, grandma passed away from a heart attack.  I was only six at that time. A flash from the past that resides at the back of my mind where the pictures are too unclear, but the emotions still persist.

 

“My love, I will always be there for you, all you have to do is ask or give me a call”, is what she had said to me the day I had come home crying because a girl pulled my hair. She lightly brushed my hair and assured me. The light scent of jasmine filled the air, providing me with instant comfort. The very next day she passed away in her sleep. In retrospect, I think she always knew she was going to go. It took me a while to comprehend that she wouldn’t be there for me anymore, I was quite young after all. 

 

Two days later, I really understood that something was terribly wrong. “I can’t believe she is dead, Meena”, my dad said to my mom. I looked at him blankly while fiddling with my fingers, hoping he doesn’t notice me overhearing his conversation. He looked at me suddenly, his face hinting at one dried tear. His swollen eyes had a sense of emptiness to them, but they immediately softened when he noticed my presence. “Dead?”, I whispered, “What does that mean?”

 

“Oh darling, grandma has left and gone to a faraway place,” he said with an apologetic smile. The pain behind it was evident. He put his hand on my shoulder as I stared at the tiles below my feet, the thought of her running away because of me made my eyes water. “But she said she would always be there, and I could give her a call anytime,” I whispered. “I think you can call her”. Try and call her when you feel like talking to her,” he affirmed. Now that I look back at this moment, I wonder if I was in the place of my dad would I have said the same thing?

 

Sometimes, there are things that you continue to believe despite how ridiculous they sound after a point.  Every single year since that day, I called grandma, but no one picked up…obviously! “Oh honey, she can’t hear properly, you know her, she will reply at the right time,” that’s what my family said. I knew that this was pointless, increasing maturity makes accepting reality much easier but it was as if there was a part of me that hoped that somehow, I will hear her delicate yet warm voice once again.

 

Grandma and my girlfriend Lena have something in common. They left rather abruptly but Lena chose a more difficult way to go. It is an extremely heartbreaking memory. The day was quite average, one of those where you would wake up and know nothing eventful would happen. You would go to work, come back home in the usual crowded public bus and relish a glass of wine before welcoming the next day. I had left work early, wanting to surprise Lena with a fresh bouquet of flowers. She had always loved daffodils. 

 

I opened the main door with the keys. The familiar scent of clean sheets overwhelmed my senses as I started to feel the strange stillness. “Lena…Lena”, I called multiple times, becoming louder with every silent response. Entering the bedroom, I saw her lying on the bed. Her eyes were closed gracefully with her usually bright skin looking noticeably pale. The bedside table had strewn pills with a bottle half-open while a tiny piece of carefully folded paper rested next to it. I prayed to God that she was just sleeping but I knew she wasn’t. She was gone.

 

“I’m sorry”, that is all the paper said but it was enough to leave my mind completely blank. I had just lost one of the most precious people in my life, but I had lost all ability to react. I gazed at the daffodils, remembering the times those flowers brought a beautiful smile to her face. I was alone now. 

 

Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I looked at the screen to see who was calling and on the least expected day, her call came.