Something Just Like This

Hey,

It's 2.47 am and I looked out of the window. I wanted to text you something with the "Good Night" text I sent you tonight -

"I have started talking to a therapist, online." 

But I didn't send it because sympathy would be the last thing that I expect to have from you. 

Plus, I don't want you to know that I'm hopelessly into you. Till date.  

Or may be I want you to know and think about it one more time. I'm confused. 

Without the absence of distractions and diversions, I felt the blue color of the night was gobbling the minimum amount of discernment I have. 

I can not binge-watch, I can not binge read - I can only binge talk, binge overthink, binge take wrong decisions, binge feel guilty and binge feel sad.

Sometimes, I think of quitting interaction with people and restrict myself to movies, books and writing - on the spur of the moment.

Hours pass and I keep my phone away trying to focus on books and movies - ending it roughly with ten pages of a book and watching half episode of a series, with tons of overthinking and looping a song like an addict.

I regret for not attending calls on time, for not giving enough ears to people I care for.

Hours later, I again find myself scrolling aimlessly through the Facebook feed with a song on loop and blaming myself for not having a productive day - zero binge-watch, zero binge read.

Today was the third session with my therapist and she patiently tried to make me understand how the lack of acceptance is causing such discomfort to me, mentally. 

I promised her that I will think about it. With maximum honesty.

Sunrise was at least three hours away and I knew I had to be patient and/or tolerant throughout the night. 

I turned towards the window, had better visibility of the night and played the same song on a loop which you suggested me four years ago. 

I am intrigued by the fact - how we simply associate a song with so many memories. Music, as we all know, is an emotional catalyst. 

How can a few notes strung together resonate with us so deeply that it triggers goosebumps or tears?

We sometimes listen to songs whose lyrics make us feel more understood - a world where the lyricist and singer knows what we are actually going through. 

Sometimes, people connect to a song so deeply that they choose to avoid it for some time, to get back their mental sanity.

And sometimes, people connect to a song so deeply that they play it on the loop only to realise n number of times how a huge part themselves are dead and coffined in that song. 

Probably, I have left my love for you in - 

Something Just Like This- 

A Song by Coldplay and The Chainsmokers.

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