The Flesh of past

I wish I didn't have to lick love from a knife as a child,
But looking back at it all, with vexation, I smile.
If only I had your love, like I wanted,
I wouldn't go to the room and sit while my thoughts haunted.
You neglected my very being,
You left me lost, yet now I'm seeing.
But with them, you share a world I'll never know,
While I watch from below.
You hold them close with love so true,
While you left me tormented and had no clue.
You love them dearly, yet hold me barely.
My childhood was fleeting — I recall it scarcely.
I became the type of kid who always thinks the sky is falling;
I brace for pain, yet it keeps pouring.
Like a distant ghost, I watch, I feel —
A love that was never mine, I watched it flee.

I'm trapped in a world that I can't comprehend,
Drifting through days that all blur to an end.
I reach for the words, but they slip through my hand —
Like time or meaning, just dust in the sand.
I speak to the void, but it won't talk back.
Now the trauma seems poetic and stacked.
I'm lost in the void — it's utterly black.

I've made a tightrope out of my thoughts,
I strangle myself with them, tied in knots.
Because I'm covered in the labyrinth of my sorrow,
Drowning in pain with no hope to borrow.
So it will end the way it is —
But I was also a child and still carried so much pain.
I want to quit, but it'll leave my afterlife stained —
Nothing here nor there to gain.

So you tell me, readers, do you see hope in my eyes?
When alone, I remember hope, and I wail.