Iris

And there she was sitting inside the train gazing thro the windows at the droplets of rain . She was lost somewhere but where even she didn’t know. Suddenly her phone rang and she was brought back to reality. 

‘’Hello’’ Ruth said,

‘’Where are you now’’ the voice over the phone asked.

‘’Why does it even bother you’’ replied Ruth 

‘’because you were born out of my womb’’ her mother burst out in anger 

‘’just giving birth doesn’t make you a mother I suppose’’ ruth was equally furious 

I am a human and I make mistakes too. Just like I overlooked many of your mistakes , you can give me a chance too . I deserve that.’’ 

‘’Well , thanks to your mistakes maa , you shattered me completely ‘’

Not being able to continue it any further , Ruth hung up, and was again taken back to her past. A past which bruised her completely. The memories were so fresh that it made her feel as it happened yesterday and the feeling of agony never let the wound dry up. 

*9 November 1996* everyone was anxious to know whether it was a boy or a girl that was to bless the Joe family. A few moments later there was a beautiful cry and the nurse told the family that it was a girl. There is where story of Ruth Joe begins , a girl born in a Malayali Christian family to Alex Joe and Stella Alex. She was always different in her own ways , having the persona to stand out always. While growing up she could feel the change in her as if she felt something different from many of her same sex peers felt. IT WAS DIFFERENT FOR HER. When all girls wanted to feel close to boys , the very thought of it agitated her , but she couldn’t understand why was it , little did she know what turn her life a going to take. She had begun with her college and one fine day she happened to meet a girl which turned out to be one of the best meetings of her life. It was as if all the agitation she felt against the opposite peers has vanished.

She knew gender and sexuality existed in blue and pink, but now she felt a spectrum of colors shining within her but her consciousness told her the complete opposite. She felt that this was wrong , it made her feel that there was some fault in her, sad that she was too unschooled of how there were humans with different colors. The girl she met turned out be a savior , she belonged to the same spectrum but the color was different. She was one who helped her feel how she should , the feel love how she should and the bond between them grew. Her partner being elder to her knew more of how this worked and how this was not a sin and people like these existed too. She told that it was not that she was different but only that people were alien to the concept of this. This evoked a self confidence in Ruth encouraging her to come out and proudly accept of what she was, to scream on the top of her voices that she was inclined to girls, that she was a LESBIAN. 

She very excited, went home to tell her mom of how finally she had learnt to okay with who she was with no guilt, no shame , that finally she had realized that the color blue did not align with what she felt emotionally. She gathered all the courage she had and told her mom but the reaction she got was unexpected. Her mother burst out into laughter.

“what” with a weird laugh her mother said .

“maa there is nothing to laugh , I’m serious about it” 

“Who told you all of this rubbish Ruth, and moreover how is this even possible, there are certain rules of nature and you have to abide by those” her mother’s tone intensifies as the conversation continues,

“maa that is the point , I feel different and I want you to support me in this”

Her mother now raised her voice and said “Ruth, the world works just on the concept of male and female and u better understand this fact” 

Ruth had never envisioned that this would be the reaction she gets from her mother. Days of persuasion didn’t seem to have any affect on Stella. Things between them had worsened so much that they barely talked , this affected the family in whole. “if you even dare to say a word about the rubbish you have in your head these days to anyone around, you wont see me anymore” , this was the only statement she had in her head said by Stella that stopped her from seeking support from anyone else. But I wish she did , it might have helped her. 

The horn of the train was so loud that it awakened her. She felt overwhelmed but still unable to decide what do to further , where to go since home was not the place she wanted to go. 

She stood on the edge of the door , again thinking of all that was happening in her and around her, of how she would be forced to be someone who she is not, of how she would be with someone whom she could never accept and while these thoughts rushed her mind , she jumped. 

Ironically , the person that gave her life in a way took her life too.