Expectations

Different Kinds of Expectations

Lingering thoughts that we pursue and contemplate on becoming the building

blocks of our world. Cemented in attachment, we keep erecting the walls of

desires around us eventually finding ourselves completely trapped with no

escape doors. Expectations are not just what we have from others or what they

have from us. They are of three types in fact, and all three arise when we fail to

drop the thought that seeded it in the first place

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From Self

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The expectations we have from ourselves are at the root of our grief. We expect

ourselves to be disciplined, calm, together, always caring, and so on. But when

we procrastinate, get angry, indulge immorally, or act selfishly, somewhere we

feel guilty. Even if no one was hurt or harmed in the process, we still feel bad.

Primarily because we have certain expectations from ourselves and we failed to

fulfill them. The troubling thing is that not all these expectations are right. Most

of these have been handed down to us by our society, teachers, parents, peers,

religion, and so on.

Based on your education, samskara, upbringing, your social circle, and your

professional life – all of which play an important role in your conditioning – you

expect yourself to be a certain way before others. You have set for yourself

certain benchmarks and standards derived out of information passed onto you in

many forms; normally based on the religion you practice and the company you

keep in addition to other social and personal factors.

When these expectations, the ones you have from yourself, are not met, they

give birth to shame and guilt. You feel low and tormented. In a state of as much

denial as disbelief, you feel miserable and lost. You eternally stay buried under

these expectations, the majority of which is a big load of rubbish. With mindfulness

you can filter them, keeping the ones that strengthen your consciousness and

make you a more compassionate person.

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From Others

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Our second big load of expectations comes from our relationships with others. We

justify the expectations we have from others believing that we rightfully deserve

to be treated a certain way; whether it is in the form of reciprocation, love,

things, words, or gestures. Based on all that you have observed and absorbed, all

that you have been told and taught, and all that you feel you have done, you

desire a certain outcome, often favourable. Because you feel what you desire is

legitimate, just, and natural, you add to the burden of expectations. The beauty

and love in most relationships get crushed under the weight of expectations. If

the two partners in a relationship could lower the expectations they have from

each other, love in such a relationship will only flourish.

Expectations put pressure on the one you expect from, all the while increasing

your own burden of expectations. When these expectations are not fulfilled, they

give you grief and disappointment proportionate to the magnitude of your

expectations. Make a list of all the people you care about and what you

expect from them. When done, know that they expect just as much from you.

You relinquish yours and with your purified energy they will accept you the way

you are, gradually lowering their own expectations of you. That’s how nature

works.

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Others From You

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Anybody you know has some form of expectation from you. Even those, whom

you don’t know but are connected to you in some way, somehow expect you to

be a certain way. Your priest, government, fellow-citizens, strangers on the road

– they all expect you to be a certain way. If you accidentally bump into a

stranger, you are expected to apologize. You are expected to dress in a civilized

manner. These expectations are there so that society remains in order, but the

world doesn’t take it too kindly if you break them.

You are under constant pressure from peers, bosses, friends, and family. You

have laid your burden on them and they have laid their burden on you. Whether

or not you fulfill their expectations, just being aware of the fact that they expect

from you is generally sufficient to stress out most people. Expectations disturb

the tranquility. I am not saying they are good or bad, or that you should let go of

them. I’m simply bringing to the fore the impact expectations have on people’s

lives. From the perspective of a meditator, an expectation is merely a desire we

are holding onto. Our ego thinks we must see through this lingering thought.

When ego clings to a desire, it transforms into an expectation.

When we are unable to let go of our thoughts, some of them become emotions,

and then we attach emotions to our desires and expectations. This is where a

thought is transformed into a potent force nudging us to take action. Emotions

are the giant killer waves that knock the surfer off his surfboard. They influence

the nature of and intention behind our actions. And action, I may add, is the final

stage of thought, for the life of thought ends where the action starts.