You Love Me, Right?

"You love me, right?" - I stopped stirring my coffee the moment your question reached my ears. A shade of uncertainty was painted across your face, replacing the soft glow from the ray of the sinking sun that had fallen on your face through the opened window. Your eyes met mine, and I knew, you anticipated to find your answer in those brown orbs of mine. But, you could no longer find those unvoiced words that you had been awaiting for the past half an hour.

You held my gaze for a fraction of second, with something flashing across them - perhaps hesitation, or perhaps doubts. "Why would you ask that?" I retorted. You shrugged your shoulders nonchalantly, trying to dodge that slight croak in my tone. I looked down at the little heart that you had drawn on my coffee, pondering whether you did that with love, or only to make the mug of coffee a bit more fascinating.

The abrupt creak of the recliner brought my attention back to you. You got up from it and sat down beside me on the couch. You were inching towards me, while I couldn't stop staring at that little heart resting on my untouched coffee. Your shoulders brushed against mine, and I should feel it - the familiar jolt of shiver through me owing to the close proximity of us. But, I could no longer feel those joggles erupt through me that I had been expecting.

You reached out for my hands, and enclosed them into your cold ones. You started rubbing your thumb softly over my palms in soothing circles. I already knew the familiar sense of solace that I should feel, but I could no longer feel that tranquility that your hands would give to my nerves. You ran the side of your palm across my face, tucking the loosely dangling strands of hair behind my ears. You twirled one of them around your finger and I knew what would come next - the smile of yours. I knew, you would now meet my gaze and give me that one heart warming smile that would enliven those dormant butterflies dwelling in the pits of my belly. But, you never met my gaze.

Rather, I saw it - the way you averted your eyes and closing them for a while before exhaling a puff of sigh. "Why couldn't you look into my eyes? " - my mind besought, while my lips remained resolutely closed. You straightened your back, planting a gentle kiss on my forehead. I knew, what you were doing. This was your sole method of conveying your love to me. I felt your lips lingering for a while, and I should be feeling the warmth of your love seeping into me any moment from now. But, I could no longer bask in that love of yours. I could no longer feel your love being conveyed to me through that kiss of yours.

"Of course, I love you. I have always loved you.. " I mumbled while you leaned your forehead onto mine. But, how could you not advert to the incertitude that had laced my voice while I answered your question. How could you not let your mind wonder whether I love you, or was it my way to convince myself that I still loved you. "I have always loved you." I reiterated, this time almost whispering to myself. The words rang in my head, reverberating throughout me in the form of waves - perpetually colliding and crashing onto me, leaving me incapacitated to breathe under the weight of the dreamy lies and fantasies that we had once woven together.

I rested my head on your shoulder while you interlaced our hands into one. You knew I always loved you, but not anymore. Not anymore, after I saw you with her. Not anymore, after I saw you holding her hands the way you once used to hold mine. Not anymore, after I saw you taking her into your arms the way you used to once take me. Not anymore, after I saw you running your fingers through her hair the way you used to run them through mine. Not anymore, after I saw you stooping down a bit to place a tender kiss on her forehead the way you used to place on mine. Not anymore, after I saw you loving her the way you used to once love me. But, I've always loved you.

A heavy sigh- perhaps filled with regrets and rues, escaped from your mouth. "I need to tell you someth-" you started saying, but I never gave you the chance to let those harsh words of truth cut through my heart, leaving an imperishable vestige of heartbreak. I never gave you the chance to let those words of your infidelity taint the blissful memories of love that we had once created together.

I got up from the couch, letting your hand unravel from mine. You met my gaze this time, but I couldn't afford to look into those eyes of yours that reflected nothing but guilt and remorse. A faint smile played on my lips as I propped on my heels to enclasp my arms around you. And you already knew what I was doing - this was my sole way to bid you goodbye, without taking any bitter and agonized remembrance of perfidy along with me.

"I have always loved you, but not anymore.. " I whispered, before untangling myself from your embrace and walking away from the person whom I had known as my home for the past three years.