Stigma

"It was the most difficult question, but, I know it has to be answered. Adithi told me sipping the Chai latte, which made a rim of white foam on her beautiful lips almost like rose petals....

Rey... I told him it is okay to make that confession. When I knew he has to describe my thirty years of life, my sacrifices, my prayers and love would be just reduced to mental illness.

She continued while I looked at her teeth row which were like jasmine tied up. I knew she is watching me I did not want to hide my feelings for her... she has only come to me to vent out and feel free..

Mentally ill are strong at heart Rey they fight their battle daily with their own mind every single day. Broken, bruised, depressed, manic all they have unique power in them. So I told him to give his fiancée a narration of me.

She would ask for more details and I can imagine it would be a dissection of my existence. I did not want her to judge me or my story, my relationship with him... It is my divine passion and how could it be thrown to pieces of just my relapses and remission.

Hey, I caught her fingers, I could see tears rolling down her cheek yet she smiled. You are bleeding with light... girl.. I just told. You carry the wounds of the world and if it is your illness it is not a vice but a virtue.

Rey, she grasped my finger trembling and I could feel her heart throbbing and it was in pain a pain I can't remove or reduce. It was her choice.

I knew her, how she was, her pious nature, her ever giving, ever forgiving, yielding heart and the vulnerability it carried. I wanted to make it all mine... but there she sat talking about her chaos, and she was gulping some kind of bitterness down.

When he first kissed me, I don't know what he felt , I was just looking at the sea, the stars, the waves running to the shore... and I did not regret it any time. She told staring at the cup.

He was everything to me, my world my cosmos, my universe but now he is just a care taker and I a patient... a problem child. He never felt my love... or he did not want to see it but he remained... leaving me no choices. Dividing me in to poles of thriving, splitting my intellect and emotions. He walked away when he felt and ran in when he wanted like a spoiled child.

Let him live, what do I lose.. right Rey.. he would draw my naiveness  nudity of my soul as signs and symptoms. He could never understand that missing him hurt me and I am just numbing that pain with these medications. With age the dose increased.

You have told him to do it...

I just told her in a soft voice. Now do you regret... although I know Adithi was a person with a golden heart and it would wish well for any one.

I have seen her in acute stages she would manage to smile, laugh share her warmth...

If she comes back Rey, I am going to walk away... she told.

I am leaving the scene... I need a side role or no role at all. I can't be a subject of any sort of discussion. Though Rey to most of my gossiping voyeur friends who peep in my fb, I am the best snack with evening tea.

My love, lust, loss, pain, grief are all dramatic twists and turns and it would interest any one. I still walk with my head held high and feet on this very ground.  

Are you mentally ill... girl I just laughed to make at ease.

Well, yes and no... I bear an ocean in my heart... I am a beautiful being. But some think schizophrenia some bipolar, some a mix of two 

Which is the diagnosis he would give me Rey.. I fancy.

His girl seemed happy to know it. Her eyes swelled with tears and I saw her flinch with emotional turmoil when she told that 

When he runs back again..

I can't do it any more Rey..

He may not, He had found his love and you have told him to go on.. I told.

Yeah.. She said...

Adithi, I called, can I say something 

She asked me shaking her head what 

I.. said you will know in a divine timing...

Rey, how do you feel when you just live for others, she asked....

Pleasure Adithi I told...

I am a wife, mother, friend, lover.. All my moments are divided.

And when are you... you 

She smiled at me and told When I am with you. When I run to your ashram to sit with you... when I am with the kids  here along the sea shore.

When you recognize me as me...

She got up and before leaving she told Rey, if cancer is not a stigma why the mind is to carry stigma. No one understands mentally ill, they are like broken glass vases, thrown back at shelf.... dusty.... forgotten 

Adithi my lioness... I told you better watch your territory... you are so valuable girl...

She grasped my finger and told.. I told him to tell her our story mine and his, where am just a mentally ill, just a mentally ill....

She walked away, while I watched her. She knew it was her whole life put at stake,  her serenity, her deep adoration for him, her blind faith and commitment and dedication.. all just... a mental illness...

She has told me about the people who just say her, psycho take treatment... for fun and real. But she just smiled at them... if she is then the sun that shines ardently, flowers that bloom selflessly the earth that tolerates silently should be mentally ill.

It was love.. just love... She walked in its might.