Let Yourself Be Free From Fear

Memories from November 2006

Swami Vivekananda was, is, and always will be my inspiration. In childhood days, almost all my essays had his quote at the start or the end of it. Even if in the present scenario I like to follow every positive thing which I have either read or learned in life. This has always been my mantra to learn and practice them in real life.

But this one time ‘Swamiji’s’ reference managed to scare me like anything. 

Time traveling to 15years back, let me tell you about the experience in Vellore I had. 

Like most people, I am a big-time foodie!. 

A few years back, all of a sudden I started throwing up every time I went on a solo date with “food”. I had to figure out why! By this notorious act of some intruders in my body, I was becoming weak day by day. To find out who the third party was in my “food” affair, I went to CMC Vellore. 

The place where we stayed in Vellore did little to boost our poor mental state. The room was damp, and the aura of it in and around was not great either. My mother used to prepare food on a rented stove in the hotel room while my 9-year-old notorious sister helplessly loitered around.

My basic tests and checkups assured my in-charge doctors that I had very little chance of surviving. The ever-inquisitive me was curious to know how “little” that meant.

My dad was not in himself after he got to hear those medical “test results” of mine. 

All my life until that phase in my life, I did study hard and performed up to my abilities. Never had been he so disappointed with any of my results ever. All credits to those foreign bodies who cheated and didn't let me pass that medical test.

With more results and feedback coming in, dad completely broke down. One day, the 19year old me decided to go alone and find out what's in store for me. A medical agent known by my dad had come with us to Vellore. (Those days in Vellore these agents were there to take care of end to end booking procedure for hospitals, long stays in hotel and train tatkal everything and language translator too). Our agent dada came along with me that day.

That day I had a final appointment with Dr. Abraham, the head of the department. 

So after a short introductory chat, this is how our conversation went. I wish I had something to record this.

“Purva, you are a Bengali right? Then I guess you must have heard of Swami Vivekananda?”

“Yes, Doctor! He has been my inspiration in infinite ways.”

“Well, he did motivate many. He lived life to the fullest!! Have you read his quotes?”

“Yes, Doctor. His words have always found a place in my heart all along. I know them well.”

“That's good Purva! See you should follow him. How fearlessly but meaningful he lived his life. He did all that he wanted and never regretted a single thing.”

“Yes, but Doc..”

“Wait. Let me finish first. He lived only for 39 years and his wisdom continues to amaze us. We have gone through your report. Be happy. Do everything that you want to do. This is your time to live your life.”

“Doctor, can you tell me how much time I have left?”

“Ummmm. At most 3 years.”

Here our conversation ended.

I wondered how Narendranath Dutta(Swami Vivekananda), Sukanto Bhattacharya(Bengali poet, died at 21) and Khudiram Bose(a patriot who was hanged at the age of 18) would have felt. Hope, perseverance, and strength had been their mantra all along. I, being a commoner, at least could use some of it in my life as well.

I did not know whether I would celebrate my next 3 years in life or be sad for I had only “little” time left. It confused me.

I went back to the hotel where my family was staying. I told them everything in detail about the conversation. In an obvious way, my parents were disheartened to the core. My dad could not think of anything that would save her daughter. My little sister hardly understood. Everything I said went on like a tangent through her little brain.

We decided to return home. I knew I had to fight with those unwanted “micro foreign bodies” anyhow. By then, I had taken the mantra of Swami Vivekananda to my heart.

“The whole secret of existence is to have no fear.”

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I had no choice left but to be brave. All other possible options being exhausted, I was at the edge now. There was no way I could turn back in time.

On the way back home, as the Coromandel Express sped up, I took a deep breath. On that journey somewhere I had left my fear. Anyway, I had nothing to lose. So why be afraid?