My Awakened Moments

 Ever think to yourself, how did I get here? Not just here, but as I am. Doing what I do. Feeling on top of the world and hopeless at the same time. Just the other day I was released from prison. Feels like it's been a good minute, but it hasn't been. Really just a few days now. Must say I hit the ground running. I mean literally. Took off on the open roads. Hit the highway all day and night. In search of that feeling of being free. Not to mention, I had absolutely nowhere to go. Released into this great world of freedom with only the clothes on my back. No money, no food and nowhere to go. That is how I started my healing of the unseen emotional scars I have in my memories.

Remember like it was yesterday, we'll it sort of was. Summer night in America. Tried not to move much, or else I would sweat. But, I had to get somewhere. So, I did. Walking down a highway that was pretty much empty. Prisons are usually ducked off in the country side of the land. Keeping the most dangerous of society in America, the furthest away. Been social distancing. Strange to think of being a name again. Interesting, I think as I walk to a gas station I see lighting up the night sky. Sweating is how I came to the place. Not sure how normal it is for this place, but I had to use the phone. The man behind the counter was cool, handed over the phone. Made a couple phone calls. To my sister and my girlfriend. Something has to shake because I need to get away and back to society. Back to the city. Luck was on my side.

Uber came to give me a ride. Straight to the hotel. Where after so long I saw my reflection in the mirror. It was shocking. Haven't shaved or had a haircut in a long time. First for me to be this bearded. Not sure if this is a thing I'm going to be getting use to. A decision I will make at another time. Time and place for everything. Right now, my mind is set on this free life worldly moment. Time to get lost in the moment. Closure to the locked doors. The nights away, the days I spent in a cage. Fighting the good fight. Passing the time of my life. Here now, working on a way to be out here and feel normal. Mind over matter right. All the things I've been through, this is peanuts to an elephant. That is why I catch trail in the middle of the night. Get in the car, turn my music up, roll the windows down. Feel the breeze put my mind at ease. There's an art to creating feelings. Be good at it or feel whatever, whenever. I plan my life s much as possible, I control my feeling to in my world.

Strike a light to fire up a cigarette. Riding off into the night, I fade in thought as I take flight into this free world life. The night is silent but my thoughts are loud. Fist fights I fought are replayed in my head as I drive. Adrenaline is creeping up as expected. My favorite is the feeling of a rush to bring me through time. Spent days this way. Tank after tank, I filled with gas. To keep the wheels rolling. Even came close to losing my freedom one night as I rode searching for my mode. The risk I take are on a daily basis. Who can I trust when there's nobody I really know. Put my guard down could be costly. So, I don't sleep much. Lack of trust, please don't touch. I can be a little too much when it comes to love. I seemed to be free. I reached the edge of the cliff and I fell. To realize I am numb in this world.

The moment I feel hurt, my emotions, I cut them off. It's going to be fine. Emotions are imaginary, only in the mind, nothing to be found. Are they really real? You tell me, because I have to see it to believe it. Believe nothing you hear and half the stuff you see. A wise man once taught me. Days went by. My city I eventually found. Time to get down. Only way I know how. Get out the car and walk the streets. Bourbon Street is under my feet. I live my city, New Orleans. Cajun Queens and every corner a dope fiend. There's no other place to be seen. 4 a.m. and people are still awake like it's mid day. Crowds make me feel at home.

So, here I am in the middle of the street surrounded by many. Just like in prison. Somethings never change. The night sky still hasn't changed. Best things in life are free, literally. Before prison, I was out of my mind. In time I was found by me. Now here I am back free. And I feel it in every breath I breathe. I am here, I am free. This is my life here I realize tonight. Look where I've been and where I an. Can you only imagine what it's like to go through these changes so sporadically. If so, then you can relate to me. A soulless soul mate. This is my faith. This is my destiny. This is me free.