Love Is What, Love Does

Joel was asleep when I hurried through the corridor,got my bags and started packing.

I was done in an hour because there was not much I wanted to take from this house except my clothes,shoes and books and one photograph of 'US'.

You see,I have tried. I have tried my best to stay,love and be with him in sickness and in health and I did. I have stayed with him so long that some of his personalities rubbed on to me,except one.He still knows how to hold on and all I am doing now is running away.

I am a permeable membrane to the people I love.I am so exhausted after a while that I have decided to disappear without having to explain myself.All throughout my life,I met amazing people who would be amazing partners but I would still choose myself over them because after a while their presence drained me.The idea of having someone else in my life threatened my sense of space.I felt constricted and hence I started ghosting on them.

As it goes:If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.And the idea of submitting myself to someone weighed on me. I look at Joel,my Joel.He is so beautiful.You see,luxury of calling someone "mine" overwhelmed me.Joel never was too imposing since he knew how petrified I felt about belonging to someone.He has been such a wonderful partner.

I thought this time it would be different.My heart would not master the courage to abandon him but old habits die hard.I know if I stay longer,I would get bitter..I would start hating him and the house that was once mine too.I spent so much time choosing the granite for the floors.And that library where I spent hours so that my books did not feel neglected.But why I am fussing about these unimportant details when I am about to leave the person I have loved or love for whatever love means.

I am leaving him with no explanation or fore warnings. He would have never seen this coming and for days he would meander in the darkest corners of his psyche to figure out "what went wrong ?".

You see,I have built up my defenses over these years and sure have they crumbled at times but I only built stronger walls henceforth.

Joel is everything somebody would want. He is funny, charming,driven,honest and LOYAL.

So why am I leaving?Because there are chances that one day,I would really love this person more than I love myself and I am dreaded by that idea.I have never allowed myself to love anyone beyond a certain point. A certain point from where I can retract back. A certain point from where I can begin again. A certain point from where I can come back to myself. People like me ain't afraid of being alone, we are scared of being vulnerable.We are okay being labelled as crazy,insane,ruthless rather than being looked down upon as a "poor thing".

And with time we start hating everyone and everything that exposes our vulnerabilities.Me and my kind,we hide our insecurities behind our pseudo-intellectual demeanor and our only comfort is literature.We curse Darcy,Stefan, Augustus and even Heathcliff for existing.Determined to succeed so that it veils our scars, we drown our whole being into materialism.

I have always functioned best when I was alone but with Joel there was co-dependence..I was starting to like that.That's when i knew i had to run.For Joel,I hope he finds someone as amazing as he is.And for me,as long as I have my control freak hat on,I would function just well though this time the void would stare right at my face.

I looked back once again to catch a last glimpse of him having Ron Pope sing through my earphones "A drop in the ocean,a change in the weather.I was praying that you and me might end up together"