I knew our marriage would not be easy. We spend a lot of time apart. The time spent apart we spend thinking about when we can be together and the times we are together we spend thinking about when you'll go away next. You sail across stretches of a crystal blue ocean on wooden planks too fragile to carry anyone else. You meet people all across the world, new faces, new names, new friends...
Would you ever meet somebody and replace me? Of course, you would...you could have had your pick of any other woman in the world and yet for some reason you picked me.
Everything from your silky hair to your gorgeous rough hands is perfect. And here you are married to someone who is not at all special, or different, or pretty. Do you even find me attractive? I'd be surprised.
The last time you left everything seemed different. We were both tired of the same old routine. I stood at the edge of the dock holding your jacket, you'd forgotten it again. You gave me a quick kiss goodbye and started sailing away. I turned my cheek away so you wouldn't see the years drip down. I never knew how long you'd be gone for and when you'd come back...if you'd come back.
My heart sank deep into the depths of the oceans because it was missing its other half, your half. Without you, I felt Incomplete. As if there was this empty space. No matter how hard I tried and what I tried I couldn't replace the feeling of emptiness inside me. I was merely a hollow organism, missing feeling. The only feeling I had was emptiness. I longed for you. I ached for you. Every particle of my essence of being needed you.
I was sitting in my kitchen watering the plants you had sown in our garden. Jeff arrived with the urgent letter they sent me.
To this day I really wish that you had simply found someone better than me and moved on to build a new family. Because then I can stop loving you and start hating you for abandoning me. They never even found your boat...I doubt they'll ever find you.
Every week I stand at the edge of the pier where I let you go...how foolish of me... I let you leave me. Every night in the cold stagnant air...I wait for a distant light...the small lamp hanging on the front of your boat. I longed for it to be a terrible delusion of mine. I longed to have gone crazy and imagined the horrible news.
As the nights grew colder I couldn't live without you anymore. My shoulders would slump and my head would hang down until my head ended up sitting on my lap. I felt old and wasted.
A week after the incident, I sat at the edge of the docks where I would wait for you to come back and I knew that nothing was going to ever happen. It was simply the easiest place for me to picture your face in my mind. A small piece of wood floated across the crystal blue waters and stopped under the dock. I held it in my arms, I knew it was yours because all the other men would have bumps and scratches on their wood but you were always very careful.
Some days are harder than others, I can see you and feel you everywhere. Sometimes I try and speak to you and I cry when there's no response. Although, I cry even harder every time I do hear one. I still sleep alone near the sofa, I can't go into your room. Our memories linger and float across the room as the air does, each memory more vivid than the next.
If I could I would allow this hollow feeling to slowly consume me bit by bit until there is nothing left of me but a large bag of meat. I will sit at the dock for the rest of my life, holding a rotting piece of wood until I am no more. I could let the darkness take over and steal my soul, the laughter I crave, the happiness I can never have. I could lose myself waiting for you. For now, I'll just miss you instead.