The Blood On My Hand

I am 28 today deserted

With a sheepish grin.

I don't remember if I ever smiled

This last year after that sin.

Rewind to the past

I was 18 then,

Shy and nervous in public

Coy and vivacious in loneliness

I don't know where I lost him

Or maybe he never was me.

He was kinder than

I am today or ever will be

He used to breathe like life begged us to.

In love with peace like a new born

He found happiness just standing

On the shore, maybe

He was human after all.

Human in real.

Like I never can be now

I lost him before my big day.

That fateful moment

Before I was selected.

He walked away from me in guilt

Why? Because he thought

He didn't deserve to stay with me.

Because he thought

It wasn't safe to stay with me.

How could he leave me alone?

The inner me loved him more.

I swear I loved him more.

He was a traitor he left me.

Why?

Just because I was

Selfish that day in greed

Just because I was

Cruel in need

That last day of results

I met a boy, my age

I met him last before my deed.

He was better in every way

I had learnt to be.

He jumped higher,

Ran faster and even

Swam like a fish.

He only lacked deceptive rage.

That the me I currently know

Skills in but the old kind was scared off

I sinned, I probably never

Should have had, but I did.

When no one saw,

I pushed the boy off the cliff

What left the valley, was his noise.

What struck my ear, was his voice.

I sleep each night with pills in my throat.

In a hope to sleep.

Begging to let me elope

How do I forget him?

I do not even know.

How do I forgive myself?

I don't even want to know.

I am the assistant commissioner of police.

The youngest, the brightest,

The boldest of my batch.

But only god knows

All this is an evil hack.

I have blood on my hand

That doesn't agree to fade.

I survive in remorse,

Begging an early evade

That day on the valley,

He died but I didn't live any longer.

Or maybe

I died in regret but his cries lived longer.