Trapped

      The coronavirus set it's trap onto the world sometime around Dec 2019 or Jan 2020 and has spread throughout almost all the countries around the world. It has trapped everyone in their homes. I guess that now when we are locked in our homes, everyone might have realised the way we were trapping our environment with global warming. Although I think that it's in the best interest for the nature our Mother earth who is now able to breathe freely because we humans had trapped her for centuries. I sometimes feel that this lockdown is in best interest for our earth since we humans wouldn't have had let her rest otherwise. Also haven't we overloaded ourselves with stress and workload.

       For me though,I didn't need a lockdown for trapping me 'Mai hamesha se hi kaid thi'. I had locked myself in my insecurities,fear,stress and a load more of issues But haven't we all trapped ourselves with various issues and still we put on a happy mask to the outside worldwide fearing judgement. We only show our true side and feelings to our loved ones knowing that they'll stick to us through thick and thin.

          So this lockdown has taught me many important lessons and one of them and one of the vitally important lesson is my family. I guess it's equally important to everyone since we all have got to spend some amazing time with our families which we wouldn't have been able to do otherwise due to our busy schedule or other reasons. My parents are both working and they barely had much time to spend with me and my brother and hence we always craved for their time. Also I am an introvert and have a small friend circle and during this lockdown couldn't talk to them.

      But I'm also really grateful to God for this time I got to spend with my family. This time was really precious and not everything was blissful since we've had some horrible fights and during these fights my anxiety level used to boost up. I started feeling lonely since I couldn't talk about it to anyone, except my mum but she was facing her own problems hence I didn't want to be make her worried for me. And my father couldn't understand either since we are well aware how our society views anxiety and depression.

          And if you are reading this I would like to throw some light on this very important issue. Please don't consider anxiety and depression as a taboo. People going through it won't act like they are depressed because they'll feel that people might judge them but please prove them wrong and talk to them. Because we can't make out what they are going through but atleast talking to them and telling them that no matter what you are there for them will make them feel a thousand times better. . . . . (sharing from my own experience).

       So back to my story these issues took a toll on my health and I ended up having PCOS(another important issue). Earlier I didn't have any knowledge about PCOS so life got difficult for me. Being on medication with irregular periods and hormonal rush made my anxiety worse. I started having self doubts and I blamed myself for everything. And trust me I still have these problems but during this free time I have spent time with myself understanding that it's not my fault. Sometimes it's ok to not be ok because we at all moments can't be happy and bubbly but during these times we have to remind ourselves to be positive and live every moment.

          Earlier I used to believe that I'm wierd constantly judging myself:Aisa lagta tha ki judge bhi mai,vakil bhi mai, gunehgar aur mehfil bhi mai.

 

          And definitely these changes didn't occur in me in a single day or even a month. I started spending my free time on social media coming across inspirational stories of so many influencers,it made me realise that self doubt is a process of growing and not burying yourselves in your insecurities. My panda(mum) has given me so many pep talks the numbers of which I can't recall. All of them taught me one lesson and that is self love.

        I am still trying to free myself from the pedestal everyone puts me in including myself. Now I do what I love,I am really good at painting. Earlier, I used to be afraid of showing the world my skill thinking they would judge me like a persnickety cat. . . (earlier I've come across such people,though). But now I do share my passion of painting on social media not for likes but to show the world that this is my passion,my love and would do it for the rest of my life.

         The world may judge you constantly but that's their job. They care about themselves and judge us to satisfy their ego. They will judge u one moment and the next moment they may even forget about our existence. But Babu moshaii if you judge yourself you'll loose your own damn existence right in front of yourself and the eternity may never forgive you.

  Life's tough my darling but so are you.

     I am maybe too young to give such ted talks and all philosophical stuff but kuch bhi karne ki koi umar nahi hoti(Age is just a number). I am an introvert and analyse every situation and that's why so long,but I'm glad knowing this is my story and still there are many pages unturned. But I'm sure about one thing that I'll turn every page of my life with a positive mindset.

   So the most important thing I have learned in this lockdown is that 'Love yourself,fly like a bird and well become your own darling.

      And one skill which I am still learning this lockdown is writing,to pen my thoughts in a way which I feel and not trying to use the best vocabulary. I actually got introduced to this app by my friend who's also a great writer and I couldn't thank her enough because writing gives me immense joy.

    Just simple writing,the way I am feeling is the way my mind's speaking to me;my heart feels good and my nervous system is relaxed, flowing my hand,my thoughts in the best possible way.

   

     Now there are still many things that this lockdown made me learn but if I start jotting it down it may go veryyyyy. . . . . long.