My Story -My Realisation

It has been quite sometime since we lost our father. The only superhero of my life has gone far away from us. Never to return.

The thought of him going far is not distressing to me, but the thought of never being able to see him again, the thought of never being able to hear him again, the thought of never being able to talk to him again was more frightening. It felt that the world has frozen, my world.

The more and more I try to keep my thoughts away from my father, the more and more intense they grew. Those memories are where I want to immerse myself in. Those memories are those I treasured very much. But somehow, those memories are causing me all this mental agony. I wanted to run away to someplace. I just wanted to keep running till I saw my father, which was never going to happen.

My father was admitted into a hospital for Bypass surgery. They even said that the operation was successful. But after a few days have passed, we lost him. I do not know any more details because when all this happened, I was too young to understand the details. And now, I dare not take those who know the details into the darkest moments of our lives.

I never got to be with my father while he was in the hospital under treatment as my final exams were near.

I never got a chance to spend time with him for the last two months of his life. This was very tough for me. I had never spared him any details of my everyday life till then. Right from getting out of house to returning home, every event whether significant or not, were discussed at our dinner table. No one was excused out of this daily family gathering. I loved it so much that I would note down what all to be shared with my father that evening.

This was how close our family was knit. We were all an open book to each other.

But once our father is lost, I felt there is nothing left in there in any of us.

Then visited my aunt.

She, very intensely, advised me to practice meditation. So intense that I can say she forced me. She just said one thing repeatedly " You will find answers".

 I reluctantly sat down to meditate. One day passed. Two days passed. Nothing happened. I thought may be it would take me years to "find answers"

That day, I went for a long walk at around 5pm. It was the same locality I grew up holding my father's hand. It was the same locality I shared long walks with my father talking about school, friends, friends who had hurt me, friends who had my back, the mischievous things I did at school... almost everything. It was the same locality, except that this time my walk was alone and long. After I came home, I sat down to meditate... more determined to find answers. More reluctant, this time, to give up without finding answers.

I sat down, closed my eyes. And started the struggle to meditate, to focus on my breath. I am not sure, even today, whether the process I followed back then was correct or not. I am not sure whether that is even called meditation or not. But I am sure of one thing, I tried to search within myself for answers and I got them... More vivid, more fathomable. I believe no one could have ever given me as satisfactory answer as that. I believe that may not be the answer for people other than me. Something inside me gave answer which only I can understand and digest may be. I was the best teacher and the best student, both at the same time.

The answer was this – I saw the following : My father was holding a branch of tree at the edge of a cliff.(Just like those shown at climax of typical movies). We were holding him with one hand and with another, a branch. I could see the pain in his eyes. But then, magically some hand from above helped him reach the top, safely. I could then see him, standing there... his face beaming like Sun.

I was a movie freak and I believe in afterlife. And so, I believe, my inner self chose to teach me this way, a way I can understand. I am sure for others, their inner selves will have their own ways to teach them. If only we were to ever listen to ourselves, our inner self definitely has answers.

I felt relieved after the experience. I felt, he is safe and happy somewhere. I felt he is waiting there right at the top, waiting to see me reach there. I have witnessed my father's first heart stroke when I was just 8 years old. I have never seen him sleep peacefully for as long as I remember. I have never seen him spend for luxuries or extravagant life, though he could afford it. He used to spend money only on our necessities and not even comforts. He would then spend all the remaining money towards educating the orphans. But now, I felt, he was happy, content with how he has spent his life and was telling us to do the same.

I stopped feeling sad. I stopped feeling depressed. That experience, somehow made me realise how great my father is and thus celebrate the life of my father.

Even today, while going through tough times, I go out for a long walk and then sit down to look into myself. I get answers.