Dear diary [Friend (Day 1)]

"You were wrong to go there all alone. We were worried about you, Hailey!" Shouted Megan -a beautiful slender woman with emerald eyes, coffee brown hair, and thin eyebrows- from the ascending wooden staircase of her newly decorated compartment of the bungalow, situated somewhere in the most barren and isolated land of Paris. She ascended with fury towards me as I rolled my eyes, sitting at the very edge of the dining table. "She is right, anything could have happened to you." Jason agreed without looking at my face filled with irritation, as he applied butter to his toast. I saw Marie and Evangeline nodding with fear and concern in their eyes. "Common guys! It was just a party at the bar nearby!" I screamed losing all the control over my anger. "Yeah if only 10 kilometers on foot was called 'nearby'!" exclaimed Marie with fright. "Stop controlling my life, will you? My parents are enough for the part." I howled.

"Hailey, we want you to understand this........" Megan asserted softly and I knew that a long lecture was comin my way.

"We aren't controlling your life, we just care for you. You were drunk at 4 in the morning and you are not even that old to be drinking."

"We are 16! Like seriously? Can't we even drink a little? We are old enough to take care of out actions, aren't we?" I yelled, interrupting her.

Everyone sighed with a sense of defeat and I was still furious with the way they had been treating me.

"Hear me out will, you?" Megan rested her words. I saw no other way to escape this so I just nodded thinking it would be the best way to survive, she continued, "We are here on a vacation and we will probably leave in a day or two. The people here aren't trustworthy and for the same reason we made the rule of staying glued to each other no matter what. We would have been horrorstruck if we would have lost you in the meanwhile. We are friends and friends look out for each other." she continued as she pointed at my necklace which spelled "F-O-R-E-V-E-R", that described my friendship with everyone present on the dining table. I don't know what I was thinking but I thought that I was doing the right thing. "I don't care. I am out, I will be leaving tonight. You can enjoy the stupid campfire." I cried.

"But how will we know if you are okay then?" asked Evangeline as she got up from the table and marched slowly towards me. I dodged her way and said in the coldest tone- "You wouldn't have to know anything cause we are done for good." I snatched away the necklace from around my neck and threw it in front of them. "Thank you for not trusting me again." I spoke out my last words and dashed away with rage. I heard footsteps following me and then Jason's voice. "Evangeline, leave her alone. She will understand." 

It was the worst day of my life. All I could think about was death. With nothing to do alone at my home, I decided to complete my homework for the vacation which was supposed to end in 10 weeks. I opened my wardrobe and "thud!' "Ouch!" I wailed. Something hurt my feet quite well.

As I looked down, I found a pretty book with a shinning blue cover and bright white and empty pages. That's when I recalled my 13th birthday when my dad gifted me a diary after I finished reading 'Anne Frank' and requested for a diary for myself to write in but everything in life was going so well that I didn't actually think of writing it in a diary because that is what I thought diaries were for "writing down what your sorrows and problems are so that it can keep you calm."

I opened the first page of the very old and unused diary and started writing about whatever happened with me on the vacation. As I started writing, I started recalling every single moment of that day and tears pricked my eyes from nowhere but this time, the tears did not join the ocean of my gloom but actually reduced my pain. I scribbled every thought on it without thinking for a second. That day, I did suffer, but something unknown made me happy. It felt as if I was finally free, my heart was lighter than before.

I heard my phone ringing. It was Marie. I thought it would be okay to ignore her for a while and then I actually felt good about everything after a very long time.

"Dear Diary,

School will be starting in a few weeks, but I don't feel like meeting with anyone at school. It'd be so good if the schools never open and I could be here with you forever........."

For some days, I isolated myself from everyone. It was just me and my little friend Pearl, my diary. Yes, I gave it a pretty name as if it was my other half, literally a part of my soul. It pleased me that even if not real, I had someone to talk to who would never judge me, never hurt me, never betray me, never ever disagree with me and would never control my actions.

 Days passed and then weeks, I had written too much in my diary already. Sometimes I would even re-read what I had written in it and I thought I would never be bored or unhappy for I had a friend finally. My parents were worried for me without any reason.

"Hailey! Come and have your dinner. You have been upstairs all day writing. You have got a life beyond that silly book of yours!" My mother would exclaim with rage. And all I had to say was, "Bring it into my room mom. And this book isn't silly. Its basically a part of my little life now and better than any of my friends!" for which I would always receive a rude answer, "There is more to life, you need interact with living beings too!!" but I always used to ignore the last statement because I was determined to live a life I create for myself rather than follow some stupid rules of friendship.  

"Dear Pearl,

Today was the best day. Mom and dad were out for their work and I was all alone at home with no one to tell me what to do. I even switched off my mobile phone so that my so called friends wouldn't call and disturb me.........."

But little did I know that my past I remembered, would bring me scars created by none but me. I soon reached the very end of the last page of my diary and saw a note. I was confused at first but then I finally opened the paper delicately with a quizzical look on my face.

"I know you were excited to get yourself a diary in which you would write whatever you would feel. But here is one piece of advice- don't get attached to things that tend to stay forever and have no idea about living a life. I hope you have used your time wisely. If you think you have achieved great success after finishing this book which is actually lifeless, then you really need to think of a good answer to this question- 'What did you get in return?'

Love,

Dad."

The words written on that piece of paper swished across my brain and swiped me into reality. I didn't really have any answer for the question. At that time, if I had read my diary all over again, I could totally say that I had done a big mistake, I had totally changed. I had started ignoring my own life just because I started writing everything I longed for in the diary rather than working hard to possess it.

 The one main difference between a living and non living friend is that one gives you suggestions, corrects you and guides you while other just listens to you and agrees with you whether you are right or wrong. I totally was living in the world of fantasy where there was no answers for all my desires, doubts and problems. I started overthinking for the silliest thing and thought my friends were controlling my life when they were actually trying to correct me.

'Dear diary' changed to 'dear pearl', a little life changed to dead soul with dumped thirst, completed books were now all empty and rotten, 'I love my life' changed to 'I don't wanna live anymore', the happy, free me changed to a mean introvert me, and my life turned upside down. I didn't think about what I was doing. 

The next day, I went to school, and for the first time I was thinking straight, focusing on everyone rather on my wishes I fed to a lifeless thing which just made me a person I never wanted to be.

The worried faces of my friends for me, the hurting flashbacks, when I ignored them while I was busy with pearl, a lifeless soul, the teachers looking at me with hatred, it all just tore my heart to pieces. I did take a decision but the wrong one. I had lost my friends, I had lost my dreams, I had lost my life, there was no meaning to life. I just took the big step and decided to give up my life. I left from school in the middle and made my way to my apartment. I pressed the button of the lift to the third floor where I kept my belongings, took out my diary, and went upstairs to finally end everything. My flesh oozed out with a splash of the blade which was almost rusted with the moisture of hate and regret. I heard a voice behind me, "Hailey!" It was Megan, but it was too late.

"Call the ambulance!" She shouted. She came towards me "What have you done to yourself? what were you even thinking? Why would you do this?" Ofcourse she had so many questions. "Friend." I whispered as she looked at me with teary eyes. "I failed at choosing a friend." I closed my eyes. Maybe that was the day I realized that friend meant only one thing and a lot of things at the same time. That day I got the core realization of failing to be a friend. I was being so selfish. Now, not a day goes by when I don't regret my choices as I lay on the bed of my end.