Was He Ramakrishna...?

Those days were the days of profound anguish and endless afflictions. Going from one office to another holding a bunch of certificates and mark-sheets in a shabby file. Job-hunting is the most excruciating task in this world. I had to go through this most abominable critical phase of an educated unemployed young man's life in this country.

Motivational speakers tell you everything is possible if you have an indefatigable will to dare and do the impossible.This is not the whole truth. This is strictly my own personal opinion. One must suffer or succeed in life according to one's karma in one's past births. So I had to experience a lot of pain and misery during my youth and manhood. Later, life took an unexpectedly pleasant and enjoyable turn.

One day my mother served me lunch and was watching me carefully lest I should leave my food and go away with tears in my eyes. That day too I got up and left home. However, I returned very soon that day. When human beings were repudiating and disowning me, I thought God might come to my rescue. A devotee of Lord Shiva, I decided to have a vision of Him. Wearing a piece of clean cloth and seated on a mat,I started chanting, "Om Namah Shivaya." I was doing this with an enormous will and unwavering resolve. Nobody knew even the least about it. The chanting would continue from ten o'clock in the morning to eight in the evening. After a week, I had chanted the mantra two lakh times! I used to say: "My Lord..! Won't You send me an indication ?" Hardly had I uttered these words, I heard the loud beats of Lord Shiva's damru..! My joy was unbounded and I was left speechless...! The real tragedy had yet to strike.

I told my mother and brother what had happened. They simply ignored me.They thought I was talking rubbish. When I was crying tears of deep devotion, I could see three dark naked figures, their teeth flashing white and big gold earrings hanging from their ears.Their hair was frizzy and hugely puffy like that of Sathya Sai Baba's. The first one glared at me with his bulging out eyes and ordered: "Come..!I have come to take you... Come..!" I screamed so hard that people came outdoors to see what had happened. I was trembling violently.

My mother was puzzled and so too my younger brother. The people around me said they were mere hallucinations. I said to my mother, "I wanted a vision of Lord Shiva. But I see Mother Kali instead...Why..?"

She said to me, "Shiva and Shakti are One. So Kali appears to you even if you don't invite Her(my eyes collect tears as I say this)." I was desperate to see the Lord. After I had wept a lot, I saw the dazzling beautiful form of my dearest deity. Then his form was replaced by a huge phallus of the Lord in the midst of blood red hibiscus flowers..!" I was so stupid then that I wondered how come Shiva was decked with hibiscus flowers. When I put the question to my mother, she was amazed. "You don't know Lord Shiva loves those flowers...? Are you a Brahmin boy...?" I was embarrassed but kept quiet. Side by side, I was going through the most horrible suffering. Nightmares became a common experience with me. I would scream and shout in my room many times a day.

My mother was very much anxious and apprehensive about my strange behaviour. She, a life-long devotee of the Divine Mother, prayed day and night to figure out what was happening with me. One night, she dreamed my uncle and aunt telling her nothing was the matter and there was no cause for any anxiety. In the dream, my uncle was holding a trident. So she got sure Lord Shiva and his divine consort Mother Kali had assured her of my safety.

I never wanted Mother Kali to visit me again and again. I yearned for a vision of Lord Shiva. But after I had prayed a lot, instead of Lord Shiva, Ramakrishna appeared to me. I was bewildered. I had never invited him. Yet, I enjoyed his company. The only problem was he never allowed me to sleep. Whenever I fell asleep, he lost no time in making me awake. Wide awake even in the middle of the night... He told me to meditate, which I didn't know, nor did I like doing so. He would get angry and scold me. Again, he becomes friendly and talks to me affectionately. When I told people about all this, they poked fun at me. My younger brother took me to Balasore to my eldest sister's house. There someone suggested I should meet an old Bengali lady. We had a confidential conversation. She told me everything that I had experienced. My bewilderment was profound and immense. She predicted that I would marry and even have a child too....! This was beyond my imagination, because I was determined to leave home and live the life of an ascetic.The entire world appeared to be a big lie. She gave me some charmed water to drink and told me things were going to be normal.

Now my greatest torments were Mother Kali and Ramakrishna.The moment I fell asleep being tired, they immediately interrupted my sleep. I had begun to dislike Ramakrishna strongly. I would say to him indignantly: "What the hell he has got to do with me...?" But when he spoke I would be instantly charmed and listen to him reverently with tears in my eyes.Then I would declare: "O my good Lord..! I can do anything and everything for you..! Except you, nothing is real in this world." Then he would mock at my sentimental outpourings. He appeared to be a master of wit and humour. He once told me never to touch the feet of an old woman. On another occasion, I asked him about a sanyasi, whether he was noble or not ignoble. His answer was: "He is a sanyasi just like you lacking resolution, and instead of meditating loves to sleep just like you." I prayed to him to grant salvation to my late father and grandfather and another relation I loved. He promised me to do so. But when I told him about my late brother-in-law, he became serious and said, "He is so violent, so angry that I can hardly do anything to match your expectation..." I was astonished because my late brother-in-law who had died prematurely was a terribly cross-grained man. When I told him to help me observe brahmacharya, he said, "Don't worry I will fill your tank ... You have to wait..."

One morning, I told my brother-in-law how Ramakrishna was disturbing me day and night, never allowing me even a minute's sleep. All of them, my nephews and nieces burst into laughter. They thought I had gone totally mad. My sister began to sob. Next, we visited a doctor. When I narrated everything to him in great detail, he had a hearty laugh. He prescribed some coloured pills and assured my brother-in-law of my quick recovery and told me all my experiences were mere hallucinations. But I was not at all convinced.

Returning home, I had a heavy lunch of mutton and rice and then took two pills. After a short time, I felt unprecedentedly sleepy. I said to Ramakrishna who was now not at all visible: "Now get lost... Never visit me again...! You are a perfect devil... You have made me suffer immeasurably."

I breathed a sigh of relief and was going to sleep. I was rendered speechless to hear a tear-choked helpless voice letting out a stream of obscenities, slangs and the filthiest possible words...! I was stunned..."Is it Ramakrishna, the incarnation of Lord Shiva...who is abusing me in such dirty unutterable language swearing at my mother and sister..?" I fell asleep and got up after a long time. I took the pills and was fully hale and hearty very soon. I took a vow not to think of God. I said goodbye to all gods and goddesses, I thought, forever. I realised the essence of what great sages like Sri Aurobindo had said about living a spiritual life. It was like walking along the sharp edge of a razor...! I thought spirituality was not my cup of tea.

Many years after when I was married and had a school-going daughter, coming under the impact of my God-fearing wife, I had again started pujas and prayers. Now a staunch devotee of Shirdi Sai, I most often browsed the internet and read the stories of our great sages. Once quite accidentally, I came across a passage on Ramakrishna. It was very interesting. While going through the passage, I was transfixed for a moment. It was written that when very angry, he used to hurl bitter rustic obscenities and dirty slangs at his disciples. I also came to know that he severely scolded his disciples who were slaves of sleep and lethargy. According to him, the night was for the seer. It was the best time for him to meditate. When I had completed reading the passage, I was crying... A few days ago I narrated this to a God-fearing old lady, she too cried... I had got the answer to my question:"Was he Ramakrishna...?"