Beyond Repair

It all started with a simple game of truth and dare at my friend’s birthday party celebration. I did not realise that it’s risky to play the game when you are in a relationship as you don’t know the crazy dare they will make you do. It was my turn and I used up the truth too many times, hence my friends wanted me to play dare and what I got was to kiss a female friend. Since I was committed they gave me leeway to kiss on the cheeks. I selected a female friend who is close to me. I chose that friend because she knows that I am in a relationship and to send a message that I don’t mean the kiss. The boys started to cheer and I became nervous. My lips are about to touch another female after four years of relationship. I went in for a quick kiss on the cheek but the girl quickly turned her head and it became a kiss on the lips. My body froze for a second. I quickly moved back while my stupid friends cheered. 

In a relationship we need to be honest, most of the time. There will be scenarios where honesty will only lead to a fight. I and Payal would always share every detail in our lives no matter how small or trivial it is. Though she would scold me, it would not be the end of the world if I shared with her about the kiss scene. However, I deliberately left it out as I thought she might get sad on the inside. The following day was special for me because for the first time Payal asked me out on a date. I am the planner out of the two and I was taken aback when she did the planning for once. She made preparations two months ahead and made all the arrangements which in itself was a surprise to me. 

My mind wandered as I stood in front of my cupboard.

“Black shirt?

No… this yellow t-shirt?

Maybe… What about this ash grey hoodie?

Perhaps...How about this brown V-neck?”

She had complimented me in all of these. So I don’t know which one to wear. I let out a huge grunt as I could not decide on what to wear. It took me twenty minutes to decide on a t-shirt. I was getting ready for my anniversary date for the evening. It was a super-romantic destination. The place of the date was a sea-view restaurant located sixty kilometres away from my place. She wanted to go to that specific restaurant because it holds one of our precious memories. It was in that restaurant I proposed Payal.

I reached the place and to my surprise, she booked for me a private candlelight dinner table away from the public restaurant which was much nearer to the sea. The cold sea breeze, her twinkling eyes, enticing food, pleasant sound of water gushing against the rocks, the night was priceless and one of the best places I have ever been to. As I predicted during the meal she got up, pulled her chair towards me and showed me a small box containing a wedding ring. 

“My dear, you are the best thing to happen to me. No one can show me love and affection as you do. You care for me like a mother, make me feel safe like a father, teach me things like a sister, protect me like a brother and spoil me like a grandparent. You’re the complete package and I would like to spend the rest of my life resting on your shoulders. Pughal, will you marry me?”

“You have always been my backbone, Payal. You go to tremendous heights to make me happy. I should have done virtue in my last life to get a girl like you. Unfortunately, I do not deserve the love you shower upon me Payal. Though it was not intentional, I was intimate with a girl and I cheated on you. I would also like to break with you as I feel you deserve a better guy than a cheater like me”.

I was very nervous about sharing this with Payal. I knew she would go all out to propose for marriage which I am very happy about but I also feel guilty, not about the kiss from the birthday party which happened last week but from the kiss from the previous night. 

I went out for a drink the previous night at a local pub and randomly bumped into the girl from the birthday party on the dance floor. I was super drunk and did not recognise her. After a few drinks with her, she started to touch my abdomen and butt after which she pulled me close. Since it was a dance I did not react to it. She then proceeded to tease me by coming close to my face and blew hot breath into my ears. She began to gently bite my ear which aroused me. By the time I could react and push her away she kissed me hard on the lips and with no thought, I reciprocated back. She took me to the washroom when I realised what happened. I quickly apologised to her and stormed out of the club after feeling embarrassed. I am aware what I did was wrong and unforgivable. Hence, I asked Payal for a breakup. I explained to Payal about last night after which she started to cry. I took her near to the beach and started to console her but she was in no mood to listen to me. 

“Payal, darling, please. I am so sorry”.

“I don’t understand. Why is break up a solution for this?”

“Because It’s not fair to you Payal. I feel ashamed and undeserving to have you”.

“No, no, no, no no! Pughal look breakup was never an option for us before and it’s not an option now”.

“You will get a better guy than me”.

“Shut the f*** up! How dare you? Did I ask you for suggestions on a new boyfriend?”

“No Payal what I meant was…”

“I don’t want to hear anything from you. What’s the issue here? You kissed someone that’s all, right? You did not do it on purpose and the girl made the move on you right? Humans have sexual tendencies at random times and those are automatic and involuntarily. The world is not going to stop because you kissed someone. It’s just a kiss and kissing some bitch won’t make you hers. You are mine and only mine. What if you kissed her after marriage? Would you ask for a divorce then? What if you kissed her after a child is born? Would you abandon me and the child?

“No… Never”.

