The Chaser Of Closure

Grabbing a fistful of the quilt, I closed my eyes so tightly that it hurt. Perhaps, this pain would be the only way to make them go away. But they weren't going. They were coming. I could see them, protruding their ugly and vicious heads in the darkness that resided behind my closed lids. They were coming, the questions, the doubts, the not knowing. They were coming, again to feed on my thirst for the answers, to feed on my bruises, on the love that I once had nurtured in my soul for you.

With breath hitched in my throat and eyes stinging with pain, I jolted up straight. The room felt clammy, the walls kept closing in on me with every ticking of the clock. "Just a few minutes more.. " I muttered under my breath as the nasty claws of the questions, the doubts, the not knowing were finally letting go of my throat. And then, the darkness was gone as the glaring streaks of the morning lit up the clammy space known as my room.

I glanced around the room, the questions were strewn everywhere, the doubts were written on every nook mocking me and laughing at my quench for the answers. But the answers, they were nowhere to be seen. They were nowhere to be found, yet the thirst for them tormented me, stabbed me, and crushed me every single day and night. Was I ever going to find my answers  or was I going to be strangled by those questions one day and never wake up?

I rested my head against the headboard, blowing away the pain in my bones caused by the perpetual stabbing of the questions, with every breath. I looked around the room, for the second time and fixed my eyes at the door. You would walk through that door, with two mugs of freshly brewed coffee in your hands. You would throw the quilt off me and pull me into your arms. You would keep looking at my disheveled morning state while I drank my coffee, and then you would smile. But now, the door was closed and you no longer walked through it. Rather, a question had embodied itself on the woods of the door, a question that mocked me and stabbed me every time I look at the door. A question, that you had left behind. A question, that was composed of six words- WHY DID YOU STOP LOVING ME?

I turned my head away, and caught my reflection on the mirror across the nightstand. I could see us, I could see every single rainbow and storm that we had gone through together. I could see every sunshine and downpour that we had gone through together. I could see every lazy Sunday that we had spent together wrapped up in one another. I could see every meal that we had eaten together after long hours of work. I could see every moment of bliss and peace that we had in each other's company. I could see every reason for us to be happy. But, I couldn't see the answers to the questions that you had left behind for me. I blinked my eyes, and everything I saw was gone despite a question that was now reflecting on my eyes, making them swell with salty waters. A question, carved out of every moment that we had spent in togetherness - WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME TO DROWN IN THESE AWFUL QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWER TO BECOME MY ANCHOR?

I sealed my eyes shut, trying to hush the noises swirling in my head. I pulled the quilt over my head, trying to escape the demons pushing me to seek the closure. Was I ever going to get a closure? Or, was it that I never deserved one? What was it actually? I let out a puff of held back air, I looked up at the ceiling, and I regretted doing so. There it was, yet another question forming itself on its own above me - WHY WHY WHY

I torn my gaze away from the ceiling and looked out of the window. People were rushing off to somewhere meaningful, while I still sought closure, answers, and a bit of rationale to cling onto amid the tornado of questions, doubts and the not knowing that fed on my thirst for answers, on my cracks and bruises of my heart and on the love that I once had nurtured in my soul for you.