Letter From A Father...
Letter From A Father...
I don’t know how old you are, but I am sure you are old enough to read and understand this letter. I know you must have wondered why I suddenly disappeared from your life. I know you must have asked your mom why dad is not returning. I know you must have sensed something is wrong and people are lying around you when you asked about me. I know you have stopped asking about me often and now possibly you know why I’m not around. I know your mom must have told you I’m with God. Earlier she was lying that I was out of town because she did not know what else to tell you and you were too small to understand the meaning of death.
Death – is a permanent physical absence. Yes, I am with God, watching over you and all others from above. I know everyone is feeling bad about why I left so soon. I am feeling miserable about it. I didn’t want to go. I was not even aware that I will go. But maybe I didn’t have a choice. God does not leave us with the choice to come and go from this life as per our wish. I’m sorry I left soon and I cannot do anything about it now. Given a choice, I wouldn’t have left. I wanted to do so much more in life. I wanted to achieve so much more. I was always a workaholic. Always on the laptop working non-stop. There were times when your mom used to be pissed off seeing me working constantly on holidays as well, but she loved me for being this way. She was a proud wife, proud of the fact that I was working sincerely and earning a name for myself in my profession. She was happy with me being this way and used to say that it’s better to be a work alcoholic rather than a man who just sits and lazes around. Being this way, I knew I couldn’t and didn’t give much time to you. And anyway I was not wired to make good hands-on father :) But I tried my best to do whatever I could.
I know you may not remember me taking you to hyper city mall every Sunday for shopping and buying fishes for the aquarium at our house. I know you may not remember us having a bath together daily as a father-son routine. You may not remember us brushing our teeth daily every morning together and me doing a hairstyle for you. You may not remember me making you sing and dance just to record it and send it on WhatsApp to all. You may not remember me feeding oranges to you every morning, taking you to ground and garden to play and show the Orange and apple plants we planted in our society, just because your mom wanted us out of the house for some time.
I know you will not remember any of these, but your mom will surely do. I’m sure she would have told you all these things by now. She is trying to keep me alive in her talks of me. Your mom used to say she wants to die at 50 or 60 years of age, and I used to say I will live till 85 or 90 years of age. But guess, it was not meant to be. I’m certain now that your mom wants to live long, for your sake, for the sake of fulfilling all the dreams we dreamt together. To give you the best education, the best life possible. We had even registered to adopt a baby girl to give you a companion and a sister for life. I know after I left your mom constantly asked people, why God should take away the father of a child when he himself wanted to be a father of an orphan child. Some questions never have answers, or maybe only time will reveal why he took me away. Like me, there are many fathers who leave this world at an early age. Leaving behind families with unfulfilled tasks and things to be dreamt and lived for. I left this world because my body couldn’t fight the virus – dengue. That is the reason why everyone and especially your mom is in a state of trauma and shock. Death due to dengue. That was the last thing she would have expected. As per her, and also myself, I had the best resistance and immune power one can have. She used to joke that nothing happens to me, while she keeps falling sick. I used to joke that it is because I am the best. But I succumbed. I didn’t give up, never gave up. I was healthy until the end. But death came knocking when I was asleep. Because it knew it didn’t have a chance when I was awake. I’m sorry. I left. If I would’ve known I would die soon, or if I would die at this age, I don’t know if I would have done things differently in my life. Perhaps yes; perhaps no. Perhaps I would not have been able to. Either I would have tried to accomplish more than I did, or the constant fear of approaching death would have halted my progress. Either I would have spent more time with people around or kept away so that they don’t miss me much. I don’t know. I loved insects and animals. I was always anti-human being (hahaha….) but in the end, I was to die because of an insect. I feel miserable about it. Maybe it was the most painless death God could’ve given me. I just don’t know. Maybe that’s why life and death are uncertain; probably because if we knew when we would die, we may actually not do things which we are doing now. We would not put so much thought and hard work into our tasks. We would not dream.
I was the only one earning. But I have seen your mom always as an independent woman, doing her own things, even though she was a housewife. I’m sure she is going to rise up in life and live life to the fullest while giving you the best life. I don’t know if she will find another companion for herself in her life. If she does, I hope it is someone who makes her miss me less; because I know she is constantly thinking of me and missing me, trying to know the reason behind my death. If she does find someone, I hope it is someone who loves and cares for you more than I could have done. But whatever happens, just remember, my son, I loved you, and I will always love you. You were a part of me when I was alive. Now, I am a part of you. People, who knew me, will try to see me in you. And I see myself in you. I wanted to take you skiing in Europe, Zurich. I hope you will visit. Take your mom along, because I know she would want to take you once if she could.
I’m here watching you. Remember your dad loved you and is always with you. You may not remember me or think of me daily. It is said that people do not miss what they do not know. I don’t know to what extent you will know a dad’s love. But I have no one here. My ears are desperate to hear you say, dad. I’ll be happy if you could talk to me or call me dad at least once daily, but even if you don’t, I’ll love you the same nonetheless.
I want you to live your life to the fullest. Enjoy everything and every moment. I want you to dream. Dream big, Dream beautifully. And strive to make them into reality. Don’t fear anything. Take risks. Be a go-getter, achiever, be ambitious, but take time out every day to spend time with people who love you. Be successful, but remember, in the end, we go back empty-handed. I love you. I miss you and I miss you all. Love everything and everyone; don’t hate or hold grudges, because you will be remembered only through the feelings you harbor or send across. Be happy and keep everyone happy. Take care of yourself. Take care of everyone around. Have a good and happy life. Enjoy man!
Your loving Dad.