The Call Of Love & Toxicity

I was convulsing, the tremors were getting stronger and ferocious with every fleeting second. I could feel it, in my bones, in my heart even in my mind. A quivering sensation was inhibiting every fiber of my being, slowly and shakily. I rubbed my eyes as the blazing beams of the sun penetrated my pupils. Why would I shake with tremors when it was so hot and sunny?

I let out a puff of annoyance as I realized my phone was vibrating underneath my pillow all this while. My fingertips danced over the unknown number before finally sliding past the green button. "Hey... " I heard from the other end, and perhaps only one 'hey' was enough to throw me back into those forgotten and forbidden lanes of love and pain. Perhaps, that one word was enough to cause my heart rupture violently against my ribs for the second time. Perhaps, your mere voice was enough to cut off all of my air passages, depriving me of air.

The walls swirled around me, as I grabbed a fistful of the quilt lying beside me. A familiar numbness crept its way back into my bones as I recognized your voice; the voice that had lulled me into the dreams of a forever companionship; the voice that had made my heart leap every time out of my rib cage; the voice that had made my lips curve into smiles every time you would enunciate my name; the voice that had brought the butterflies fluttering to life in the pit of my belly; the voice that I had fallen irrevocably and irretrievably for.

Something was buzzing away far in the distance- maybe my alarm clock. Something was filling the thick air in my room- maybe the smell of my morning coffee being made downstairs. Someone was mowing the lawn- maybe the neighbors living next door. But all I could focus on, was the deep sigh that you just let go on the other end of the phone.

"I know you're hearing me Al... " you whispered and perhaps this very sentence of yours was enough to sent me tumbling into those dark dungeons of fear and tears. A familiar chill went down my spine, as I recognized the another facet of your voice, the voice that had made my dreams burn in the inferno of your iniquity; the voice that had scathed my soul imperishably when you slapped me hard across the face; the voice that had made my heart bleed when you had slammed me against the wall, cracking a portion of my skull in the process; the voice that had scarred every nook of my body when the love between us became coupled with abuse; the voice that had imparted nightmares and toxic in my mind with every scar that you had imprinted on my flesh; the voice that I feared and abhorred every time you tried to make half hearted amends.

My fingers ached as I curled them around the phone tightly, the bed underneath me felt cold. I could almost hear the struggle and strain in your vocal cords, while I myself grappled with the words trapped in my mouth.

"Please say something.." You whispered in the same voice that belonged to you, but there was something else mixed with it- maybe regrets. A familiar sting grabbed the corners of my eyes as I realized I had felt the same regrets in your voice before you ended up throwing another vase on my face and leaving me on the floor of our new apartment with a bleeding forehead.

Perhaps you called because you had the same regret in your voice again. Perhaps, you called because you wanted to lull me into those dreams and hopes again. Perhaps, you called because you wanted the broken doll back in your house to break and crush it even further. Perhaps, you called because you wanted a way of redemption. Or perhaps, you called to seep the forsaken toxicity back into my soul and ruptured heart. Whatever the reason was, whatever your purpose behind this call was, I couldn't make my tongue move. I couldn't stop my mind reliving those memories connected with your voice. I couldn't slow down the pace at which my wounds were resurfacing. I couldn't refrain anymore from crying out your name neither could I abstain myself from yelling at you to go away.

The twisting of my doorknob broke my trance of thoughts. There was no way to make the same blunder again, to think that love and toxicity could go together hand in hand. I pulled the phone away from my ears, loosening my hold on it, before pressing my thumb a bit roughly on the red button and making whatever the minimal thread of connection existed between us go dead.

"Good morning sweetie.." My mom cheered as she handed me the mug of the coffee I needed the most at the moment. I brushed the clammy hair off my forehead, lingering for a bit on the stitches resting eternally in the corners. I unlocked my phone, stared at the blank screensaver that used to be once filled with the picture of me with my lover, not my abuser. I dawdled through my call log before finally putting your number in the block list and your voice back into the deepest, secluded and forbidden corner of my mind.