Morning Marathon

'You are a bad bad person. You don't do anything well. Your intentions are bad. You have an attitude. You are arrogant. You don't deserve anything good.' 

'Shut up, Shut up I didn't do anything wrong. I am not a bad person. Shut up..... I always try to be good and behave nicely. I try to make sure that I don't bother anyone.'  

'No, you are a bad person........ All this bad is happening because of you. 

'Shut shut shut upppp............ People are being bad to me still I try to be nice to them. I make me suffer. I drool Because of people around me

Nonama wakes up every day with this conversation going in her head. She wants to sleep but what does she do other than escaping by waking up. She is having such guilty feeling conversations every morning it is like her routine. 

Her thoughts are really rigid they wouldn't go away. Nonama will get them out so many times but they wouldn't go away. If thoughts want to lose their weight then the mind is not the right place to run on. 

Nonama thinks of ways to get away with these thoughts. She makes a list of all the things that can make her feel good, she finds none. She was not liking anything but she made a routine and stuck herself to it. Her mind was never convinced by any of her ways which she was trying to shut up that morning conversation. 

According to routine, she has to wake up at seven, walk for ten minutes, exercise for ten minutes, make tea, take shower and start work. She made sure every day to follow this routine. She has to keep herself busy. Nonama is really sincere when it comes to following and making routines. Her routine was keeping her engaged but it did not allow her to think beyond her routine. 

Her mind was too rigid. Nonama researched about her mental condition and doing that in this case not indulging in mental conversations is the only key. 

Her thoughts had become like a cranky wife who is disappointed in everything. Nonama stopped talking back. Nonama felt really bad about herself that she hardly looks at herself in the mirror. 

She started engaging herself in creative things. She would make a digital picture and send it across. This distracted her a lot than any routine or exercise.  

 

She was happy. She made sure to not trap herself in any routines. 

Nonama always has been.