Journey

This is the note 

Word for word 

And I know it's word for word

 because I wrote it several times

 reading it, re reading it 

 I'd write it, delete it, write it, edit it, 

 and delete it again

But why was I writing it to begin with? 

I asked myself that question every time

 Why was I writing this note?

  It was a lie. I hadn't been thinking about it. Not really. Not in detail. 

  The thought would come into my head and I'd push it away.

But I pushed it away a lot

 the fear lived deep for a couple 

its coming back in different forms

 the nausea, the disillusionment 

the insecurity, the silence, the loathing

        its madness , its obsession 

     and the strength is fading ..