I sat next to the window, sipping morning tea and holding newspaper. But my mind was somewhere else. I kept staring at the newspaper but was unable to read. You must be thinking why I was so restless, what was invading my thoughts and what had kept me awake all night? Mine husband was ready to leave for work and bent down to give me a peck on my cheeks (a daily ritual) but I didn’t respond. I was as cold as ice. He left without much thought and here I was engulfed in my own chain of thoughts. I had few questions for myself – Where is my life heading, is this what I always desired, Am I happy, what is the purpose of my life?
I got ready and did all house hold chores and reached office but unable to concentrate. I scrolled my WhatsApp messages and stopped at my husband. All the messages to him had been from my side in the last few months with his two words or no reply. I thought to myself, “How vulnerable have I become, why my whole existence revolves around him, why I expect him to keep me happy. I am self-sufficient.” But aren’t life partners made for exactly that reason. I still want to give him the benefit of doubt and accept his lack of interest. My mind was not into work and I just picked up my bag and left for a cup of coffee. I got down my Scooty and sat in Ram Mandir , a place where I can cry my heart out. Stream of thoughts ran.
I remembered how it has been many years since I married him. I blossomed in his company, his love was mine strength, my smile was all that mattered to him. But how come things changed. Here I was sitting in complete isolation. The joy to rush home after work had died its natural death and it became more of a chore. I got addicted to medicines which allow me to sleep more. I am a Government Employee and he a banker. We had an arranged marriage. We tied the wedding knot and started our blissful journey. While things were all rosy for the initial few years, gradually we had a lot of problems and our relationship was at a stage of separation. But destiny have something destined for us and we are together. One thing in our relationship had remained constant though. He never forgot to plant a kiss on my cheeks before he left for work. But for me it didn’t feel the same as before. I felt emptiness all around. I had desired from marriage was companionship of him that I treasured so much. No lavish house, no dreamy vacation. I would check his phone but would never find anything worth doubting his intentions. I returned home thinking that I would not talk to him nor would seek any answer; I started waiting for the doorbell to ring. He arrived and I was in my room. I got up and gave him a cold look and walked away. He talked with his parents, ate food, watched TV and then retired to bed. I was even more furious as I expected him to start a conversation. I kept sobbing in my room so that he can hear and finally it was too much to bear. I loved him way too much. I went up to him and hugged him. He responded with all his love and rolled his arms around me.
I asked, “Jaanu, You don’t love me anymore." He replied, “Yeah..right. I don’t love you any more, there are many girls in my office who appreciates me and I love them all.” I giggled with him and slapped him sobbing at the same time. He held me even tight and said, “You are such a kid. Life is not always rosy baby, the ups and downs are all part of this cycle. Work takes precedence at times and you expect your spouse to understand. Maybe I took you for granted. Who on earth could be more important than you.” I added, “All I want is You. Never leave me alone.” He promised me to communicate more and not let work take over our personal space. He reassured me with a beautiful kiss and this time, it felt all real.