Day 5

Dear Diary,

Back when I was in college away from my home it seems like a fairyland to me... with my prince. All this is nice, I love my parents, my sister, my family, we are bonding, talking, laughing but the uncertainty is eating me from inside. What will dad say after knowing about everything?

I was like a free bird, I would go out for tea at 9pm, sleep till 8pm, be awake till midnight. I would go on strolls with my friends anytime of the day, hostel had curfew but who cared about it... It feels like submitting assignment was more bearable than home quarantine! And you know what's more painful? This was my place of comfort, this was my home where i would relax and charge myself for social interaction. And now I feel like a stranger I don't see myself fitting in the crowd. I feel like bunny trapped in a cage of morality and ethics, back in college I was the notorious and funny person, I miss that side of me.

And you know what's more scary, this maybe how it's going to be in future. Because parents said no to search for a job outside my hometown, Mom made it very clear she doesn't want me to leave house. You know before joining my Master's course I felt like a 40 year old lady who had to take of her house had to do something for her family and is not allowed to have fun. Living away from home and meeting Pratik made me realize everyone has problems but the solution is not drown yourself in it, rather be positive and look at the environment with a different perspective, with a positive lens. Every time I hear myself loathing I tell myself to not to give up and completing Masters in Psychology helps you gain third perspective, which helps me understand why the other person took such a step. At times it is great to understand the situation and be calm rather than taking a hasty step... but it is at times hazardous to your mental health, at least it was for me.

All my bottled up energy blasted yesterday, I couldn't control and cried a lot on call. I had called him after a long time, everyone was enjoying the afternoon siesta when I heard his voice on call which felt like nectar to my ears... I think I sobbed for almost 10 minutes!

The guilt of feeling uncomfortable in the area which was my world has taken a great toll on me...

Hope you are with me to listen to all my ramblings, diary...

Yours,

Buddy