“Then why the hell are you asking for a breakup now? Why is love so trivial to people? For the same issue if I am married to you or have kids you won’t break up but when it is love you want a breakup? How insensitive are you? Does love mean anything to you? Why are people taking love for granted? What is it with giving leeway for problems after marriage but the same problem occurs during love people break up? Are people that cruel? Doesn’t anybody see my view here? What....”

“Payal please calm down”.

“Don’t ask me to calm down after you have done stupid things, you moron. I am the one who should ask for a breakup. Why are you asking Pughal? If kissing other people guarantees a breakup then why are people even communicating? Let people send pictures of kiss to each other to establish a breakup”.

I hugged Payal as I did not know how to console her. She was in tears and cursed at me. She pushed me to the ground and started to punch and pinch my arm. 

She calmed down after a bit and stood up.

“Alright. Do you want to know the truth about me? I was not a virgin when I met you. Now say, would you break up with me over that?”

“What? But said you did not...”

“I lied to you Pughal, because to people like you everything is just lust. Lust and hormones decide whether you want to be with a person or not. You do not care about love because your life choices are lust-based”.

“Enough of creating drama Payal. I would still be with you even if you were not a virgin. It did not matter to me as I loved you for who you are and not your past”.

“Okay, chill. Since our relationship is already wrecked, let’s play a game called ‘Who wrecked it more’”.

“Payal please I beg you not to create a scene. People are watching”.

Payal sat down on the sand and dragged me down to avoid people. She lowered her voice when she spoke. 

“I am not creating a scene. You are the one who is being a bitch Pughal”.

“I don’t want you to have me in your heart anymore Payal because I have betrayed you”.

“That is a decision for me to take. Why are you taking it for me?”

“What are you telling Payal? Are you telling me I should not be self-conscious about my actions or feel embarrassed? I am also a human and I tremendously feel guilty about the incident.

“Pughal you feel whatever you want but please don’t take decisions alone. We are in this relationship together and we need to work out however hard the hurdles are”.

“Fine. I won’t make decisions alone anymore. I am sorry. Let’s talk about the kiss and come to a mutual decision”.

“Okay”, said Payal as she became silent. She started to stir up more things from the past which pissed me off.

“No. We need to discuss another issue now that you brought things up”.

“My heart weakened when I heard it. I had a hunch of what she was about to say”.

“One day when I was out with a friend watching a movie at a cinema hall he made a move on me”.

“What do you mean he made a move?”, I asked her with a stern voice.

“He touched me, inappropriately”.

“What? And?”

“I did not understand what happened as everything was quick. I was on my periods and I was already kind-of horny from the previous night. He touched my thigh and slid his hand downwards while he quickly went in for a kiss before I could react. 

“What the hell are you saying?”

“Yes. He was a good friend and I knew him for years. Until that point he showed no hints on the way he saw me nor touched me inappropriately”.

“What did you do after that?”

“I resisted when he touched my thigh but when his hands went down I felt weak on my knees and he took that opportunity to suddenly kiss me”.

“How long did he kiss you for?”

“Maybe a minute”.

“A minute? What were you doing till that time? Enjoying the kiss?”

“What? Of course not Pughal. By the time his hand was in my area, I became weak and I struggled to pull back my head but he resisted and pulled me back in. I left the cinema hall immediately and blocked his number after that”.

“So what? Since you blocked his number am I supposed to pretend everything is fine?”, I said as I started to walk away. 

“Pughal! Pughal! Pughal! Pughal! What is wrong with you? You also did the same thing and I was patient enough to hear it. Why are you mad now?”

“Oh so I kissed a girl and in return, a boy felt you real good while you enjoyed it. Is that supposed to be even now?”

“Mind your language Pughal. I did not enjoy anything. Since I was on my periods I was already tired. Try to understand. I am not telling it becomes even.…”, I interrupted her in between and said I did not have any patience to listen to her bullshit lusty dramas as I continued to walk away. Though I instantly regretted the way I treated her, I believed the damage between us is beyond repair. I could not feel love for her anymore because she kept the truth away from me. I was blind with so much rage on that day forgetting the fact that I also kept the birthday party kiss from her. 

What I felt unfair that day is what I call today as life. We did not speak for a long time. I was mad at her for concealing the truth and she was mad at my poor behaviour. Stubbornness inside us won for some time but both of us knew we needed each other to do the basic things in life. Even during each of our kisses, we thought about our better half though the kiss was with someone else. This proved that when it comes to lust, our mind and body open only for each other. However, these things were only there in our mind. We never spoke about our true feelings openly on how we felt though we text each other every day 24x7 as friends.

Today, we agreed to meet for a coffee and we are going to meet after a year. I believe that there is no damage in love that is beyond repair and all past wounds will heal at a faster pace when the right person is with you. I have a wedding ring inside my pocket and I hope she says yes.