Trapped

The virus set its trap onto the world sometime during Dec 2019 or Jan 2020 and now it has spread in nearly all the countries and now everyone's locked in their homes.

Although I think that this time is thoroughly utilised by nature, our beloved Mother Earth whom we had trapped for centuries, is now able to breathe freely. I guess this time should have helped us realise how it feels to be trapped. With all the hustling and bustling around the cities around the world, we have overloaded ourselves with stress and nature with global warming.

For me, though 'Mai hamesha se hi kaid this'; I've been always trapped in my insecurities, stress, self-doubt and a load more of issues. But don't we all trap our real issues inside us and wear a happy mask in the real world because of fear of judgement? We only show our true selves to the ones we love us, who stick with us through thick and thin.

         

So this lockdown has taught me many important lessons. And one of them and a very important one is my family. This lockdown has helped many families to spend time with each other which many might have had otherwise couldn't due to their schedules or other reasons. 

My parents are both working and they barely had time for me and my brother and hence we have always craved for their time. I am an introvert hence I have a small friend circle and during these times couldn't talk to them much. These all took a toll on me and led to anxiety. But I'm really grateful to God definitely not for the pandemic situation but for this time because I've got some time to spend with them. This time was really precious to me and I know this feeling can be resonated with those children. Although everything wasn't that blissful since we've had some horrible fights and these times my anxiety level used to boost and my father couldn't understand since we all are aware of how our society reacts to these issues.

If you are reading this I would like to throw light on this issue. Please talk to people around you because you don't know what they're going through. Don't consider depression, anxiety as a taboo. Just so you know it, sometimes our mind needs rest too, it's fine and please take care of people around you(friendly reminder).

Okay so back to my story; all these took a toll on me and I ended up with PCOS which made matters worse(another important issue). Earlier I never had any knowledge about PCOS. Being on medication with irregular periods made my anxiety worse and started having self-doubts. And trust me I still sometimes face these problems.

But I have understood that sometimes it's ok to not be ok. We, at all times, cannot be perfect. I am learning to accept myself every day.I constantly used to judge myself that maybe I'm weird: Aisa lagta tha ki judge bhi mai hu,vakil bhi mai,gunehgar bhi mai aur audience bhi mai.

       

And yes this change didn't happen magically in a day or even a month. But I'm loving and accepting myself every day. I started spending my time on Instagram and Youtube watching motivational quotes, positive quotes. My panda(mother) has given me so many pep talks, the numbers of which I can't recall. All of these have given me one common lesson which is self-love. I'm still trying to free myself from the pedestal everyone puts me in including myself.

  

Now I'm doing what I love to do which is painting, writing and many things which makes me feel good. Earlier when I used to do paintings I wouldn't post it on insta or show anyone thinking they would judge me just like a pernickety cat...but now I do post my paintings, not for likes but to show the world that this is my passion and I'll do it for the rest of my life without the fear of judgement. I have come to realise that the world may judge but that's their job. They just care about themselves and judge us to satisfy their ego. But definitely not for much long coz they'll judge you one moment ...and next, they will forget about your existence....but my darling if you judge yourself you'll lose your own damn existence in front of yourself and the eternity and your parents who are our whole world may never forgive you.

 Life's tough my darling but so are you.

 I may be too young for giving such pep talks, the philosophy but ' kuch bhi karne ki koi umar nahi hoti'(Age is just a number). I'm an introvert and can analyse every situation and that's why so long but I'm glad knowing that this is my story and still there are many pages unturned. But I know that I'll turn every page of my story with a positive mindset.

I have learnt in this lockdown which everyone should is that love yourself, free yourself from your own kaid and well become your own darling. And one skill which I am still learning is to pen down my thoughts in a way which I feel and not using the best vocabulary. I got introduced to this app by a friend who's also a great writer and I couldn't be less thankful because writing makes me feel relaxed and gives me immense joy. Maybe I'm not a very nice writer but that's fine too. I want to be the writer of my own story.

       

 Just simple writing, the way I feel is the way my mind is speaking to me. My heart is feeling good, my nervous system is calm, relaxed and is flowing my hands, my thoughts in the best possible way.